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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to not say anything about aggressive kid?aibu

16 replies

edd021208 · 15/03/2010 00:04

my ds (4) has a younger friend (3) who is very aggressive. When I've been around him and his mum, she has acted very passively with him, even when he is being aggressive with other kids. In the past, I gave them a lift home and the friend punched my ds in the nose and gave him a nose bleed but his mother barely said anything. Anyway, my ds went for a playdate at theirs yesterday and last night mentioned the friend had bitten him 3 times - sure enough, there were bite marks on his arm and leg. I would find it difficult to say something to his mother but my ds is in montessori with this child and a group of the kids play together a lot at weekends and so on.....aibu to let it go or is it better for everyone if I try and have a chat with the mum?

OP posts:

JackBauer · 15/03/2010 00:13

In your position I would have not been able to stop myself saying something myself.
In playgroup the other day one of DD2's friends pulled her hair, her mum was sitting next to her but was looking the other way so I said firmly 'No, don't pull DD2's hair, that is not nice'
She was veyr apologetic (the mum that is, the dc's are 2), kids need boundaries and if I see a child hurting another I will step in if I am the closest adult.
next time watch like a hawk and if you see anything say something. Hopefully she will realise that he shouldn't be doing it and might start to discipline him.

thumbwitch · 15/03/2010 00:18

have a chat with the mum - the child needs to be picked up on the behaviour. If it's being done out of sight of his parents, it's not about attention-seeking so ignoring it is not the right way forward and she needs to realise this.

Vallhala · 15/03/2010 00:19

I agree with JB. What's more I'd be inclined not to invite the child to play again or to accept playdate invitations from the family.

Perhaps it might help too to have a quiet word with the nursery and ask them to keep an eye out when your little one and this child are together. If they see something unacceptable and admonish the child it may have sufficient effect to teach him that his aggression is wrong without you having to get too personally involved and risk ill feeling from his mother.

Original poster

edd021208 · 15/03/2010 00:26

thanks...I would have definitely said something if I was there, but only saw the bitemarks afterwards. In the past when her son has been aggressive and I've been there I have asked him to stop but his mum just always looks so helpless and seems surprised that my ds will do what he's asked! Not that my ds is an angel but she really seems to have no influence over her little boy...So should I phone her and tell her about the biting? The montessori are well aware of the behaviour

OP posts:

JackBauer · 15/03/2010 00:39

I wouldn't call her, it might be seen as being a bit aggressive and she will get defensive and you will lose sight of why you called. I would mention it when you see her and also I agree with Val, I would avoid any playdates with this child until it is sorted unless you are there to watch like a hawk and stop him.

DD2 went through a biting phase, I was mortified and had to watch her the whole time so I could stop her when it looked as if she was going to bite. If his mother knows he is aggressive and is doing nothing I would find it hard to be friends TBH.

JackBauer · 15/03/2010 00:39

MadamDeathstare · 15/03/2010 01:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 02:22

My DS2 used to bite as well. It's tiring watching them like a hawk, but it has to be done. I think some people whose children bite get a bit hopeless and helpless about it - I've observed that some seem so embarrassed that they even pretend it's not happening IYSWIM, but there's NO excuse for not dealing with it - other parents really start to resent it.

Original poster

edd021208 · 15/03/2010 09:49

thanks everyone - my ds also used to bite but stopped by the time he was 2. It is really horrible to be the parent of a biter.. this child is 4 in a few weeks and as I said is generally aggressive - lots of hitting and kicking and his mum doesn't seem to think she is able to manage him. Ok, I won't call her but I think if my ds bit someone I might want to be told

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 10:02

If she wants to do something about it, but is genuinely at a loss, I find MN is rather helpful .... (but direct her towards Behaviour/Development, NOT AIBU

Do you think you could instigate a supportive conversation with her about it (hard, I know, but you at least do have the experience of parenting a DC who bites, so are empathetic

ihearthuckabees · 15/03/2010 10:06

edd,

I understand the situation you are in, and it IS very awkward talking to a mum who won't acknowledge their child's behaviour. When it happened to me, i tried to talk to her, but was also trying not to hurt her feelings or make her feel worse, so I was probably a bit too tactful IYKWIM. In the end, I started avoiding contact with the child. He is now 6, and still seen as a problem by a lot of parents. I don't think he gets invited to many parties/playdates, which is a shame for him, but also totally understandable on the part of the other parents.

I think the bottom line is, how much do you want to stay friends with the other mum and her child? If it's a lot, you'll have to bit the bullet and discuss it with her.

FlamingGalar · 15/03/2010 10:35

I have two friends whos dcs were really tricky toddlers. They would both push, bite, hit, kick and spit - really anti social behaviour. It got to the point where I didn't really want to socialise with them as my dd1 would always end up in tears and hurt in some way.

However, The difference between the way my two friends dealt with their dc's was huge - as is the way the dc behave now!

One Mum was really lazy passive or would throw out idle threats which she would never follow through. Her daughter is still a pain in the arse bit of a pickle now and still has a swipe at my dds now and again when she thinks noone is looking (she is now 7).

My other friend used to be very firm with her little boy and would issue warnings ie we will leave if you do that again etc and always follow then through. Now her son is a lovely little boy and beautifully behaved.

Veering a little of the question there op! However, it may spur her into action if you mention that your ds ins't enjoying playdates with him anymore (don't know if that's true, but it may be a good way to broach the subject!).

OrdinarySAHM · 15/03/2010 13:31

I lost a friend over something like this. I didn't say anything for a while but let my feelings over it build up until I 'blew up' about it and probably didn't confront the mother in the most tactful way.

I agree with people who said that some mothers with aggressive children pretend it isn't happening because they are embarrassed about it or don't know what to do about it. Also I think some mothers are so tired/depressed that they just don't want to deal with it so they ignore it.

I also agree with people who said that if you have a child like this and you know they are like this then you must go through a phase of watching them like a hawk and jump on aggressive behaviour immediately every time until the child learns not to do it anymore. My DS had a bit of a phase, not really bad, but it seemed like he could easily get aggressive over sharing issues and needed to be taught what to say to the other child rather than to lash out at them. I did watch him like a hawk and could see when a situation was likely to arise so I kept going to him and telling him what to say and making sure he didn't lash out. He did improve.

I really don't think it is fair for people to let their children hurt other children because they find it uncomfortable to deal with. It is part of our job as parents. We don't need to feel embarrassed as it is normal childlike behaviour, so long as we do something about it. If we do nothing about it then that is something to be embarrassed about.

I do feel sympathy for parents who just don't know what to do, but I think we have to put thought into it and try different things or get advice or read books or something and put effort into finding out what to do!

Jamieandhismagictorch · 15/03/2010 13:35

totally agree Ordinary

Original poster

edd021208 · 15/03/2010 16:42

I suppose I'm pretty 'strict' with my ds as in if he is aggressive or upsets someone I really strongly remind him not to be and am trying to get him to think about other people (easier said than done) so I had thought this other mum just had a different 'style.' But seeing the bitemarks it does annoy me or at least make me feel that she should do something to let her son know it isn't acceptable behaviour. She is a very nice and gentle person so I'd hate to upset her but it can't be good for her son for him to never be reprimanded - or is that too judgemental?

OP posts:

OrdinarySAHM · 15/03/2010 19:11

It isn't good for her son, you're right. If they don't learn that violence is not ok as children then they will get into big trouble as adults. You won't get away with it in a court of law by saying "Well I was angry so I couldn't help it" or whatever (that's what I say to my kids).

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