Oooofffff. Life, and all that ...

[Lucy85]

OK, So DD is nearly 2, is totally gorgeous and fabulous but has pretty much never slept through the night. DH and I both work full time & are very tired. He is out of the house 6 am - 7 pm, never sees DD during week and I do everything - washing, shopping, cleaning, nursery, oh yes - and earn half our income while I'm at it.

Last night he told me I 'treat him like shit'. He doesn't even tuck her in before he goes to bed. Is this sheer exhaustion? I'm sick of it - he's so miserable and moody. Is this normal at this stage?? Early days - yes Ok but two years later?? Other people's marriages seem ok but I'm pretty much at the end of my tether. There's so much DIY etc to do and he does absolutely F all. Do I expect too much? AIBU????

you both sound like you must be very tierd. this makes people grumpy and argumentative. is there any way you can improve your daughters sleeping, reduce you DH working hours and maybe get a cleaner? initially your situation sounded grim and i thought marriage guidance - but if you weren't tierd then you would maybe get on better?

YANBU. He's not pulling his weight.

My DD is also almost 2 (though thankfully she does sleep through the night). DH and I also both work ft which in his case often (at least once a week) means not home until 10pm. BUT we share everything 50/50 absolutely: childcare, cooking, cleaning, decorating, DIY etc etc. I would be a broken woman if it was any different!

It sounds IMO that you have been holding it all together for absolutely ages - I don't know how you've done it (given that I'm exhausted and my DH does his share). Yes he works hard at his paid job but so do you and it's not an excuse for not pulling his weight round the house.

Do you think he realises how much you do to keep the house running, food on table, clothes clean etc? Did you ever have a conversation about who would do what around the house or did all the chores just 'naturally' fall to you? (common after you've been doing those jobs all through mat leave I think)

I don't know what the answer is, and I hope you can talk to him about it, but YANBU and just want to let you know you're not alone - life's bloody knackering sometimes [virtual hug]

I also have 2yr old dd who doesn't sleep very well. Have now put her in own bedroom in a big bed rather than the cot. She loves her new room and has more room to stretch out,which helps her sleep. I still get up to her in the night, but it is better than it was. HV suggested reducing nighttime drinks, so she has no reason to wake so frequently.
Wrt your husband, I would tell him what you have told us. It does seem the lions share is falling to you. Sometimes I think we, as women, pander to mrn a bit too much, as if they need sleep and relaxation time more than us. Being on MN is slowly curing me though! Hope things settle for you soon

I think what you should do is sit down with him, over a cuppa, and tell him very calmly and not accusatively how you feel and what you expect, and that you need him.

You can say a lot of things about men, but from what I've seen, most of them, when encountered with sheer reason, will react accordingly (ok ok I'm not talking about the useless wankers here).

Tell him that you need more help, that DD needs more daddy time, that there is a lot to do in the household other than to bring in income, and that you understand he's really tired but so are you. If you start saying things like "oh, but I do everything" or "you just sleep and do nothing" or "I bring half the income but still find time" etc.- that will cause him to go into a defensive mode which of course will result in a huge row.

you're both tired, and tired people are grumpy and moody and tend to fight more...that's it

I wouldn't term it that you need more 'help'

This paints you as the little woman who is not coping!!

I agree with sitting down together when you're both calm but I think you need to talk about it as re-drawing the division of labour rather than you getting help.

I do think a child of nearly two still puts you in the very early, hard times of parenting so don't expect that all should be plain sailing. It is hard and exhausting, specially if you have a child who does not sleep well.

I think you need to be kind to eachother and try to get a culture of appreciation going between the two of you even if it's started with just remarks about him "I really appreciate how hard you work, you are brilliant" or "DD really loves you, you know. She loves it when you

Perhaps start off the discussion with you saying that you've been thinking a lot about him being upset because you 'treat him like shit' and explain that perhaps you have been irritated and snappy with him because you are feeling completely overwhelmed with everything at the moment. Suggest that you sit down and discuss the dividing up of work/family/home stuff more fairly and equally in a grown up manner and that once you both feel things are more equal then you are pretty sure your feelings of resentment will disappear!

I agree with Cirrhosis

Not to disregard the above advice, which may well get you what you want, but I think it's really unfair that he gets to say that OP "treats him like shit", but OP has to be calm and reasonable and basically pussy foot around,when her dh is th one at fault and needs a kick up the backside.I know you catch more flies with honey, but this inequality still makes me mad

Explain it in a way that he will understand, for eg I would have a conversation like this......

You know how men find woman in stockings etc very attractive

yes

Well for a woman there's nothing more attractive than a man who does his bit with the kids and round the house and that should be standard not as a favour or to help me out therefore if you do more I will find you more attractive and then will be more willing to treat you better and not be so snappy ok?

Him ok what do I need to do (because some men do actually need it spelling out)

I'd really appreciate it if you could xxxxx (insert things you want him to do, for me it's stack/ empty the dishwasher, help dd1 with homework and bath dd2) Add in dd really likes it when you xxxxx (read her a story, take her to the park, take her to see grandma)