I hate being a SAHM but I have to admit...

[TheMysticMasseuse]

... that my dcs (4 and 2) are much happier, and my relationship with them is so much more enjoyable than when I was working. I sort of suspected it, but didn't expect it to be so tangible.

DH too seems happier and our relationship has improved too. Probably because I am less stressed and less tired.

I, however, feel terribly unfulfilled, not to mention bored, and resent the circumstances that have led me to be to be where I am.

Am I being a selfish bitch?

No. Bitch is a awful word and just because you would like to be doing something else with your day, it doesn't make you a bad mother/wife/person.

Just being a SAHM is mind numbingly boring. You need to do something to take yourself away from the children - studying, voluntary job, part time paid work.

You are not being a selfish bitch. Your resentment is understandable, and resentment can be very corrosive.

No, you're not being selfish to think of yourself, you're being normal.

You have put your career on hold in an attempt to help your family life and it's worked but that doesn't mean you stop being a person in your own right with your own separate interests and needs. #

Could you do a course in something? Use the time you have off work to learn something you've always wanted to? There are lots of adult and community colleges that offer tonnes of different subject courses and lots have a creche too.

I didn't expect such supportive responses- was just getting the hard hat!

thanks. Unfortunately I think right now the resentment I feel is preventing me from taking actions to change my situation, eg a course. It's very poisonous and I am aware of that, but I just can't snap out of the "poor little me" feeling.

Nope. I couldn't do it, even if it was better for DS
Thankfully DH will be having him mon-thurs and working weekends from April onwards so I can work more, which I need to do to bring home the (veggie, halal) bacon, and DS can stay with one of us every day. Assuages my guilt completely a bit.

Not that there's anything up with childcare TBH - DS loves his nursery and they are great with him, no cbeebies or MN, so I don't feel guilty about that either.

Guilt is overrated. Can you get back into working when youngest is 3/4?

I can't find work where I am now- we have moved for dh's work. I am looking, but very unoptimistic.

I would have to retrain. I loved my job (truly it WAS what I always wanted to do) and had decent career prospects. I feel floored thinking i have to start from scratch, i'd rather be on MN all day

I sometimes wonder how come millions of women can enjoy and actively desire this lifestyle and I can't seem to accept it. Maybe I have some kind of defective motherly gene.

Mystic - I feel exactly the same. Sometimes I feel like a lazy waste of space, but everyone is so much happier now I'm not working - all agreed a few weeks ago that none of us wanted me to go back to work. No crisis if a child is ill, no stress at holiday time, no after school club ( which they used to like I thought)... I do voluntary work and I am slowly getting round to retraining, but I still get bored. All in all it feels like the right move, glad you feel the same.

No, I'm with you. As far as I can tell we're completely normal. If it's not for you then there's no point in pretending even if the other benefits are obvious.

So make a deal with yourself. When DC1 starts school and DC2 gets three sessions nursery, take that time for you, either working or doing a class or whatever it is makes you happy. Then there's a light at the end of the tunnel and you can pace yourself towards that day.

I have been at home since I was 9 weeks pregnant in 2000. I have 3 children and my youngest went full time in January. Now I have the time I help in school one morning a week and have lots of plans but tbh until my head is sorted I can't take on much more. I am happy at home most of the time and find having the house straight actually helps me and stops the resentment forming. Afterall it isn't the kids fault I do too much for them..

Just wanted to say that you are not alone. I hated being a SAHM and felt like the the least maternal person in world once ds was born. This was despite my entire career / game plan in life being 'be a mum'.

I joined the gym when he was 6 weeks old (having never been before ) and went for 2 hours a day, every day just to get rid of him in the creche for 2 hours.

By the time DD was born 2 years later things improved slightly and I started by ebay business. I still had to keep busy even if it was only walking to the post office everyday with parcels.

I wasn't a playdoh, orgainic type mum. I love my kids, keep the house tidy and on top of the ironing but it doesn't fulfil me. Now that they are both at school I have all day to work on expanding my business and go to the gym (old habits die hard). Then I concentrate on the after school activities and the mummy time from 3 until 7 when they go to bed.

This is a bit rambling but what i'm trying to say is that being a sahm is good for my family but wasn't the best thing for me . I worked around it and made it fit. If you can crowbar a few hours a week of time for yourself into your life it may make happier. IME happier me equals a better mum.

What sort of thing did you do when you were at work? Not all voluntary work is making tea in the local hospital or clearing woodland (which is fine if that is what you are after - a bit of structure to your week and some adult company). But if you are looking for more of an intellectual challenge, many charities are desperate for trustees: they basically run the business side of the charity, make decisions on staffing, funding, finance and strategy. They often meet in the evening, too, so it's easier as the other parent may be at home to look after the children.

I felt terribly guilty at seeing my children happy that I was home, but feeling so miserable myself. I have reconciled myself to the fact that I'm a better mother when I work (a bit!).

It's about quality, not quantity: a few hours away can make the rest of your time with your children much more fulfilling for everyone.