AIBU to want to say something to this parent at school!!

[3cutedarlings]

Ok i guess i am, but i dont know how else to sort this out!!

DD1 is 7 (Y2) and has AS, she is in a mixed Y1/Y2 class in very small village school, for the last 2/3 months a little girl (Y1) in her class has been very rude to her every time she has looked at her!! she puts her hand in DDs face and tells her not to look at her . I have spoken to both class teachers (job share) and class TA's over the last few months so they are aware of the situation, but of course they are never around whenever this girl does this .

This morning in the yard before school DD saw this girl and smiled at her, she smiled back ect ect and the moment i turned my back she screwed her face up at her. Now for whatever reason DD saw red and stomped up to said girls mother and asked why her DD was nasty (this is so unlike my DD she normally wouldnt say boo to a goose). The girls mother then asked DD what she was talking about and went on to say "well dont look at her then" . It took a while for what she had said to register and sink in (im so sleep deprived at the moment with a teething 1YO DS) so i just sort of smurked and walked off. The bell had rang at this point anyway.

Now the thing is this parent also works at the school as a supply teacher every so often and has actually taught both my DDs classes, shes a school governor an active member of the PTA, on first name terms with head teacher ( you know the sort dont ya )

So what do i do?? if i go and see DDs teacher again and say what this parent has said then its all going to sound so god darn petty (not that i actually give a toss my DD comes first) and to approach the mother may seem to threatening and tbh there is a good chance i will lose my rag with her, after her comment this AM.

Rule 1 NEVER talk to the parent about a problem. Leave the school to deal with it. I know this from bitter experience. All the mums i have talked to since say the same. You would think that consenting adults could talk about these things, but you know what, it rarely works out.
Talk to the teacher again. Not quite imply that she is being bullied, but tell her how seriously you want this taken and what a dramatic effect its having on dd. Do it with just the teacher and yoi. so thta there are no other witness's. And then be totally honest, emotional, tell her how you really feel.
Believe me, you will look back in a few years and know that this is the right thing to do.

Yes i will do thanks for you reply Oblomov, wish id said something this morning now!! would you mention what this other parent has said?

Thing is because of DDs Aspergers she take things VERY literally, so as a result of what this parent has said that's she exactly what my DD will do, and why the hell shouldn't she look at this child ? . This woman is well aware of DDs SNs btw having taught her.

bump

I would talk to the Parent in a calmer way so the issue can be resolved nicely.

Sometimes the schools cant sort out every little nuance between kids and simmering resentments can build up in the parents.

Someone I thought was a good friend let the school 'sort it out' between our kids (something is now clear was a problem but I wasnt made fully aware of by parents or teachers) and now her DS refuses to play with my DS or have any contact (after months of cold shouldering)... its really sad as these things can quickly and calmly be nipped in the bud so kids learn properly about managing their own relationships and how to nuture them. In my case DS has lost his oldest best friend and I havent the heart to explain that to him yet as it was over things that happened up 7 months ago! He would be so gutted. I'm hoping he'll stop asking after him and will forget him in time (he's only 5!)

Good luck

How is your dd reacting to this? Is it upsetting her? Does she understand how this situation is arising, and what's her take on the other child's actions?

I think there is almost nothing you can do to change the behaviour of the other girl and her mother, but as your own little lass has AS, I guess for her own learning and development you need to break it down for her and help her understand a) the 'script' that is being played out here; b) what is unexpected (inappropriate) about THEIR behaviour and c) how she can react to it and/or take steps to change it if it is upsetting to her.

Unfortunately, it is unlikely to be the only time in her life that she will meet this kind of reaction - and she needs to learn how to deal with it in a way that protects herself. By walking up to the other mum, she was investigating and exploring the social situation and its parameters.. and the answer the other mum gave her is probably - to take it very literally and in an AS type way - quite an accurate one (though I 100% totally agree with your feelings that that mum should have been taking her own brat LO to task about this nasty attitude).

I would think about exploring this with your dd further - I'm personally a big fan of the ol' visually mediated conversation or Comic Strip Conversation, where you can break down the complexity of what went on and think about and talk it through on different levels. Depends where your daughter is at with her social understanding, I guess..

My driving instructor said to me about a car who was driving too close: it's his fault but it's your problem. I think that's often true of many of our problems in life. This is not her fault but it is her problem - and it's unfair and cruel but it is what it is. You can't fight this battle over your dd's head, as much as your mother lioness instinct will tell you to.. because that little brat girl will be replaced by another one and one after that and the social situations will become a great deal more complex and tricky to read. You can't teach or parent the other child in this situation, only your own.

Although having said that, a bit of disability awareness training in the school might not go astray. It is possible that the other child just doesn't get the differences in your dd's social cues and is a bit unable to handle them herself (and certainly not aided by her mother, who is probably passing on her own prejudices). She may be reacting awkwardly as much as cruelly because she senses that there is something different here but she doesn't know what it is or what to do about it? At this age, all children are social novices.. and it doesn't always come easily to the typically developing kid either?

Just some thoughts!

Personally I would NEVER talk to the parent. I had a chat with a parent at my dd's school about what I thought was a reasonable request. The brown stuff hit the fan and the school were phoned and I was even asked to apologise! All for asking her to have a word with her dd about allowing my dd to play with other children.

Lesson learned now, will only discuss directly with the school. Some parents are not reasonable or even adult!

That was a cruel thing for the mother to say. YANBU.

BTW -I dont think you are BU!

It all depends how much your DD likes this little girl and how arsed you can be about the relationship?

The fact of the other girl being an arse-ache to yours - get school to sort

But if you want them to have a friendship or maintain one - talk to the mum

I talked to two mums every day since the first day of reception. One day I talked to them about the rough play the boys were doing, very minor. I obviously phrased things badly. I was trying to say that they were all as bad as eachother. But she was insistent that the other two boys always played nicely. and that it was only my son that was rough. she was in denial. i have seen all three boys playing rough on occassion, since.
the atmosphere was awful. she doesn't talk to me now. and my son adores her son. and they play all the time at school - not sure if his mum knows this. ds was not invited to his birthday party. was excluded.
I am so ashamed. so saddened. how could i ever explain that this all happened becasue of me.
don't let the same happen to you.
let the school deal with it.
all the experienced mums at my school later said to me, never talk to the parent, let the school deal with it.
Please take my advice on this.

oh tell your kid to wipe a bogie on her coat or something.

Thankyou so much for your replies

mrsbean78 you have hit the nail on the head!! some of the children in her class dont actually get her at all , however thankfully there are lots of other very nice and understanding kids that make me fill up somedays with how kind they can be . Her school has a SNs unit therefore the kids are mostly very switched on and have a good understanding of various disabilities (my DD2 included in the wonderful bunch of kids ) although my DD is a difficult one as she is very bright so i understand why they would find her difficult.

We will work on a social story i think, i have told DD just to tell her to stop being nasty but she doesn't have it in her .

Lol custardo!!!! pmsl!! .....that's what ill do to the mums coat at school pick up