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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to perfer not to be called a stupid bitch?

19 replies

lotsofteddies · 15/03/2010 09:05

This morning before my partner (of 4yrs) went to work, he picked the laptop off of the bedroom floor and muttered quietly, "stupid bitch"

I can only assume this was because I left the laptop on the floor, whereas he always places it on a surface.

When I asked him why I am a stupid bitch he completely denied any knowledge of saying it. I think he wanted me to think I was dreaming.

He's not really a name caller which is perhaps why I am slightly surprised and a little hurt.

He went on to say its not that offensive anyway. I kinda think it is. I think I am neither stupid or a bitch!

I feel like I should drop it and maybe making a big deal out of nothing but I've got a feeling it'll bug me all day and will be discussed again this evening.

How would you feel?

OP posts:

MiffyWhinge · 15/03/2010 09:10

how would I feel?

I couldn't be spoken to like that, we all say and do horrible things in the heat of an argument sometimes but that would hurt a lot

am more worried that he thinks it is an inoffensive remark and takes your feelings so lightly

compo · 15/03/2010 09:12

I'm always muttering about my dh under mybreath so I would let it go

gingernutlover · 15/03/2010 09:14

i think he only said it cos he thought you were asleep (meaning he knows it is offensive) then he realises you werent asleep and heard it, he gets defensive because he knows he is in the wrong.

and it doesnt matter whether he thinks its aoffensive or not, you do!

I would feel upset by it, it shows a lack of respect, especially the lying about having said it.

He sounds a bit passive agressive to me.

Tonight, say to him, "I know you thought I was alseep but I heard what you said, I found it offensive, please dont say it again"

his response will be very telling i reckon

gingernutlover · 15/03/2010 09:16

but compo, would you then lie about doing it? and would you try to make your dh feel they were the one being unreasonable if he was offended?

nickytwotimes · 15/03/2010 09:16

Um, sorry, but I think it all sounds a bit childish really.
Like compo I mutter under my breath from time to time about dh and I do not mean it - just grumping around.

ShauntheSheep · 15/03/2010 09:26

If dp left our laptop on thh floor and I nearly trod on it then hed get more than a muttered 'stupid bitch' tbh and vice versa.

However I wouldnt mutter it and I wouldnt deny it after thats for sure.

Original poster

lotsofteddies · 15/03/2010 09:30

Yes, I must admit a couple of hours later it does seem a little childish. I was annoyed he denied it though, if he'd just admit it and tell me what the problem was I'd be happier. I'm not so precious that I can't handle the comment made. Athough fundamentally I disagree with it.

I think it is passive aggressive, if you're going to say it you should have the balls to follow it up.

OP posts:

gingernutlover · 15/03/2010 09:34

exactly OP- why did he deny it? you had clearly heard it, does he think you are so stupid that you would believe you had dreamed it?

StepSideways · 15/03/2010 09:37

He probobly denied it in a moment of panick, like a rabbit in the headlights!

gingernutlover · 15/03/2010 09:41

pmsl, at the rabbit in the headlights, caught out.

MiffyWhinge · 15/03/2010 09:42

you need to get your own laptop

then you can leave it anywhere you like

Original poster

lotsofteddies · 15/03/2010 09:55

His behaviour then changed, from complete denial to "well, if I did say it, which I absolutely have no recollection of, swear on the cats life, it might have been because there's an annoying woman at work who's going to be in this mornings meeting"

It's such an obvious lie it's annoying!

I think at some point during the week I'll mutter my own expletives such as Pathetic C*nt and see how he likes it!

OP posts:

StepSideways · 15/03/2010 10:01

I'd probably avoid it unless you plan to escalate it... Wars are started this way!

He knows he's been caught out and now he's being schoolboyish, i would suspect he already regrets his stupis muttering..

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/03/2010 10:07

If my DP left a laptop on the floor I would mutter 'syupid twat'. I don't think that he is a stupid and I don't think he is a twat, however I reserve my right to mutter insults if he does something annoying .

I am sure he didn't mean you to hear and is denying it to avoid a row.

No it's not very nice but in the grand scheme of things I don't think it is indicative of a nasty person. Just someone stumbling round a bedroom having to avoid standing on easily breakable equipment that shouldn't really have been left on the floor.

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 15/03/2010 10:11

I would maybe talk calmly with him later and explain that you find it unacceptable behavior to speak to your partner in this manner.
My DH used to do a really insulting thing when we were first together and 'dicussing things.'
He'd get so far into the discussion, not like the way things were going then say 'Oh shut up, you're boring me now.'
After the 2nd or 3rd time I told him it was really offensive and if he did it again I'd have no option but to hit him round the head with a steel based frying pan.

thisisjuststupid · 15/03/2010 10:13

my DH muttered 'fucking hell' yesterday in the kitchen while i was in next room, trying to sort out DD hair and getting cross cos she wouldnt sit and let me comb it and kept changing her mind about clips,etc. i wasnt feeling well (not sure if he knew this) and i admit to being a bit snappy. i said 'excuse me, what did u say?' and went in to tell him that if i had heard it then DD would have done too. he said that he doubted she would have done, or have understood it anyway. i remember several occasions i have sworn under my breath and he has told me off for it, and that argument didnt wash with him then so why should it wash with me now? it pisses me off how many times i hear him getting frustrated sometimes and dont say anything. arent i allowed to lose it now and then???

Rockbird · 15/03/2010 10:15

I have no objection to muttering and I'm sure DH mutters about me but there'd be serious words if he called me a bitch.

thisisjuststupid · 15/03/2010 10:22

too right!

Cloudbase · 15/03/2010 12:20

Agree - the fact that he muttered under his breath about the laptop is no big deal - the fact that he called you a stupid bitch is just horrible - sorry, but it's a really nasty thing to call you.

Fgs, stupid cow, bloody hell, etc etc all chime with nearly squashing a laptop, but Bitch is a horrible thing to call a woman and totally OTT imho.

I think you need to tell him how it made you feel and about the denial - It's really hard work being in a relationship with someone who regresses to teenage behavior when they get annoyed (not that it sounds like his usual behaviour - is it?)

Nip in the bud now, I say!

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