To leave my ds aged 11 on his own?

[PatsyStone]

I am fuming about something that was said to me last night and although I am sure I am doing nothing wrong, I just want some extra feedback from other people, please.

Sometimes I leave my very sensible ds who is 11 (year 6) at home alone. Now this is usually if I am popping into town, food shop or maybe picking up dropping off dd/dh somewhere very local. I am never more than ten minutes away by car, and he knows not to answer the door or phone, or use the kitchen or computer. I am 99% sure he sits on the sofa pleased to have the buttons for the telly to himself and he probably sneaks himself the odd biscuit. He has everyone's phone numbers, and we have plenty of neighbours who he knows he can call on if needs be. I am probably gone for 1.5 hours tops, and I wouldn't leave him late at night.

When I said I did this last night I was told this was illegal (on googling I am pretty sure it isn't) and social services would "come down on me like a ton of bricks", especially if something was to happen to him. It would also seem that 10/11 year olds should not be out on their own either, playing or going to the local shop etc.

So, AIBU to do the above?

YANBU and it is not illegal to leave your son at this age. If you feel your own son is sensible enough to be left on his own for this period of time then, as his parent it is your decision! You are NOT doing anything wrong.

Absolutely not! He's 11 fgs - a year away from high school! There's far too much cotton wool wrappage going on these days - I was doing errands on a bus into town at that age!

YANBU at all.

I leave my 10yo DD at her own request all the time, she'd far rather have the house to herself than drag around the supermarket with me and she is perfectly capable of reacting to any emergency with sense.

I do it all the time with my DD.

She loves it.

Well, I don't mean literally all the time. But the odd hour here and there.

She is year six, and is also very sensible.

Tell your friends to keep their noses out.

I think it depends on the child

My dc are younger but I hope I will be able to leave them on their own by the time they are 11 but not sure if I would for 1.5 hrs to be honest (more like 30mins).

11 is a funny age though isn't it. I know some VERY mature 11 yr olds and some very immature ones ...

No, you're fine imo. I have a 13 yo and a 12 yo (as well as younger children) and I started leaving them for short periods on their own when they were 11. In fact, my dd is nearly 10 and I left her alone for a short while the other day. A few months ago I left all of them, then aged 13, 11, 9 and 6 for about an hour when I went to the dentist. And the other week dh and I went out for the evening leaving all 4 of them. We were only up the road - I wouldn't like to have driven away from them for an evening - but we were gone for about 4 hours and they had to all put themselves to bed etc.

It was the norm when I was a child. I used to have my own doorkey, walked a mile to and from school each day and let myself into the house from the age of about 8.

Thankyou. As far as I can tell, the main person spouting at me yesterday has only one fairly young child, definitely much younger than my ds, so she probably has no idea what an 11 year old actually is like, she has never met him.

I am not sure what qualifies her to make such a statement either. I do have a social worker friend who I am going to ask.

He hates shopping so why bother dragging him round? He loves his little bit of independence, and I am sure it is good for him to slowly stand on his own two feet.

We do it all the time too so YADNBU. I spose it depends on the child but surely an 11 yr old can fend for themselves for an hour or 2!

There is no legal age for leaving children unaccompanied ( lower or upper)
Each case is judged on its own merit.
YANBU to leave your 11 yr old, you know him best and you have made a judgement that he can be trusted to stay safe.
I leave my almost 10 yr old for 45 mins now and again whilst i take DS2 to swimming lessons.
No harm done

I used to work in child protection...

I leave my 11 yr old DD alone occasionally - taking other DCs somewhere, picking them up , doing local shopping etc.

Now, if you were leaving a 5 year old alone for an hour...different matter,

It sounds like the person you spoke to with 'younger children'- doesn't know shit (sorry, am a bit hormonal).
Don't worry...you sound like a responsible caring parent.

Anyone working on Duty to receive a call about an 11 year old being left for 20 mins would probably piss themselves laughing with colleagues the minute the phone was put down...

Unless you were leaving her with a crack pipe or other risk, obviously

Shouldn't be out on their own aged 11 - how the buggery are they supposed to get to high school then? She's talking out of her arse frankly.

YANBU, my DC are younger but I would expect by age 11 they could spend short periods of time alone in the house in the kind of circumstances you describe. At 11 they are coming up to secondary school age and will have to start being more independent so it is as well to start with smaller steps at a younger age imo.

yanbu-I leave my ds (nearly eleven) on own for up to 30 mins in house, he has walked to school since he was nine and he goes to local park unaccompanied and stays there for a couple of hours.

Titchy - I know! Frankly I am hoping he will be able to get himself to secondary school come September...

Glad it is not just me then. I can remember thinking "oh, I'll never do x y or z..." when looking at parents with their older children when ds was younger, but one thing I have learnt is that you will never know how your child will be until you get to that stage iykwim. i.e. I won't judge how a parent deals with their teenager, because I haven't got to that stage yet, and so do not have a clue!

No you are not! That is absurd. I do it all the time - it's the only way to stay sane when you have a child that refuses to be dragged everywhere that mummy goes. In fact IIRC DS#1 was 10 when I started leaving him to take DD to gym lessons etc in the afternoons.

I also have an 11 yr old ds and a younger one and do exactly what the OP does on occasion, leaving him on his own while I drop the other one to Cubs or do a quick shop locally. I don't allow him to answer the door or phone (but he MUST answer his mobile if I call him!) but I do let him use the computer - our spyware and child controls are so strict that I don't think he can see much more than his school intranet or the cbbc site.

The one difference is that my 11 yr old is in secondary school and responsible for getting himself there and home by bus or train. However, I do think that if I hadn't started leaving him alone in his own home before now, I would never have been able to trust him to get to school on his own, cope with late buses etc.

I think your friend is being ridiculous. Fair enough if she has a much younger child and can't imagine a time when she will leave her own but to denigrate someone else's parenting when she has no idea what she is talking about is unfair and un-necessary.

I'm a SW - and it is correct that there is no legal limit imposed by legislation. Guidance is that it is an offence to leave children alone where this means they are put at risk.

As sixtyfootdoll says, this means that in practice cases are judged on merit

An 11 year old being left in the way you describe would not be a problem to any reasonable person, and indeed I agree that this is a very suitable age for children to be experiencing independence in this way for shortish periods and in a safe environment

Would be more damaging to them never to let them have any independence!

I leave my son (also 11) on his own for similar time periods in similar situations.

In September he will be going to secondary school and returning home shortly before I'll get in from work. So without being on his own for short periods now, how on earth would he manage that!

Just ignore your friend and remind her of this in a few years time...

Hello, just to let you know when I was 11 we moved to Germany for a year. I went on the underground 5 stops every day to school on my own. And I didn't speak German.... soon picked it up tho! YANBU you are being very sensible and fair.

I remember that Mum and Dad used to leave us on occasion when I was 10 and my sister was 8.

This was in the days where mobiles didn't exist too..

tbh, any 'friend' making crap comments isn't really a friend..

It's so important for our DC to be raised to be able to look after themselves, be trusted to be alone in the house and to be responsible. Every DC is different though and it a parent thought their DC not ready to be left alone, then fine, but how else are our DC going to learn responsibility?

The only thing that I would worry about is unsupervised computer access, but if the pc has controls on it and the child is understanding of the boundaryies, then why on earth not.

As for playing outside on our own aged 10/11.... jeez, isn't that how WE all grew up?

Thanks everyone, I feel much better. Needed to vent really aswell. It had been turning over in my head, even though I was pretty sure she was talking cobblers.

She is not a friend, and I think last night put paid to that ever happening! I take everything she says with a big pinch of salt usually, but this just really annoyed me.