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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL's favouritism

22 replies

Tanga · 13/03/2010 19:56

I've been quietly seething a bit all day about my MIL. It's DS's 3rd birthday today (and he's poorly) and he got, from his gran, a fiver in a card.

Now I'm not being ungrateful, I think - it's not the amount of money, or even the lack of effort in not buying a present - no problem, you know, it's nice to get any little gesture.

But DSS's birthdays are marked by the arrival, several days in advance, of huge boxes full of games, clothes, toys AND money.

DH had a word with her last Easter when she sent chocolate for both boys, but extra presents for DSS. Her explanation was that she felt sorry for him.

AIBU to be bothered by this? DS is currently too young to notice, so maybe I should just chill out?

OP posts:

PeedOffWithNits · 13/03/2010 19:59

so did MIL like (presumableY) your DHs ex more than she likes you, or something?

or is it just that she feels the younger child needs less because they understand less?

how old is DSS?

YANBU, but i am not sure is deliberately BU either, depends on reasons

PeedOffWithNits · 13/03/2010 20:01

......am not sure SHE is....

that should say

Reallytired · 13/03/2010 20:02

Is your ds her granchild? I don't think you are being unreasonable if she is favouring granchildren. The two children need to be treated equally.

Prehaps your DH needs to have a word again and if she continues then post any gives she gives your dss or ds back to her. Tell her that you rather that the two children got no presents than one being favoured.

soupdela · 13/03/2010 20:04

Ouch! That's pretty nasty actually and YANBU because as you say your DS is too young to notice at the mo' then presumably it's directed at you?

CheerfulYank · 13/03/2010 20:08

Is your DS her son's child? YANBU either way, just wondering. Why would she "feel sorry" for your DSS?

Skegness · 13/03/2010 20:13

Are you sure it's favouritism? If your stepson is a lot older than your son then I don't think it's inappropriate, necessarily. My children's grandparents give my sons (10) a lot more than my daughter (7 months) because they want more and appreciate it. Nothing to do with favouritism- they adore all of them.

Original poster

Tanga · 13/03/2010 20:34

Both boys are her grandsons - DSS is my DH's son from a former relationship and DS is his and mine (IYSWIM)

I did think when DS was tiny it was just about not buying big pressies for babies because I know some people think that's a waste of time or whatever - but DH and I were together by the time DSS was 2 and she gave him bags of toys/games etc then. She quite often pops a 'little something' in the post for DSS at other times too, saying she just saw it and thought of him, or similar, but not for DS.

I know it's not about preferring DH's ex as MIL never liked her and she (ex) behaved very badly when she and DH split up, stopping him seeing DSS, making all kinds of threats, and generally being very abusive to the whole family. MIL never says anything to DSS but is very negative about his mother and her choices (even ones that are perfectly normal, like being a vegetarian - I sometimes have to stop her handing over gelatine sweets or whatever)

Could she possibly not realise she's doing it?

OP posts:

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 20:37

I'd say maybe she jsut feels sorry for him, in her eyes possibly he's " a poor little mite from a broken home and has an awful mother" whereas your son has 2 parents and a lovely mother? She might not realise how much the difference is obvious?
Hard to know. Is she otherwise caring and interested in your son?

wonka · 13/03/2010 20:43

My inlaws make differences between my boys singling out one for all the thoughtless crappy presents (he should have been a girl!) We were told on scan he was and well.. they've never got over the disappointment!

Original poster

Tanga · 13/03/2010 20:46

That's terrible, wonka! How do you deal with it? That's something else I worry about - that as DS gets older he'll get resentful about it.

OP posts:

groundhogs · 13/03/2010 20:52

hmm, it's tricky Tanga, as you say, not THAT much of an issue at 3, but literally, this is the last year she can really get away with that and it not being noticed by your DS.

It needs to be nipped in the bud, by whatever means necessary, and nipped now.

DH is going to have to sit this mother of his down and read her the riot act. Either exactly the same approach to gifts for both GS or no presents whatsoever will be accepted at all.

Why do some people have to make things so needlessly hard?

CarGirl · 13/03/2010 20:57

I wonder if she just has a much closer bond with your dss because he is her first gc.

I do agree that the behaviour needs to be stopped/modified/far less obvious.

Skegness · 13/03/2010 21:00

How much older is your stepson though? I do think if he is 5+ years older it isn't such an issue as the boys simply won't expect to be treated the same.

Original poster

Tanga · 13/03/2010 21:08

He's not her first grandson as DH's older brother has an older son - in fact he is the 3rd grandchild of 5. But she didn't get to see him for nearly 2 years while the court case rumbled on, so I'm sure there are issues and I think runnybottom is closest - she sees him as a 'poor little mite'.

Which I understand but it doesn't make it easier to deal with and OK, his parents aren't together but he is very loved by both of them and their wider families on both sides - in fact of all her grandchildren he probably gets the most attention/presents etc!

OP posts:

Skegness · 13/03/2010 21:09

And how old is he?

ThePinkOne · 13/03/2010 21:12

I was going to say the same as runnybottom. I have a friend with a very similar situation and that was the grandparents viewpoint.

Skegness · 13/03/2010 21:33

I reckon your stepson is quite a bit older than your son and, if so, think it's fairly likely that their nan is perfectly reasonably treating them differently because of their respective ages. But only because you don't seem to want to reveal your stepson's age!

wonka · 13/03/2010 21:56

I don't deal with it.. it all came to a head this Christmas when he cried why is my present always rubbish and theirs is alway brill.. My heart broke and I made no effort this year to hide it from them.. I hope it was eye opening? We'll see at his birthday? Next Christmas we're staying at home!

chipmonkey · 13/03/2010 22:06

Aw, wonka, the poor little pet! They sound horrible! I don't understand people who can treat children that way.

Original poster

Tanga · 13/03/2010 22:12

Sorry Skegness, I didn't see your question before I posted last (x-post as I was thinking about my reply?)- not hiding it at all, DSS is 7, 4 years older than DS. I don't see that it is wildly relevant - I'm not saying they should be bought exactly the same present, obviously that wouldn't be appropriate, but I don't see that it is 'perfectly reasonable' to buy one child a box full of presents and one child a fiver in a card. Particularly when I can compare presents bought for both boys at the same age, ie 4 years ago when DSS was 3 compared to now (when DS is 3).

I get that it is much more my issue than the boys issue - obviously DS doesn't realise but as groundhogs says, this is the last year that will be true. Ideally we could just buy DS treats to match ourselves, but money is really tight right now and I resent seeing DS peering into parcels with his older brother and there not being anything for him.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 13/03/2010 22:15

You know, I do kind of get why they would favour him from the presents point of view but if the presents are always opened in the presence of your ds, it is just plain wrong.

runnybottom · 13/03/2010 22:25

I think she needs to be told that gently then. She didn't see him for a long time, she prob feels guilty and like she has to compensate him. Maybe if your DH sits her down and gently tells her that there really is no need anymore, sort of like "thank you for being so kind but thats enough now" sort of way, theres a good chance you could end it before your DS notices.

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