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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send stepmother a mothers day card?

41 replies

tethersend · 14/03/2010 11:49

Gah.

My Stepmother met my Dad when I was 20; she's never been my mother- I have a mum who I'm very close to.

Along with Stepmother's own two kids, my brother sent her a card this year, making me the only one who didn't.

She's not said anything, but tone of her voice on the phone suggests she feels put out. I feel bad.

But she's not my mother!

Should I have sent her a card?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 14/03/2010 18:45

Tethersend, you must have the only male relative in the country who actually sends more Mother's Day cards than he has to

Original poster

tethersend · 14/03/2010 18:51

BoF, I think you may have got to the root of the problem.

He never sends birthday cards etc. and I think my dad may have mentioned to him. Now he's gone into overdrive and is just sending cards to everyone for every possible occasion.

I'm surprised I didn't get one.

OP posts:

cloelia · 14/03/2010 18:52

Next year buy a mother's day card and insert the word "step" in the appropriate place.

Tanga · 14/03/2010 19:21

Suppose it does look a bit pointed if you were the only one who didn't send one?

I am a Stepmum and echo the posts of others who wouldn't expect a card - but my DH, whose Dad died when he was in his teens, has a wonderful step-dad and DH sends him a Father's Day card. Mind you, he did talk to his brothers to see if they were OK with him starting to call his step-dad 'Dad'.

QOD · 14/03/2010 19:30

I didn't send one to mine because she is a wicked step mother LOL

DD only found out this week that I have 2 "ugly" step sisters and a step brother. SHe was most indignant. In my defense, they didn't even live with step mum before my dad met her, so I don't even really count them as HIS stepkids.
Nasty me.

LittleSilver · 14/03/2010 19:37

But see you next tuesday, OP was a GROWN UP when her DSM entered her life; it's a bit different isn't it? I do understand that you are hurt though.

I do send my DSM a mother's day card, but she got together with my mum when I was 11.

CUNextTuesday · 14/03/2010 20:04

Well yes, so we're DPs kids - 16 and 19. I don't expect a card, but they live here and I do everything that keeps them alive apart from their washing.

I'm not sure it's so far removed from the OP's post really - I'm just kind of giving the view from the other side of the fence.

Original poster

tethersend · 14/03/2010 20:32

I find it very hard to disagree with you CUNextTuesday, as your username is brilliant.

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU or not, so welcome views from both sides of the fence...

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 14/03/2010 21:03

I sent one to my DH's step mum (I guess my step mum in law) as she's great. I was 19 when I got together with DH and she came on the scene shortly after. I didn't send one as I think she's my mum or because I had to. I sent one as I think she's special and hopefully it'll give her a little lift that we are thinking about her.

BigHairyLeggedSpider · 14/03/2010 21:19

I'm a stepmum and I didn't get cards off the boys and I wouldn't expect to, even though they love me loads I just don't think they'd think of it and it doesn't matter to me one little bit. We did make sure they'd made some for their mum though as it would matter to her. (They did them in school and at cubs)

I did however have a lovely relaxed fun weekend with them and that matters to me much more than a card.

2rebecca · 14/03/2010 23:14

I'm a stepmother to 2 (the oldest now an adult) but have never received cards and don't expect to. My kids don't send their stepfather (my current husband) fathers day cards.
If you are in regular touch with your real father and mother and especially if stepparents only come into your life once you have left home or are just seen every other weekend then giving them equal status to your real parent is strange.
My mum is now dead but if my dad remarries there's no way the woman he married would ever get a mother's day card even if I liked her and wished my father well. I only had 1 mother and some other woman isn't going to replace her just because my dad chooses to marry her.

Nell799 · 26/05/2010 14:06

Not to send your SM a card, if you were an adult, when she was on the scene is fine, however, I am a SM to two teenage boys, and have been around for 5 years.

We have joint custody of them, so I spend as much time with them as their biomum does.

I cook, clean, take them out, buy them treats, spoil them at Christmas, spend hours researching food that they may eat because they are fussy, implemented them having their own bank accounts, and encouraging them to help out around the house, to prepare them for when they are older. I do sport with them, I also help with homework etc. I feel I invest more time and energy into creating more vairety in their life, and trying to make them more rounded individuals than the parents do, and was a bit narked when I didnt even get a thankyou.

Mothers, and Fathers day is about saying thankyou to your parents for what they have done for you. To show your appreciation. Why can't stepmothers be appreciated too, especailly when in essence it is a very hard role. You have to work twice as hard than a bio parent to make the relationship work, and alot of the time, there is little thanks.

minibmw2010 · 26/05/2010 14:09

How old is she now, that is how long has she been your stepmother? Aren't there cards for step mothers now, not just mothers? I'd have thought there must be ... there are cards for everything else. But I guess the point is if you don't want to, you don't have to.

Angelcat666 · 26/05/2010 14:25

I don't send cards to either my stepfather or my stepmother.

paisleyleaf · 26/05/2010 14:28

's okay. It's an old thread.

It's not mother's day.

Angelcat666 · 26/05/2010 14:33

Oops, never thought to look at the date

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