to want to throttle my 11 yr old dd?

[gypsyme]

It's not fair and I think you're really mean. No not sodding lilly allen but i blame her too. Apparently my dd 'hates her rubbish life where everything is second best' coz I am not willing to fork out a thousand pounds fo a ski trip which i only found out about on friday and apparently have to produce a deposit for tomorrow. had to sit through her morosely staring out of the window in giraffe during a treat of supper out this ievening.. she pushed food around, refused to eat and became catatonic. then came home and kicked off in a way i haven't witnessed before , screaming and shouting that 'it's not fair and i think you're really mean and all my friends get to go and i'm going to be stuck here etc. refused to go to bed still shouting 'it's not fair' tried to remind her that we are going to south east asia for the holiday of a lifetime in august and that as a single parent this is quite an undertaking for me etc. ended up losing it, shouting at her and slamming the sitting room door in her face. oh i feel so crap . . . .

I like the unscrewing doors techniques!

my DS would never go on such an expensive trip, even if I´d have the money. I don´t like spoilt kids and I think kids do not need those sort of trips. I much prefer them to go camping in the forest for a week.

Once they earn their own money, they can then decide to spend crazy amounts of cash on holidays.

I would just stick with the very good argument that it is simply too much money. You can still be sympathetic and show her you understand how much she´d like to go.

Is it a private school by the way? We have angry parents when a school (day)trip costs over 10 pounds []

School ski trips make me laugh, they're not even educational, just an excuse for a select few to go on a posh jollie!
We said no to a trip to Iceland at over £1000 for DS1 a few years ago. In actual fact it would have been good for him in hindsight as he's off to Uni in October to study Geology, but we couldn't afford it so that was that.
Luckily at Uni they see sense and educational field trips are heavily subsidised.

My DD has begged to go on the residential trips for the last two years at secondary school cos 'all her friends were going'. Turns out both times that very few were and none of her close friends are going on the trip this year, cue her insisting she did'nt want to go anymore after I had paid two instalments of over £300 [anger]!!

She is bloody well going btw.

unbelievable aren't they? had a very calm and strong talk after school. upshot was a withdrawal of privileges. no trip to see alice in wonderland after school tomorrow. ten minutes max on the computer each day for the next week. (we don't have tv). same bed time as 8 yr old dd2 for the next week - 8pm. no ski-ing trip. result - beautifully behaved 11yr old. did homework, violin practice helped lil sis with her hwork and a collaged card left on my bed which was melodramatic to say the least - I'm so sorry for my behaviour, it was unforgivable and unforgettable and i deserve to be punished. (don't like that bit!!) hope we can still see alice (that made me laugh, but no we can't, not for a week). she has quietly retired with dd2 and has spent evening speaking like a church mouse. result! have put out feelers. she is one of 5 girls in their core friendship circle which then spreads out. yes, all the other 4 are going, confirmed by parents. however, as some of you have pointed out these kids may not be her core group in 11 months time. bottom line is that i can't really afford it but had she given me the time and the good grace required i may have finally worked out that i could do it. the astonishingly vile behaviour means i just don't feel i can . . . so tricky this parenting thing.

BTW our school is our local, vibrant, state secondary.

11 is a challenging age for most children and I can remember the door slamming a few times. It was glass panelled one into the lounge so I couldn't take it off, told my DD that if it breaks I will take the money out of her building society a/c.

Seems like things have calmed down for you. Don't forget to mention that these skiing trips are an annual event. I paid for DD to go one year which was over £700, also paid for a trip to Germany and she has done the DofE. She never asked to go skiing again said it was overpriced and she grew out of going on school trips, had more freedom going on holiday with me.

You could tell your DD that she can go another year when she gets a part-time job, that way she can have a family holiday and a school one.

Glad to hear your evening has been calmer
I'm now on my fourth eleven year old, if you see what I mean and in my experience they need you even more at this age than ever, as so much of their world is built on shifting sands.
the other thing they need you at much more unpredictable times of the day such as just before bed time (yours not theirs
i'm not surprised she has responded well to your talk tonight as you represent consistency and she knows you love and like her.
got to go 11year old demanding the laptop!!
so much easier to preach than practice

1000 quid! Jesus there's no hope for me I'll have 3 at secondary school at the same time including twins!

Good news Gypsyme, glad she's responded well.