Unwanted guests

[niamhrm]

Hi, I have a major problem my brother works abroad and his wife and children live quite close (within walking distance) to us. From the day they moved in they have visited our house a teatime everynight and sit at the table at dinertime expecting to be fed with our family. At first we didnt mind, wanting to be polite but its now almost two years later (thats right I said TWO Years later) and they are still arriving everyday at the same time eating a meal and then leave. I have a young child who is expected to play with the children who are much younger (almost entertaining them)while parents sit and watch tv.....dont know what to do have tried subtle hints and nothing is working!!!!

Change your mealtime to an hour earlier? If they turn up just as you are washing up and you ask them to join you in the kitchen as you're busy and rope them in with the evening's chores they may after a few days get the hint and be less likely to just appear!

Cant you not answer the door to the cheeky feckers. God how annoying!!!.

Could you say you want some time alone as a family (you dh and dc) and to maybe come round once a week for dinner.

Or just tell them they are cheeky gets and to piss off home.

around family i tend to clam up, so if it was me i would just carry on......but maybe go out for dinner a few times a week

Actually what Val said.

You've let this go on for TWO YEARS?

And you cook and clean and pay for the food and dish it out, while they watch TV?

(Hang on, who is "they"? Do you mean your brother visits every night as well when he's here, and his wife comes when he's away? Or is it just her and the kids when he's away?)

Forget subtle hints. I know there's more of a cultural expectation for the all-family-together style of living in Ireland but I'd just tell them outright, you can't afford to feed their family every night, and you want some private time, but you're happy to have them over on Sundays or something? Make something up about your child needing quiet for homework? Fake contagious illnesses?

(Sorry, I'm making a huge leap that you're Irish from the name - and because a lot of the 'my family just turn up and expect to stay' threads seem to be Irish posters - I apologise if I'm inaccurate on either count.)

Turn up at their house half an hour earlier and make yourself comfortable before asking "what time's tea then?"

Or you could just tell them straight.

I have s similar problem and now I just refuse to cook when they come over. DH has 8 siblings, they all have houses or flat and kids etc, we never get invited to theirs. they always have to come to my house, so then i get lumbered with all the work, cleaning up and they leave the minute they have finihed eating. Now when they ring and hubby asks if its ok if they come over, I tell him thats no problem, I just let him know that its his relatives and he can cook for them, I'm off to bed!!

Im irish and choking at the thought of it. But that could just be me. Have had unibvited guests and they annoy me possibly more than the next person. But two years...

Niamhrm, I love these threads where a whole load of assertiveness is required. I know it is much easier said than done.

I love the assertive ideas to your dilemma. Lying just ties you up in knots. Summon up the courage, one day SOON, to tell this family that you won't be able to feed them anymore.

If you were talking to a counsellor about it she would probably ask, what is the worst that could happen if you did this. A great way to look at it I always think.

A good way to do it is no excuses, just say I'm afraid we can't have you round for tea anymore. Then stay quiet. Don't fill the gap with excuses, or lies. State the fact. Wait to see how they reply. IF they ever turn up again, don't let them in the door. Remind them what you said, on the doorstep.

You haven't mentioned either your financial circumstances nor theirs but even if you are rich and they are poor, catering for another family every day, a family who doesn't help is no joke.

The bad news is that you have allowed this to happen and it is up to you to stop it.

Why haven't you asked your brother to stop them coming?

Good luck Niamh, I would love to know how it gets sorted.

2 Years! I actually went at that!

YANBU, I liked the idea about doing your tea an hour earlier, or you can just come out and say "look I'm sorry but our budget it tight and we can't afford to feed you anymore".

Or phone your brother and tell him to tell his wife to stop going to yours everyday. The are totally taaking the piss!

Hi Niamh, I have posted about a similar problem I had with my in-laws (and yes we are Irish!!) It is very difficult, I am not an assertive person and when my BIL rings up both my DP and i find it impossible to say no to him!! However, it is not every day (anymore), is it possible your brother has suggested his wife do this, is she lonely or depressed and he wants you to keep an eye on her?

We've got round things a bit by varying our routine, as others suggest have you tea at a different time, or by suggesting we all go out somewhere. What about breaking your own routine for a week (a total pain for you I know) and then suggesting alternatives to your SIL.

Finance aside you have to do something or who knows how long it might go on!!

Good Luck!

Next time they turn up I would just say 'actually, we're a bit broke this week so I don't have your name in the pot.' If she doesn't take that heavy hint, then she's obviously very thick skinned (well, she is anyway, the way she's carrying on) and I'd have no scruples about being honest and saying it's not possible to feed her and her children every evening.
I'm Irish too.

Redleaves, you are quite right to acknowledge the difficulty of saying "you have to be assertive" when an OP's lack of assertiveness is why s/he is in the situation in the first place!

*niamhrm", whatever you do to stop them coming, it has to be before they turn up. They have certain expectations, and if they are frustrated then and there, with hungry/bored children, it is more likely to get nasty, so you would be right to dread stopping them like that!

I think the least antagonistic time to tell them to stop doing it is while they are actually there, perhaps once they turn up. They sound unlikely to flounce out before supper (and even if they wanted to, their children wouldn't "let" them, because they would be hungry!).

As for how you say it, these are the points you and other posters have made:

• It is a strain to have them round for dinner night after night, and you are sorry, but this has been going long enough. (if it is a financial strain, mention it here, as well, but don't let it be the only reason you give, or they might offer to pay you something and that would weaken your position). You want to spend time together, and want to spend less time cleaning the house. Therefore, they're going to have to stop coming round. Meet up again in a couple of weeks, but you need some time to recover first.

• Your child needs time for schoolwork/having friends round, and can't do it with family filling the available places

• You have tried subtle hints about the strain this is putting you under, and perhaps they (family) has a lot on its mind so missed those indicators, so you have to speak openly. You are sorry the mother is left alone with the family while her husband is away, and you have been happy to offer her some support, but, really, this is a strain on you, your family life, your DC and your finances. From tomorrow, please can we have our dinner hour back.

Before she/they can complain, offer to take them for a big shop to stock up.

Roleplay this with your family, in order to make sure you can do it confidently. Your DC might like to be involved, too, and perhaps s/he will be openly pleased to see mum and dad preparing to stick up for his/her interests (and doing it for your DC could give you more stomach for this task!)

Hope this template helps?

Is there any way to make sure that no-one has told them this is okay...

I'm just wondering if there was a conversation before your brother started working abroad when his wife questioned her ability to cope without him there and he casually said something like "Oh don't worry, look Niamh will feed you and the kids, our kids can play with theirs and that will give you a break" - so she actually thinks that its something you and your brother agreed to...

Otherwise, can you start doing some quite intense after school activities - my DD1 plays tennis 1 night and swims another night, and we are looking to start Beavers for her so evenings can be a bit of a rush around - certainly not a time for adults and visitors to be sitting around watching tv

Good point, Bathsheba!

or just go out
do it tonight
surely you must have been out once in the last 2 years?? What happened?

if ever there's an excuse to go to McDonald's this is it!

thanks for all your help, its so great to vent!!! I now have loads of different options to try. I think I am going to talk firstly to my brother when he comes home, I want to make sure there is no other reason behind the visits (lonliness etc)explain that my children are preparing for entrance exams (this is true) and arrange visiting at another time during the day or weekends and remind him of my finances (he has a good paying job) - he might not like what hes going to here, but tough, enough is enough and as mentioned in a previous post what is the worst that can happen
they will be upset for a while but they will soon see sense
and in the meantime I get my house back in the evenings

This site is brilliant - why didnt i join sooner???

Good news, and I'm glad you are not going with the surprise option (although that must be tempting!).

Niamh when is your brother coming home? Why can't you email or telephone him?

Sometimes it is easier to strike while the iron is hot.

Continued good luck to you.

Why not decide that, as it is a lovely day today, you will have a treat and celebrate the start of spring and all go out this evening for supper. Even if it means that you take a picnic with you because you don't want to buy supper. Or have a macdonalds or go to a nice local pub or restuarant (lots of cheap deals for meals around at the moment if you look on the moneysavingexpert.com site - there's a list full of offers and vouchers).

Or go out to the park and come back late having picked up fish and chips en route or go to the local leisure centre to swim or play or whatever and have meal while you are at it. decide spontaneously and just do it. today.

what would happen if they arrived and you weren't there?

what would happen if you said you had been sitting down and working out your finances and realised how much of your weekly bill had gone on feeding them? And then presented them with a bill?

what would happen if your son didn't want to play with their children and you had arranged with him beforehand that he could watch his favourite video so they couldn't watch tv and had to entertain their kids - and you were to say to the parents when they arrived 'you don't mind do you, but little dc has had a hard day at school/needs a treat/has been a good kid/whatever and I have promised him that he can watch this on his own without any interruption from anyone else so sorry little nieces/nephews, no playing with xx today, you'll have to play with your mum and dad'.

what would happen if you got to their house just before they set off for yours and said right, we're coming over to supper here for the next couple of years?

do you think they moved close to you purely because you were close or would they have chosen the house anyway? Still, expecting to be fed by somebody for 2 years without giving anything back in return - surely they must realise that it is a bit strange and not on?

It's one thing to say that your sis will keep an eye out for your wife and kids while you are working away, have the odd coffee or meal at each other's houses. But to turn it into an open invite for every night - not on.

TOnight - if you don't go out - how about you just have a meal for yourselves and put a biscuit/slice of bread/apple in front of them and say sorry, I wasn't expecting you to come tonight...

good luck and let us know how you get on!

i cant beleive you have let this go on for 2 years

just say to sil that school homework is more/activites/play dates etc and you can only do tea twice a week, arrange one time at yours and other time at hers

Two years???? you must do something soon or you'll end up resenting them.

I just find this astonishing.

I am, for once, speechless. Believe me, this is very rare for me . Hand on heart, it is one of the most shocking posts I have read on Mumsnet in 3+ years.

I have a feeling there are customs in other cultures and/or families that I could never have imagined in a million years.

You have had great advice on this thread from the other posters who were able to pick their jaws up off the floor so please do act on it and come back and tell us how you got on.