to think that an hour and fifteen minutes each way is too long to commute with a baby?

[takethatlady]

Hi there,

My husband and I are justing starting to ttc. At the moment I work an hour and fifteen minutes' drive from home, and will need to keep working if we do get lucky and get pg. I get great childcare options at work, which has flexible hours, and it would be the best option for a baby to come with me rather than go half an hour in the opposite direction with him.

So anyway, my DH and I discussed it and both decided that moving nearer to work was probably best. So we've put our house on the market and he's been looking for new jobs (his current job is another half an hour in the wrong direction), most of which come out in the two-three weeks after Feb half term (he's a teacher). Some jobs will keep coming in fits and starts now til May. But now, with only very limited options available, he has decided not to apply for two jobs in schools rated 'excellent' by OFSTED and with all the boxes ticked except that they were both 45 minutes' commute away from the new city we are moving to. He says he's not prepared to commute that distance because as a teacher he obviously has to be there on time and doesn't want to risk it. But I have to be at my job on time too, and I manage to make it there and back every day! And I'll be doing it with a baby!

Anyway, my point isn't really about him - I really really don't want to push him into anything he doesn't want to do, and if he doesn't find anything we can just stick to plan B and stay put, and I'll commute. But do people think that an hour and fifteen minutes each way is too long for a baby to travel? I can get away with only going in three days a week. Just worried that this is going to be a lot more problematic than I'm hoping...

don't stress about it YET! is my advice.

you have plenty of time to do this in. you aren't even pregnant yet, and even if you fall pregnant tonight (!) you still have another 9 months before baby is born, and then another Xmonths of maternity leave before this would even be an issue

so, to answer your question, i think an hour and 15 minute commute (in car? or public transport?) would not be great, though it would be do-able if you really had to.

but, i think you have plenty of time to get moved before then anyway

I would say OK with a small baby, but probably not with a toddler. When they are older you will need ot change childcare arrnagements anyway to fit in with school.

Iagree with thisisyesterday that you have plenty of time to move (nearly two years).

Also, it will only be something you would do for a couple of years anyway

Thanks for that. I agree not to get stressed (I'm just really bad when it comes to planning things ... really bad )! But it's good to find out people's opinions on the commuting issue, too. My mum keeps telling me it will be a total nightmare (this is part of her evil plan to look after my children and take over my life ) and that I'm being naive etc etc, and shouldn't be planning a child if I'm going to have to commute...

She's nuts, though, so I should have known not to listen. Plus today I had a bad commute, which didn't help!

PS - car, not public transport

There's no way I'd be doing it with a small child, 3x pw. IMO it would be a nightmare.

I know it's not about your DH - but, FGS, he's fine with you and your baby commuting (practically) twice the distance that he is prepared to commute?!? - teacher or not, everyone needs to get to work on time. Personally, we'd be 'having words' about his 'self importance '. IS he usually this self centered??

I would, no bother. My babies always loved the car, slept easily while driving, and even as toddlers and older children are easily amused for long distances. I drive those lengths a few times a week now with anywhere between 1 and 3 kids and have no problems doing it.

I did it myself. I went back to work when my DS was 3 weeks old and he came with me into the office (4 days a week) as I was BF and couldn't leave him (wouldn't want to either). Office was over an hour from home.

It was horrible doing the travelling but no different to before he came along - he was fine with it. He tended to sleep all the way there and back.

We did it until I moved closer to work when he was 2 1/2. No problems.

But some kids aren't so chilled. Mine was/is a relaxed little fella.

as your child gets older, that nap in the early evening might make bedtimes a nightmare

When DD was little and I went back to work we had a long comute. I went back to work 3 days a week. I was a teacher and worked in a school 40 miles away, which took just over an hour each way, especially in rush hour when it could be longer.

We chose a nursery nearest to my work, and also near to grandparents in case of emergencies. DD went their twice a week and to PILs once a week. So, from 5 months old she had over an hour's commute three days a week.

It was fine. No problem at all. On way home DD would have a nap after a busy day at nursery. In a morning I would chat to her and sing songs, etc.

I can only think of one or two times when she cried for any length of time, etc. and both of those times involved traffic jams following an accident ahead of us hence delaying us for ages.

there not their

I do this with my toddler once a week and although she's brilliant mostly, I couldn't and wouldn't do it any more than this! Today we got stuck on the motorway and it was even longer for her poor little thing. There is also a limit to how much I can tolerate the nursery rhymes tape over and over and over again.....

I have a 1 hr commute on the motorway and weighed up nurseries near work vs. childcare near home. TBH I am really pleased I chose to place DD in childcare near home and then commute afterwards. I do the drop off and DH does the pick up. Is that an option for you?

Once I have dropped DD off, I get to unwind before work and also unwind after work on the drive home before having to deal with DD. My DD was a terrible sleeper and it was really important she didn't have too much sleep in the day or at the wrong times so for her it would have been a nightmare for us if she had fallen asleep on the drive home (which would have happened) as she would be up all night but then she wasn't the most flexible of babies to say the least so you may not have that problem!

Thanks so much for all your replies - had a hectic day yesterday, no chance to reply.

ChippingIn, we did actually have words about this last night, and now I'm feeling really guilty and like a total control freak trying to push him for other jobs. He texted me this morning and said 'I really am prepared to move and won't be fussy. Above all else I want to live in [new place] with you and a new born.' But he is being fussy! He's not self-centred, it's just that we handle change differently (i.e. I love it and go for it, he hates it and holds back). We always get there in the end ... but the commuting thing, I have to say, gets right on my nerves!

PorridgeBrain, we have considered that. Our families live far away, and I'm just worried that if something happened to the baby he'd be half an hour away at school and I'd be over an hour away myself ... perhaps I'm just being silly. Anyway, we have considered leaving the (still fictional!) baby nearer to home but it's also a question of finances - I get a big subsidy at my work but only if I use their nursery, which is apparently excellent...

It's great to hear other people's experiences, good and bad. It sort of confirms what I thought - it's possible, and people do it, but there are a hell of a lot of variables. Bad traffic, a bad night's sleep, a baby that doesn't like travelling - all these things and more could make it hell.

Just pray something great comes up for my DH and this issue goes away. And that our house sells...

Could your DH not take the baby to childcare near his work? Or would you be going in during the day to bf baby?

There's no harm in giving it a go with the commuting. You can always look for other childcare arrangements if it doesn't work out for you/baby. Subsidised childcare is a big plus though and worth trying, I think.

DD is good in the car as we've always done long journeys with her, she's used to it. She also likes 'normal' music rather than awful kiddie tapes just because that's what we've always played in the car.

I have been known to sing 'The grand ol' Duke of York' from the Severn Bridge to Cardiff along the M4 though - due to DD crying because we were stuck in traffic and stop/start all the way! You're bound to have some hellish journeys

takethatlady (which I hope is a ref to the band, not how I first read it!!)

Well, if DH 'is prepared to move & wants to be in a new place, with the new (still fictional) baby' then keep looking for houses/jobs and 'help' him to make this change. Don't feel guilty, it will be better for family life and people that hate change just sometimes need help to make those changes . Can you tell I'm not adverse to change!!

If it were me though, I would want to be as close to the nursery as possible as I think for me it would make leaving the baby there that little bit easier, just knowing I could be with them in a few minutes if there was a problem. So if I didn't get it resolved before the baby arrived I would use the work nursery. Of course, this does mean that if for any reason (ie you are really unwell, need a day off for a funeral etc) you can't just take her to nursery as usual, whereas you might if it was one closer - but you can't have everything!

ChippingIn - yes, it's a reference to the band! Ha ha! Although my taste in men has been seriously rocked by recent revelations!

I think it's a psychological thing, as you say - not only that the childcare is subsidised, but that I want to know if something happens I can be there in five seconds flat.

Anyway, we've had a great weekend looking at houses, found one we love, and have talked a lot about getting there. DH says he is willing to commute 1hr40 to his old job if it means we can move and if nothing he wants in the new area comes up. So he's getting big ticks from me now (and lots of guilt about my moaning!). Just need to sell our house now...

Thanks everybody. My job is great and flexible but quite stressful and I feel much firmer in my mind after this thread that I just don't want to travel all that distance with a baby. Fingers crossed we'll get there. Nice to be reminded we've at least two years to make it work, too!

That all sounds great!!

I hope your house sells quickly and you can buy the house you have found!

Well done to DH - knew there was a reason you'd married him in the first place!!

Good Luck with the ttc and have fun

If this is your first there's no way you can make this decision now.

You have no idea how you will feel after you've had the baby, you may well find you'd rather live of baked beans than go back to work!!

It truly is life changing - the only thing you can be certian of is that whatever picture you have of what life will be like with a baby, it won't be like that!!

It will be brilliant, but it won't be how you think it will be.

Good luck ttc btw.

Thanks lisbey.

I understand exactly what you're saying - but I guess thinking like that would mean you never got anything in place before a baby was born! And, speaking from the depths of baby naivete here, it wouldn't be that if I took a career break we would be living on baked beans, it would mean we were living in a tent on the side of the road! Not only that, but I'm really lucky that I can work very flexible hours, and not so lucky in the sense that a career break is pretty much career suicide...

My mum gave up work when I was born and found herself five years later alone with two babies and no career. She spent a lot of our childhood doing jobs that would mean she was around when we were awake (coffee shops in school hours, bars while we were in bed) - and actually, all that meant was that she was vulnerable to employers who had fewer obligations to look after her, was paid poorly, was absolutely knackered in the hours she did have with us, and had very little financial security. I had a really happy childhood because of her but all that put us in some very precarious positions, and threatened her health and well-being. So to me, it's not about being a 'career woman' as people put it, it's about putting in place a safety net and a structure that means I can, with my DH, look after our family better.

I've gone completely off track here, and I'm certainly not making judgments about other people's choices (DH's mum, who is absolutely fantastic, hasn't worked since he was born 28 years ago), but it's just that for me, psychologically and financially, I can't see not working being the right option.

But like you say, who knows what life will bring, or how I will feel? Still, I feel more secure making plans now and putting ourselves in the best position possible should we get lucky and get pg!

Thanks again

Hi Takethat. I understand exactly where you're coming from and TBH for me being a full-time SAHM would have been very difficult in terms of keeping my sanity.

I was able to work in my field 2 says per week, which meant I "kept my hand in", although career progression halted for a while, it meant that when I was ready to continue I didn't have to start again.

A long commute 2 days per week is much more manageable than 5 though.

For me, those 2 days were a godsend, I looked forward to them like the weekend when DCs were very small. They also gave that wonderful financial security because although we were skint while I was doing the redcued hours, I always knew that if I really needed to I could have gone back full-time fairly easily.

However, despite all that (and feeling like you do until the day DS1 was born) if I'd had to do more than 2 days I wouldn't have gone back. Seems a big step to me to uproot yourselves and make DH's commute more difficult when you just don't know...

Thanks Lisbey and NorthernSky - it's great to hear other perspectives on this. I guess we'll just try to keep all our options open and see what happens. Need to actually get pg first, anyway!