AIBU scared of childbirth?

[ScaredOne]

Hello,

I still quite young and nowhere near to start my family as the situation would be more than bad right now but it doesn't change the fact that I am incredibly broody and definitely want to have a child as soon as I can.

Lately I have been on here a lot and read a lot about childbirth too. I am not too scared in general but there are some things that I find quite daunting.

I know that the vagina can stretch a lot but I can't really get my head around getting a child out the opening. How is the perineum supposed to stretch that much. Not so much the underlaying areas but more the skin, it seems like such a thin layer. Does that rip completely? I somehow can't see any other way as it covers quite a bit of the vagina .

This might seem pretty stupid to all you mums but I am genuinely interested.

So am I being unreasonable to ask you ladies about all of this? And to even worry about these things when I am not even pregnant yet?

YANBU to be worried and YADNBU to start a thread asking about childbirth.

Somehow everything does kind of stretch, I think because it is happening quite slowly. Unfortunately my perineum wasn't quite a super-stretchy as I would have like and I tore both times I gave birth. However, I really don't remember the tearing, didn't know it had happened until the MW told me (and second time round I wasn't having pain relief so I really did think I'd know). A few stitches and some careful peeing for a few days (with lashing of witch hazel splashed around down there) and I was soon OK.

A bit unreasonable, yes, because it comes over as rather prurient.

It's perhaps best to bear in mind that nobody on this earth exists without childbirth, and that it is pretty much how nature works.

definitely YANBU

newborns are really tiny

and you're really gathered up around the perineum, there's lots of room for stretchiness

it really is doable

and you don't have to make it happen, it happens without you!

i also found it hard to imagine, tbh i still do, but you don't have to look in a mirror or anything

Thank you for your answers. I am glad to hear that other people find it incredible to believe how it works exactly too. It just seems so impossible when looking down there , but it's not a reason for me to not have a child. I am just curious.

It's also interesting to hear that the tearing is actually not remembered. It can't be that bad then I guess.

Having a pregnancy "scare" (not a very nice word in my books) lately just made me realise how much I want a child and so research into childbirth etc. Good to see I am not seen as completely obsessive to already think and ask about something that probably won't happen for years!

I am sorry BitOfFun, but I don;t really understand by prurient?
But your advice to keep in mind that it is absolutely natural is definitely nice and well appreciated! I will try to do so

Ah, sorry. I meant "I don't really understand what you mean by prurient".

YANBU, but why not get a book out on the library about childbirth which explains it well if you're curious? Something like 'Ina May's Guide to Childbirth' by Ina May Gaskin or Pregnancy, Childbirth and the Newborn by Penny Simkin. (Avoid 'What to expect')

There's a whole process to labour and birth which just makes everything work. Your body changes so much with pregnancy. It's well designed to birth a baby and hormones make everything much more stretchy and flexible when you're pregnant.

Thank you for the book tip Carmen, I will note it down. I am quite curious lately, the whole process is so fascinating.

YANBU in asking at all!
if we didn't ask questions we wouldn't learn anything.
now although i had my DS by section, i have seen 3 births, and i can tell you it is amazing in its own way ( although it wasn't for me lol )
everything does stretch, its the hormones mainly, and remember there are no bones in the birth canal so its not a fixated amount of room per say, it has a lot of give and a lot of power behind it.
I saw my mum tear twice, she didn't seem to notice at the time, but was not nice after my brothers were born - lots of swearing on the toilet!
but the last time she did it, she was squatting on this stool thing, and he came out really quickly and with only 2 pushes! and no tear that time either.
Im sure the position helped, there are lots of things you can do to help not tear etc.
im sure others have much better advice/stories lol.

YANBU - silly. It stretches alright! CB hurts like fuck! (Well, not like fuck, exactly - that's what causes the trouble in the first place). Hours of excruciating labour and then the final torture of squeezing a watermelon through a hole only big enough for a ripe Victoria plum. I've had six but only had to be 'cut' for the last, no anaesthetic - (10lb 9oz.) and I swear that was the gardener, dragged in with his secateurs from pruning the hospital roses! When I had my first (far too young) I had zero info - no ante-natal, nothing except talk from female rellies. I was so unprepared and horrified it was so painful and resentful no-one had told me - no one, mother, aunties, sister, had 'let on' and it seemed to me (*see below)almost conspiratorial that this had been going on with women every day all over the world, since the dawn of time and no one said anything - about what a BIG DEAL it is. Which it is! However, I went on to have 5 more in the full knowledge - no less painful but at least I knew! And if anyone says 'You didn't have to have any more' - I say, 'well, how else do you have them?'. I wish there was a better way - a Petri dish on the windowsill, perhaps - so long as you don't go away and forget to water the baby.
Always amuses me the way, in magazines and such, they said "you may experience some 'discomfort'" Discomfort??????

Anyway - sorry to sugar-coat it - that's my experience - don't want to put you off. Some don't feel any pain at all, they say - I've no doubt there'll be one along in a minute...

By the way, the perineum is the area between the vagina (vulva) and the anus and it is this which 'tears' naturally or is cut by the attendant, usually with an anaesthetic.

And the feeling you have when that wee bundle is put in your arms is like....nothing on earth you'll ever feel anywhere or for anything else....*(see above)

Mmmm...and that wonderful, glorious new born baby smell right on the top of their heads...nothing like it - really brings out the protective instincts, even if it's not your baby. It only lasts for a short while, a few weeks if you're lucky. I swear it's a 'tribal' smell thing. Our cows did it - all had to have a sniff so's they'd recognise it later as part of the herd.

If only I could bottle it...

Blimey, all I cared about was that long promised cup of tea and some toast!

Baby, what baby?

When the time comes you might benefit from a Doula!

Think of it (birth etc) as being like a Chinese paper finger trap.

MD - hahahahahah

It hurt more than i could have imagined, but I coped better than I thought I would as well. Like you I spent 9 months terrified, dreading the birth. When they helped me up onto that bed, I thought oh my GOD I can't do this!!!!

One thing that might reassure you is that although it IS painful, the pain is not constant. People talk about 14 hour labours and that must be quite frightening. Even with my first the labour was 12 hours and for the first 5 of those I wasn't 100% sure I was in labour. It was like period pain. Then it builds, as you know. But even towards the end when it is very painful you get rests from the pain. And then, when it gets the most painful, you know you are literally minutes away from the baby. I remember when the head crowned, oh sweet ** it did hurt, but I was feeling EXCITED as well as registering pain. I was in pain but thinking the baby will be here in minutes. So, it is not like having your leg mangled between two cars. It's a positive pain which is leading somewhere and is fairly exciting. I was too late for an epidural and I have asthma and wouldn't take the entonox, so I did it without pain relief, and I am the sort of person who takes two nurofen before a leg wax, I am not brave. AT ALL.

It is terrifying knowing that that baby has to come out of you somehow though. YANBU. It's scary!

YANBU. And certainly not to ask about it here - WTF is mumsnet for if not for this?

Labour pains are like period pains. They are more intense, but I found them actually not as bad as the period pains I'd had as a teen because they aren't continuous and you know they are going to end.

Tearing does not hurt at the time, and they can put the stitches in without anaesthetic because by that stage you're totally numb down under (well I was). It just stings like buggery for a few days after whenever you pee BUT the upside is that at least after birth you magically regain your power not to have to go to the loo every half hour because your bladder has suddenly regained its rightful space.

Thank you for everyones nice words, they are really appreciated.
I was a bit unsure whether to ask these things as it seems like such silly questions, as it is after all natural. Seems like a very cruel thing nature made up there though

I like the idea of thinking about it as a chinese paper finger trap somehow and will definitely think about a Doula if/when I get pregnant. My partner is not very pushy anyway (he agrees whenever someone is stern with him) and my mum is not fluent in English, so a Doula with knowing everything about my wishes etc would be good.

Maggie, great you managed without pain relief! I understand what you mean about positive pain.

Grimma, So they can put stitches in without pain relief? Even when you are not using any drugs? That is absolutely impressive. I already go to the loo all the time, I think I will drive people mad when pregnant
I had quite bad period pains as a teen, up to the point of diarrhoea and throwing up due to pain. I would have thought labour is way worse than that?

Scaredone, can I give you the advice my MIL gave me when I was pregnant for the 1st time?

Its only one day, tommorrow will be different. Its all about staying in control of yourself.

She had 3 babies I've had 4. Its very dooable!

I managed a 9 lber without pain relief.

As for peeing after a baby? ONLY pee whilst pouring luke warm water over your fanjo, cup a hand under if necessary, it stops the stinging.

Good luck whenever you go for it,

I was always pretty scared of it too. Couldn't bear the thought of "being ripped in half" or feeling like I'd "passed a watermelon"

However - I had hypnobirthing to deal with the fear - brilliant! I can't emphasise enough how brilliant it is in dealing with birth fear.
I did perineal massage with olive oil to stretch the area - seemed to work well as I only had a slight graze after DS was born.

There is no getting around the fact that contractions can be painful - but if you do the hypnobirthing then you go with the feelings, you don't fight it, and your bod does what it needs to. You can sort of "tune it out" and if you're really good at selfhypnosis then apparently it really doesn't hurt hardly at all. I only had half an hour of stage II real intense contractions and then DS was born so I'm more than happy with how things went.

Bear in mind it can't be that bad or no one would ever have second babies and we as a species would have died out long ago...