to expect family to be a bit quieter so DD doesn't wake up

[lindy100]

A long story but I don't want to BU by stealth and yes, I'm quite aware that I'm being a bit pfb - the worst that can happen is that she'll wake up and I'll have to go up and get her back to sleep. No biggie, really.

So, I'm staying at my parents' for the weekend, with 7 month old DD. The issue is the noise - my family live at a higher noise level than me and DH. They talk much more loudly than I feel is necessary, are quick to shout at the dogs and each other, and seem to have no comprehension that they could be quieter.

To complicate things, my parents also have two adults with learning disabilities living with them, one who has dementia, so needs constant attention and can be quite noisy himself (this is not my complaint, btw). They talk to him extremely loudly and shout to each other instructions when they are helping him move around.

It is the constant 'talking' to each other about twice as loudly as is necessary, with the tv also blaring. I keep thinking that DD has woken up only to realise that the talk downstairs is being picked up by the baby monitor upstairs

AIBU to expect them to make a bit of effort to be a bit quieter, or AI just B precious? They have, after all, been married for 40 years and have the right to conduct their behaviour as they like in their own homes. But don't they care that they could help me not worry by making a bit of en effort? She has been known to find it v hard to sleep here during our Christmas visit.

Before anyone says it, yes, this definitely most probably is part of a more deep-seated issue. But I'll stick with this for now

Do you know what, I always struggle to relax when staying elsewhere with my 2 kids aged 2 and a half years and 14 months. Always worry about noise waking them and feel a bit on edge constantly listening out for crying etc.

Sounds completely normal to me.

I guess I have a deep rooted fear that they won't settle again if woken in a strange place and I'll spend hours trying to soothe them back to sleep. It never happens but I worry anyway and sometimes feel like saying "Hello can you be a little quieter?"

LOL

Talking about the baby of course, had the same problem when my DD was younger too.

Have you asked them nicely to keep it down? If not, I dont think you should have any expectations.

Actually, you're not being unreasonable to want a bit of quiet. When your child gets disturbed in the night it's a pain in the arse

However, like you say, it won't kill her!

I suppose you could not visit them? Or book accommodation near them so you can retire to your own space at night? Or just accept that it's noisy and she might wake?

But the fact that you say this is part of a bigger issue says it all. Tackle the actual problem, and not the symptoms.

i think babies can sleep through a lot of noise

DD has slept through all sorts including NYE's fireworks

you could gently ask them but i think that it sounds like they have a busy household so noise is to be expected

YANBU I think people should try to think of their guests feelings, especially when one of their guests is a sleeping baby. A bit of thoughtfullness and sensitivity is all that's needed. If I has a friends/relatives baby staying over at my house then I wouldn't dream of making noise or being loud at bedtime.

I would ask them nicely and if that didn't work then I probably wouldn't stay over again until baby was much older. At the end of the day, it's their house and they can do as they please but you cannot force people to see your point of view. You can only change your own.

I don't think you're being precious, but in five years' time you will look back on this and wonder why on earth you spent the effort on it! I know it feels heavy now (getting up to deal w/ dd, prolonging your own ongoing "sleep debt" (I'm guessing there - most people with 7mo-olds have a horrid wearing sleep debt going on), not knowing how long it will take to settle her back into her routine at home, etc.) but I PROMISE you (a) she will settle back into her routine and you will forget she was ever out of it and (b) if your parents are the sort of lovely people to foster/care for adults with learning disabilities, well they should be cherished.

If you can, just roll with this one, and promise yourselves (you and dd) a lovely peaceful rest when you get back. You will feel the better for it in five years' time!

I never creep around when my babies are in bed. never lower the noise level.

I believe that as a result of this, I have 2 children who will sleep through pretty much any level of noise. We can actually hoover in the their rooms when they are asleep (not that we have to do that v often)

Aw I agree with this lol, I stayed with my parent last year for 3 mnths as our house flooded and all floors were completely rotten and had to be relaid on downstairs level...council said 2 weeks, ha!! 3 months!!

ANYWAY....I have a dd aged nearly 8 at the time, and my ds who was 2 and is nw 3, my ds has a very rare genetic disorder and has severe epilepsy and takes seizures daily, when going to sleep for example, or if woken up suddenly, although lots of other situations like nappy changes and baths start them too, and very difficult to get him to sleep, as he goes soo hyper at night, because of all the drugs he is on for epilepsy, he cant walk, talk etc, and is completely dependant...and at my parents they talk FEKN LOUD, they shout questions to one another from other rooms and from upstairs to downstairs, regardless if the kids were asleep or ME for tht matter, and get up very early and continue talking REALLY LOUD, was bloody awful, I did say things like "Ssh kids are asleep" etc, but they just kept on...and they talk to on another while trying to take out or put back plates etc!!!! OH MY GOD!!, so it was torture, so no YANBU, if someone stayed with me with young kids, or kids in general, I automatically would consider they were asleep, but some ppl either just don't or don't realise they r being loud xxxx

You will be surprised how much noise she will sleep through.. I've never made any effort to be quiet around them upstairs sleeping!
I also think its rude to visit people and tell them how to live in their own home. Sorry

I used to be like this at my mother's - she lives in a tiny house and my family is large, VERY talkative and VERY opinionated so there is a lot, lot, lot of loud discussion going on all the time. DH finds it quite exhausting, actually. Anyway, I used to really want them to keep it down, at least for the first 15 mins after I had put DS down, so he could at least get a good chance to go to sleep in the first place.

I also once asked my mother not to flush the loo, if she went in the middle of the night or early in the morning, in case it woke my PFB. She was HORRIFIED

However - all my requests to my devoted family were roundly ignored and you know what? DS went to sleep fine & slept through fine every time we visited when he was a young baby.

So - YANBU for being worried - fair enough - but unless they actually have woken your baby up more than once already, and it already has been difficult to re-settle her, then you would BU for insisting on them being quiet - when there really might be no need.

oh, ps, sorry - just saw you said there had been issues at Xmas. But are you sure those were noise related? So much changes in such a short time with such a tiny baby that I think it is hard to tell. 7 months is a lovely age btw Congrats

Thanks for all your replies - it feels better to know that I'm not being entirely unreasonable - and I have asked them (nicely, I think) to be a bit quieter sometimes. The way this generally impacts on them is that they shout in her face when trying to play (that is NOT an exaggeration, by the way), and then they get frustrated when she inevitably cries. I tell them that if they keep it on a low a little bit more, everyone will have more fun!

I also agree that it is not great to tell them how to live their lives in their own house - after all, they have had their own home for a long time now. When they come here, dogs aren't allowed in the room, so DD can sit on the floor any play - in their house, I don't feel it appropriate to ask for or insist on this, as dogs are part of their 'family' iyswim. SO I hope I'm being reasonable.

As for tackling the wider issue, sadly that would probably mean me not seeing them again for a long time, and I'm not prepared to do that, as on the whole they are people who I love very much.

But they are so LOUD

I'm with Differentnameforthis, we carry on as normal when the dcs are in bed.

Maybe try being more noisy at home yourselves

This will help your dd become more used to noise when asleep and hopefully, make you less worried about her waking up when staying away from home.