to think a mum should be able to grieve in her own way

[addictedtothefirsttrimester]

i've not been around much recently so dont know if a thread has already been started, so i'm very sorry if it has.

this story had me in tears (probably something to do with the pregnancy hormones!)

this is take stright from the petition

"Baby Riley died on 10/10/09 aged 8 days old from Necrotizing enterocolitis, he was buried at kingsdown crematorium on 21/10/09. On his burial plot he has a few items of toys and remembrance stones that are all safetly secured down and are of great sentimental value to Riley's family. Swindon borough council want these items removed to "maintain a green environment"."

please if you agree that she should be able to keep his toys on his grave sign here

thankyou

sorry i only posted half of it

"We Riley's family want Riley's toys and items to stay with him on his plot.They are all secured and in good taste all we ask is that they be allowed to stay on his plot so his mummy can come to terms with his death and deal with it in away in which she thinks helps, and that is by putting little trinkets on Riley's grave.

Please help and show your support for Riley and his mummy and maybe Swindon borough council may compromise with us."

YANBU to think a mother should be able to grieve in her own way, but, to my way of thinking, if these things have sentimental value they'd be better off at home with her.

if it were me i'd also want them home with me, however if that what she needs to do i dont understand why anyone would take that away from her.

Cos rules is rules . I won't be signing your petition I'm afraid.

My DD died age 14 months and I have put a couple of her favourite toys on the top of her grave. It's my way of coping, I guess. Although completely irrational, I don't like to think of her with nothing there, or on her own. I took her a new teddy bear at Christmas, for example. As long as there are only a few things there at one time, of course I think she should be allowed.

Gosh, Kreecher, how very Swiss of you.

I can understand the council having rules about how many toys etc are allowed to be put on graves, but to stop a grieving family doing something that makes them feel better seems rather heartless.

I wont be signing your petition Im afraid also, but not because of the cause, but because of the personal details you have to give while signing the petition.

sorry.

Many cemeteries have rules that the wreaths, toys and trinkets have to be removed from the grave after a set length of time, and only things like flowers put on after that.

I'm sorry that she is unhappy at this, but I don't think it changes anyone's grieving process to have to follow a set of rules which apply to everyone.

We live near a cemetary and often visit a childs very ornate grave that is for whatever reason quite neglected(we have kind of adopted it).

On a nearby grave,another childs there is a small tree and dangling from the tree are lots of elastic bands,mcdonalds toys keyrings etc etc,his grave has lots of toys on it,and frequently has packets of crisps and cans of fizzy pop there.

The little boy was poorly for a long time and mcdonalds was where they ate if he had a hospital appointment it was his 'reward' thats why his mum puts the toys there,he collected elastic bands and when he was v poorly all he could eat were puff type crisps and ice cold fizzy.

To some its rubbish and looks messy - they prefer flowers and cherubs, to his family uts keeping his memory alive on his birthday and his heaven day there are lots of helium balloons tied up there.

The problem is also that all that "stuff" on a grave is a magnet for arsewit vandals, so the parents' grief gets multiplied a millionfold when it all gets wrecked, pinched etc.

the problem is that while one grieving person may wish to only have a soft toy for instance, the next one might want to have ten soft toys, and the one after that might want to erect a ten foot flag pole and so on.

Many people do take great care of the graves of loved ones. But sadly many people don't. Which is why these authorities do have stipulations about what is and isn't permissible.

Tbh, if the council had denied her request on the grounds that it may attract vandals then I would have understood it.

Understandable too is that they don't want the cemetery to look untidy. I guess it is about finding a happy medium. Surely they could allow families to put one toy/teddy on the grave? Why a blanket ban?

Agree with others who think this is basically tough luck and not petition-worthy. Partly because of the vandalism aspect and partly because a line has to be drawn otherwise you will get people wanting to put a six foot tall marble cock on a grave because the deceased was a great lover, or a pair of toy hands positioned as though they are scrabbling out as the deceased loved zombie films and had a great sense of humour.

Hmmmm..... I sympathise but I think there should be a limit to the amount of things left and the length of time. Perhaps leave them there for 6m and then expect them to be moved?

I know the childrens graveyard near me has become a source for this debate in recent months. The problem is some parents put too much often spreading over onto others plots. While to one person all these toys/trinkets are tastefull and well meaning to others they feel like they can't go and sit and grieve in their own way as their childs grave has been burried or surrounded by others items. So yes a mother can grieve how she likes but she may well be imposing on others grieving processes.

I am mostly on the side of the fence which agrees with the council - I think some graves over time can become messy if families don't visit, and soggy teddies aren't pretty! But my ds who is 18 lost a friend to sudden death 15 months ago;there has been a bottle of lager on the grave ever since. So a bit of me understands!

It's very difficult. Grief is a private thing, but a crematorium is a public place. There is no obligation to have ashes interred in a garden of remembrance - they could have taken these and scattered them elsewhere if they particularly wanted to maintain a specific memorial. (I am assuming from the fact that it's a crematorium that the body itself was cremated, but apologies if the crematorium also has a cemetery and I have misunderstood).

Very good point gagamama.

It is a very difficult thing, this one.

We recently attended a burial in a woodland burial setting. There were a small number of burial sites that had Winnie-the-Pooh statues, Thomas the tank engine models etc.

We were speaking to the lady who owns the site and she said something along the lines of "who am I to say how a family grieves? If it gives that family some comfort then I am not going to ask for them to be removed".

She does now have a clause in the contract when people buy the plots that they will not leave items on the grave, or flowers wrapped in plastic etc. I guess when she opened people didn't really leave so many momentos as they do now so it was never really an issue.

However, she does not want to upset the families that have been there for a while by asking them to remove the items.

On a personal level, I don't like it either. I think if you want to do something more personal, then maybe try and do something at home rather than in a public place but grief is such a dreadful thing that I do think we need to be sympathetic.

He is so recently gone from the world. Her pain will be so raw.

I don't think anyone should ask her to remove these toys.

i just think that there is a compromice here, not have loads and loads of toys but just 1 toy!