To not let my son go to sleepover on saturday?

[sespiritu]

DS was invited to a "birthday tea party" last night at a friend's house. I took him and when I got there, the house was full of teenagers/18/19/20 year olds smoking and drinking. The lad who's birthday it was, wasn't even in. I know his mum (who seems to have changed drastically since I last saw her ) and she beckoned us in saying "I don't know where DS is, he went out, could be anywhere, but he'll probably be back soon so come wait in here."

so I took DS through to the kitchen where a group of adults were stood smoking and drinking. DS was handed a plate and told to "get something to eat". I WANTED to take him home but at the same time, I didn't want to embarrass him and upset his friend on his birthday so against my better judgement, I left him saying I'd pick him up at 7pm.

At 5.55pm I received a text off him saying "you can come and pick me up now if you want" I text back asking if he was ok and he replied "yes, but I think the party is over now, everyone is leaving".

So I went to pick him up. On the way there I saw the birthday boy and a group of lads all hanging around on the corner of the street. No DS though. I went to the house and DS rushed out, said a quick goodbye and got in the car.

1. he'd had no food as he couldn't stand the smell of smoke in the kitchen.
2. the other kids had left him in the house and got out to "lark in the street" (DS isn't allowed to do this so refused to go).

Bit of a disaster really and not what I'd call a "children's party. More an excuse for a piss-up.

Problem is, he's supposed to be sleeping over there on satuday night. Its been arranged for ages and I was happy to let him go until I saw how this woman and the kids have deteriated since I last saw them. I don't want him "hanging around" on street corners and TBH, I don't like the look of the people who she has in the house. Half of them look fresh from prison!

DS wants to go, telling me "it will be different on saturday because the older ones won't be there. I think they will be, personally and apart from that, he'll still be expected to do the "hanging around" thing.

AIBU to make up and excuse and not let him go? the kids are only 11.

"results in solvent abuse and dropped aitches"- I love that.

I actually think I´d let him go.

He will have to judge for himself, and not just follow your instincts (he needs to develop his own).

He won´t come to any harm, even if the adults around him smoke (or even drink a few).

My parents always allowed me a lot of freedom, telling me they knew I was a sensible girl. They let me out clubbing until 3 when I was 14 (I even had a few drinks, but on pocket money these seemed expensive)every month. They also let me stay with friends for sleepovers at the estate (parents smoked non stop, even the 10 year old younger brother smoked).

I am grateful they trusted me, I did not get pregnant, used drugs over even ever got drunk. My parents trusted me, always, and that somehow MADE me sensible I think, and able to judge situations for myself.

I think your son sounds like he already is able to form his own judgment in situations like these. You should feel proud.

HTH

Sounds to me, from what your DS said about it not being his dad's weekend, that he will be secretly very pleased if you don't allow him to go! So you just need to decide whether to make some kind of excuse, or be honest and say you're not happy about it.

I don't see a problem. My boys birthdays are like that if it's at my home. Me and my friends will have a drink while the kids play. I don't understand why an 11 year old can't go out either. It's definetely a class thing here.
If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to. Be careful he doesn't end up getting teased though. A child should be able to hang out with others without getting scared at that age TBH. They were only on the street, not burning cars or anything

Oh one of them shouted down the street? They climbed on something??? Not normal boys at all then

Dont know about a class thing, more a parent thing i should think and where you live. As a kid i lived on a quiet street, no traffic etc and i 'played out'.

My boys have never been allowed to just play out on the street (we lived next to a busy main road). At 11, if they went out, they had somewhere to go.

I agree with Chandon, in principle, but actually, if I where in your shoes, I would make the decision not to let my DS go, and come up with some excuse to the mother.

YANBU do not let him go

I think the horror at children shouting down the street is a class thing. I have middle class neighbours and they don't get the "oi you 2 get in ere now" thing at all

I don't think it's a class thing, it just sounds like the OP's DS wouldn't really have much fun.

Although, only 'certain' boys hang around on street corners shouting and climbing on things and "larking on the street" so maybe it is a class thing, but not a bad class thing.

junglist you mean the horror of parents shouting down the road at their children surely? Yes middle class parents would be shocked at that but not at children shouting down the street surly?

Maybe it's more to do with what they are shouting

Round here if you let your kids play in the street, you get an abso!

Not a bad class thing at all!
The OP said the boys were shouting down the street like it was loutish behaviour but it's normal IMO.

I'm sorry, but I'm working class all the way, and would not allow my kids to wander the streets in the evening at age 11.

I think your DS does not want to go, but does not want to admit it. At the moment, his choices are to tell his friends he doesn't want to go (possibly resulting in teasing) or to say you won't let him (also possibly resulting in teasing).

Can you swap his dad's weekend? Could you invent a prior arrangement that you've only just remembered about?

Ask him on Saturday if he wants to go or if he'd rather stay in and have a takeaway and watch a film with you. Then call and pull a sickie if he jumps at the chance.

I'd leave it to the boy to decide. But do tell him that you'll be round to collect him at any time he feels out of his depth.

Round our way kids play out (if it's a safe place) until they reach a their their early teens, they they tend to go to the park, each others houses or the YMCA/skate park. AImless hanging about is too boring.