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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just don't want to spend the day with her

19 replies

Therewasanoldwoman · 14/03/2010 21:15

My PIL are coming down south in a month for two days. Usually they come for the weekend. This time it's Monday and Tuesday.

FIL is going off to meet some friends of his for the day. MIL wants to spend the day with me and the baby. My other two dcs will be in school.

I just don't want to spend the whole day with her alone. I find that when we're alone, she snipes at me and I find the bitchiness wearing. I always feel very low after I've spent time with her because if she's not had a chance to have a snip at me, there's always some other people she'll be catty about. It's fine though I guess but I'm with dh and the dcs so there's lots of distraction. FIL is fine.

We've not really got on in the past and whilst one might think that she might be wanting to offer an olive branch, I really don't want to spend a whole day with her. We'll have just seen them for three days two weeks beforehand.

AIBU and if I'm not bu, how can I get out of it? I can't really say I've got plans on a Monday that far in advance. Usually, ds2 and I sleep as he's 4 months, I'm knackered and love the rest before picking up the other two from school. She'd be here from 11am until 9pm.

I know I sound feeble but I'm so bloody knackered at the moment, the thought of anything beyond my usual routine is quite daunting.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 14/03/2010 21:17

Leave her to mind the baby and have a nap!

choosyfloosy · 14/03/2010 21:21

It does sound daunting, but I wonder if you could break it down?

Will it be so awful once your children are out of school and the normal afternoon/evening routine takes over? That's 3pm to 9pm - does the prospect of that feel better?

Then could you maybe ring your FIL and talk about the fact that you always do sleep between whatever, 12 and 2, and ask him to talk to his wife about that so that she understands it's really important for you both while the baby is so young?

Then it's an hour, 11 til 12 - early lunch maybe, and some sort of distraction task - could you maybe ask her to help you plan what to put in a window box (you don't actually have to do it!) or something?

The thing is, she MAY feel dischuffed if you head off to sleep for a couple of hours, and you may have to live with not pleasing her totally during her time with you. So be it. Best of luck.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 14/03/2010 21:23

It's in a month - surely your DH could book a days leave so that he could be there too? His mother!

Sn0wflake · 14/03/2010 21:33

I agree with CirrhosisBTS.

alicet · 14/03/2010 21:38

If your dh can't take a day off (and I think this would probably be the best solution) then I think choosyfloosy has some excellent advice.

Unfortunately it is probably unreasonable to not spend the day with her, but she needs to know that you will need to sleep when the baby sleeps - can your dh talk to her?

You probably can't change her sniping but you CAN change how it affects you - either smile and nod (and then pull faces behind her back!) or challenge her (politely) on her negative commetns.

Good luck

cat64 · 14/03/2010 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zippy539 · 14/03/2010 21:42

Choosy - I absolutely LOVE the window-box advice. I'm totally going to use that tactic next time the need arises - it's genius.

compo · 14/03/2010 21:51

I think staying until 9pm is a bit much

what time will dh be home? Can he get any time off?

I would st least send her on the sch run

RebeccaRabbit · 14/03/2010 22:06

YABU - it's just one day. Follow your normal routine, including nap.

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2010 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

piscesmoon · 14/03/2010 22:20

How sad! Think how you will feel if your DC's partners have that attitude. Let her look after the baby-take it out for a walk and leave you to catch up with some rest.

Original poster

Therewasanoldwoman · 14/03/2010 22:29

MadamDeathStare, I love your advice.

Dh can't take the day off - he's dead busy at work for the foreseeable future plus his dad wants to meet him for lunch in the city on that day.

I'd suggest that mil went in for lunch with fil to meet dh but she really wouldn't manage to get back by herself.

You know what, broken down into bits, it won't be so bad, I guess.

Ds2 is breastfed and can't get him to take a bottle of ebm, much as I've tried so that I can have a break. Mil thinks I don't express so I can keep the babies to myself!

But this means I can't really let her just chip off with him for a walk or whatever so I can get some big snoozing done. He's a big lad and rather hungry. I really wish I could palm him off onto someone else for a few hours with a bottle.......

So, I'll make an events plan for the day so that I know when it's going to end. I guess if I know it's not going to be a restful day, I can just go to bed earlier the day before and take mil out and about so that we're more in public than at home.

Sorry to sound so helpless. I think new baby tiredness can really make me feel quite pathetic at times! Thanks for all your advice.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2010 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 14/03/2010 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 14/03/2010 22:34

Perhaps you can express and say "here's the bottle, it would be wonderful if you could get him to take it" and whizz up to bed for a nap

Kitkatqueen · 14/03/2010 22:45

Zippy, deffo go with the wonderful window box advice, but !!! Actually do it! Go online and ask for her help to choose seeds/ order plants. If the next time she comes to visit she can see the result it will really improve your relationship.

Is there anything that she particularly enjoys / is good at?

And btw, I was really tired all the time when ds2 was about 4 months, 2 months on i'ts not so bad there is a light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes mine is even mother in law shaped

ChippingIn · 15/03/2010 00:52

Do you have a friend who could 'pop in' - you know, either someone very, very witty or someone very calm and smiley - a third party always helps in these situations and really - you can't help it if a friend just 'pops in' can you

CirrhosisByTheSea · 15/03/2010 13:55

I dunno, sounds a huge cop out from your DH to me. V V busy at work so that he can't factor in one day off a month ahead...okaaay. And his 'dad wants to meet him for lunch'? He just says to his dad, "I'm taking the day off so I can be with you and mum that day"

I'm not buying it and I think you're being a bit of a martyr if you put up with this arrangement when you really hate the idea so much.

Trifle · 15/03/2010 14:13

Agree that it's bollocks that your dh can't take the day off. Why doesnt he take the afternoon off, meet his parents for lunch then bring them all back, problem solved.

My in-laws are coming down in 2 weeks time. I have told DH to take the friday off. I've also made plans that day for myself and there is no way I am entertaining them on my own all day whilst the kids are at school.

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