to think that even little white lies are not acceptable in a commited relationship?

[amber1979]

Or am I being unrealistic?

I'm talking about things like "My battery is going, I'll talk later" when speaking on the phone/online.

Or, "yes I changed the cat litter on Wedenesday", "my friend really does like you, you're just imaging it.."

Are these little white lies acceptable? I personally think that they indicate a lack of respect.

AIBU?

It depends on the definition of "white"

Normally a white lie means a small lie you tell to avoid hurting someone's feelings - e.g. "yes Granny, I wear that sweater all the time"

I'm struggling to see how "My battery is going, I'll talk later" fits into this.

There are straightforward ways to tell someone you wish to end a conversation that don't necessitate a lie.

"yes I changed the cat litter on Wedenesday" is just a common or garden lie. There's nothing white about it, it's an attempt to get yourself out of trouble by lying.

"my friend really does like you, you're just imaging it.." - this is the only example of a white lie you've given.

If someone was telling me that many casual lies I would not want to be in a relationship with them because I would not consider them to have much integrity.

I'm dead economical with the truth on MN. If I was truthful about what I get up to all the time I wouldn't survive here for a second (and have already had several near-death stoning experiences).

So what makes fiction different to lies? the fact that it's a nice lie?

Bonsoir:
you can argue that everything is fiction. but lets not go there, lets focus on.

telling a story, ahhh, watching a film, ahhh.
telling someone that there is a man called Santa and HE DEFINATELY EXISTS no matter what Jimmy at school told you is a lie.

and i was trying to be lighthearted about the footballer thing. in case i didnt make that abolutely clear.

skidoodle is right on the money here.

Lying about why you're hanging up is not a white lie. It's an evasion. lying about cat litter is an attempt to get out of trouble. I wouldn't class those as white lies.

A white lie is when I tell my DP just before we rush to the shops that no, of course his hair looks perfectly fine when he's smeared it in gel the day before and now it just looks liek a greasy mess. Because he'll fret if I tell him the truth, and he hasn't time to wash his hair in that scenario. It does no one any harm.

Me not telling him about some of the stuff my mum says (so a lie of ommission) is slightly more of a grey area, but still. he has depression and self esteem issues, so I do what I must to stop there being all out war between them.

If a lie causes harm im a relationship, even simply because it creats suspicion and distrust, it is by definition no longer a white lie.

So YABU, but only because you aren't actually talking about white lies. YANBU to be cross at the lies you have been told.

Out of interest, where does "This new handbag? Oh, it was on sale and only £20" when it was much more than that come into the lie / white lie / fiction thing?

outright lie, Snorbs. Nothign white about it.

White lies are important and have nothing to do with lack of respect, far more to do with respect for partner's feelings, actually.

Agree that random off-the-top-of-the-head lies to get you out of trouble or save you time or whatever don't qualify as white and are generally a Bad Thing.

Snorbs:
that comes under white lie. or a 'ooooh, no, i've had this for ages, you never pay attention!' lie

That's my thinking. I would feel that my husband was being pretty careless with my feelings were he to tell me the truth in some cases. For example, as I am 20wks pregnant at the moment there are times my clothes don't fit right, or my arse looks bigger than normal etc etc or I am being a hormonal nightmare. I wouldn't expect him to tell me truth about all of that, because it would hurt my feelings. And of course there will be times he gets fed up with the fact that I am being over-emotional or whatever, I don't think he is really a saint!

Hmmm, the clothes/shoes thing. Previously when I had more money I might have done this, as it wouldn't harm anyone, my money etc...but I wouldn't have wanted him to think that I was an eejit for spending so much on something he would think silly, I wanted him to respect my fiscal sense! But now that I am retraining and we pool our finances every month I wouldn't lie, but I wouldn't spend the money either. It wouldn't be fair to waste the money we have, and I wouldn't lie about it.

my boyfriend replying "don't be silly, you're tiny" when in fact I am a sizable 16 is a white lie.

My ex boyfriend replying "yes of course I've paid the rent" is a big black one

I know perfectly well that my standards of housekeeping have slipped in the last year. I know I have been a miserable cow a lot of the time. I know I spend too much time on Mumsnet. But on the whole I feel I can manage to maintain feelings of respect for dh even if he is occasionally less than totally honest on these topics

Hmmm maybe I'm actually confusing what a "white lie" actually is.

so to all those who feel that white lies are not acceptable.
imagine if your DH called you to ask if youd done something that was really important to him, and hed be upset if you didnt do it.
and you were just about to start it or had forgotten. and you were able to do it quickly without him finding out.
would you REALLY say no and start and argument or upset him?
really?

and do you tell your DH he is being unacceptable when he tells you you are the teensiest person in the world and hed prefer one shag from you than twenty shags with Cheryl Cole?

amber, I think you are possibly, understandably in your circs. White lies shouldn't hurt or disrespect anyone. Anything that hurts or disrespects someone isn't a white lie, IMO.

My DH is not such an asshole that it would start an argument if I admitted I'd forgotten to do something but was just about to do it.

He also has better taste than to want to shag Cheryl Cole he knows better than to tell me I am the "teensiest"

Also white lies area only for the benefit of the lied to, not the liar.

so, telling someone you've done something to avoid a row isn't a white lie - you can claim that you're "sparing their feelings" by avoiding the row, but really you're just trying to cover your own arse.

by this logic it counts as a white lie to tell your wife you are working late when you are actually fucking your secretary.

Exactly, Skidoodle. The cat litter isn't such a big deal. If he'd said "Err... sorry I forgot!" I wouldn't have given a stuff. My response probably would've been "yer'd forget yer head if it wasn't screwed on, yer big daftie" and given him a cuddle.

YABU
blimey