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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to not want to drive 100s of miles so ex-p can have access

14 replies

kissingfrogs · 13/03/2010 19:06

getting pressure off newly-ex'd ex-p to have access when he wants, for how long he wants, to dcs. He insist I do at least half the milage (180 mile around trip twice for me to drop off & then pick up). I feel this is not on as I'm on a really tight budget. I understand he wants to save his money, but why should I pocket the extra expense? He is giving me no financial support atall.
He moved miles away when we split but that's my fault for asking him to leave
He's threatening legal action/father's rights/to be a right sh*t if I kick up a fuss.

OP posts:

coldtits · 13/03/2010 19:09

wWhoever mnoved funds the cost.

nobody made him move, he could have ,moved into a flat down the road

StewieGriffinsMom · 13/03/2010 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tartyhighheels · 13/03/2010 19:19

let him take you to court - they will want to know why no financial support

stand your ground and start as you mean to go on - of course you should make your children available for contact legally and morally but running round all over the place is not the plan

why don't you contact a solicitor and start legal proceedings yourself to define contact? might be the best thing as it will probably go that way anyway and taking the initiative will let you set the agenda rather than have to reply to his demands. Also asking the court to help you define contact will relieve some of the tension for you.

This is unreasonable, he moved away to punish you for asking him to leave - that is his responsibility so please do not back down because once you start this you cannot stop it.

Sorry for you though as it pulls at your heart strings when partners use their dc's to get to you.

CarGirl · 13/03/2010 19:21

The courts would nearly always insist that he collects and drops them off so stand firm and say no.

ShadeofViolet · 13/03/2010 19:29

He should do the travelling if he is the one that moved away.

Let him take you to court!

Sazisi · 13/03/2010 19:35

Why isn't he giving any financial help?

yanbu at all.

I bring DD1 to see her dad/he comes and gets her/he comes to stay so he can see her, but that's because I moved away so feel I need to take some responsibility for enabling her to see him, and he does pay maintenance.

Scardypants · 13/03/2010 19:37

If he's not giving you any financial assistance and he moved so far away to piss you off then tough for him, he'll have to make the trip or suck it up. If he had to move to get work or affordable accomodation then he may be within his rights to ask you to travel halfway BUT only if he is giving you regular maintenance payments. At the moment he isn't so tell him to take you to court and see how far he gets with the judge!

I don't agree with 'whoever moves funds the cost'. I had to move two hours away with dd when I split up with her dad. I moved closer to my mum so she could mind dd when I worked and I had secured a job that I couldn't get anywhere else. For this reason I travel halfway because it's not his fault dd was moved so far from him BUT I did it so dd could have a better life and he knew that. There's no way I would do all the traveling or pay his petrol cost to meet me halfway.

Original poster

kissingfrogs · 13/03/2010 22:22

Ta for replies. He moved so far away because he went to live with his best friends rent/bill free (they're supporting him)as that was only place he had to go really. He has no money as he's unemployed - has been for last 6 months (so are his bfs - peas in a pod). Then again, I now have no money either and I've everything to pay for and now I'm having to put a claim in for income support - but only temp I hope (I hate having to do this).
What really gets my goat is that ex-dp & his bfs seem to think I've got money to burn because (and this will make you as it does me) because I receive disability living allowance for my 4yr old. This dla however is HERS and paid into a savings account for HER.
So, ex-dps statement of "but you've got more money than me" really cuts to the bone.

I'm going to stick my neck out and offer to meet him closer to home, but not miles and miles. He'll probably get really angry and may renegade on it when it comes to picking them up. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I think I may have to go to CAB to get some advice
I'm so stressed. I've been made to feel as if it's all my fault and I should be supporting him. His bfs wife rang me in tears saying she didn't have enough food to put on the table (she has 2 dcs too) and that I should do what I can to help him out as he wasn't contributing to their house because he had no money. I told her he wasn't giving me any money, but then she came out with the immortal line of "but you've got more than us" (dla for crying out loud!). I can't get over it - she's got 2 able grown men in her house who aren't working yet it all comes down on me.
Is the world going mad???????

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 13/03/2010 22:29

OMG, they sound unbelievable! How old are they FFS?

I'd just ignore him and wait for him to go through the courts, tbh.

for your DC really, with that excuse for a father.

tartyhighheels · 13/03/2010 22:32

no but your ex is - if you are going onto benefits then you are entitiled to legal aid etc and now might be the time to get things straight with him.

If his friend is putting him up for free to the detriment of her own children then more fool her, it is not your responsibility.

You are a nice person or wouldn't give a shit but don't be a mug and take this as it is nothing to do with you.

gaelicsheep · 13/03/2010 22:38

It sounds like the world's indeed going mad kissingfrogs. Yes he had reasons for moving, but you're not exactly in a great position yourself. It sounds like you're being very reasonable.

Incidentally however, we were very pissed off that DH's ex didn't help at all in maintaining access, but that's because she moved the same distance away as we had to (we met years after the split btw) - in the opposite direction. About 400 miles distance in total requiring an overnight stay each way just to pick the DCs up.

Original poster

kissingfrogs · 13/03/2010 23:00

I understand that gaelicsheep. That's why I did drive halfway last time, to help out. But his recent behaviour makes me feel a tad less helpful, especially seeing as I really am feeling the pinch. I'm torn between being helpful & being made to do it because of threats (taking away TV, washer etc if I "play dirty").

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 13/03/2010 23:11

get in touch with csa....you should still get £5 a week from his jsa.

if he were working then csa would give a mileage allowancen from maintenence.

courts will keep access and maintenence separate....so address them separately,money wont be dealt with in the family courtd

neither of you have rights to the dc....the rights are the dc's as per the childrens act...so his 'fathers rights' rubbish will get him nowhere

how does he propose to do his share of travel?how will he pay for this if he has no money then how will he feed dc in his care?

lastly,if he take you to court,then the case will be read in the jurisdiction of the childs home,i.e,your town,for which he will have to travel

gaelicsheep · 14/03/2010 21:36

Just to correct a couple of factual points in the last post. I don't think the CSA give any allowances off maintenance any more, for mileage or anything else. That's why the percentage of income now is so much lower than it used to be (in our day).

And actually, even when the CSA did allow a measly mileage allowance for travel to work costs (only payable after the first 150 miles) there were never ever any allowances made for contact costs unless in exceptional circumstances. DH's weren't exceptional enough apparently - they (and his ex) were quite happy that he couldn't afford contact more than twice a year.

Anyhow, as I said, that was then. 15% of income allows scope for these things. 40% plus didn't.

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