to be baffled by my nursery's policy on meals?

[parakeet]

My 4-year-old daughter is at a small nursery which I'm generally very happy with, and she's happy there. She is, however, a fussy eater, and there are a few meals they often serve she doesn't like.

I am fairly laid-back about food, as I know she has a generally healthy diet. At home I get round her fussiness by serving food that's on her approved list, or if it's a family meal I let her pick what she wants out of it and fill up on bread and butter if necessary.

The nursery manager, however, has a policy of no pudding if they don't eat all their savoury course. (I don't know if this means all of it or perhaps just most of it.) I think this is rather an old-fashioned attitude. I accept we all have different parenting styles, but it seems inappropriate to try to stamp this kind of Victorian discipline on children who are not your own.

Lately my daughter has started making sad little comments about not having had any lunch today. She goes two days a week so I realise she's not going to starve but I think it's (a) mean and (b) a bit of a cheek, considering I have paid for these meals.

I don't expect them to serve her something different but why can't they let her have the pudding at least?

The final straw is that my daughter will be starting school in September. I want her to have the school dinners rather than packed lunches as I think it will help broaden her tastes. She has made some anxious comments along the lines of: What if they serve X? [one of the hated nursery meals] She's quite timid in some respects and this is the last thing I need when she's starting school.

So, should I discuss this with the nursery manager or am I a hopeless softie liberal?

It does seem a bit harsh espeially if you are paying for it.

I wouldn't think much of this at all. My picky ds won't eat the pudding either, but I expect them to offer it.

I would discuss with nursery manager

It sounds somewhat draconian, and not exactly a child-centred approach

FWIW my dcs nursery provide bread or toast, cheese and fruit alongside every meal so if the children don't like something that they are serving they don't go hungry.

And school dinners actually generally offer a choice of various main courses, veg/salad etc, so don't let her angst about that.

Will she be able to eat her pudding when she goes to school, if she doesnt eat her lunch?

DD's nursery are the opposite, I think they always offer pudding so at least they know the children are getting something. We are often told DD 'wasn't interested in her lunch but ate all her pudding'

I would definitely talk to the manager, they should be going along with your wishes as far as is practical. I think offering bread or fruit etc alongside meals sounds like a great idea, would have thought that would be quite easy to do.

They make them eat EVERYthing before their pudding? Sounds a bit harsh if true.
I would be encouraging her to make an effort, either a few mouthfuls or a taste of everything on the plate. At school I would be very surprised if they let her just eat her pudding. Normal practice is a 'good effort' before going onto the pudding. It would be good practice for her to start now.

I would also try to find out more about this. If it is as described, that sounds a bit draconian; otoh, your approach of only serving something from the approved list also sounds a bit OTT- how does she then ever get to change her mind over anything? If I had stuck to only the approved list, my teen would still be eating only 2 or 3 things, instead of enjoying virtually any kind of food.

But why is pudding a "reward"? To me it's just a normal part of the meal. And by the way, pudding is usually fruit, yoghurt, or a home-made fruit smoothie, or perhaps a hot cross bun if I think she hasn't had much carbs.

I used "approved list" rather tongue in cheek. Yes, I have a list in my head of things I know she likes. If it's a family meal I try to make it something she likes, but not always, in which case I bring out the bread and better. What is that "telling" ?

I would genuinely like to know what standard practice is at schools about this sort of thing. I'm amazed if they have the manpower to police all those children's eating efforts.

I'd say it's quite unusual these days for a nursery to refuse to let children have pudding if they don't have their main course - maybe just ask the manager if she'll make an exception for your daughter.

However, at my nursery there are a couple of children who refuse to try anything, and just hold out for pudding every meal!

Always amazes me the seething resentment there is towards parents of difficult eaters.

I also have a 4 YO fussy eater and I would be very happy with the nursery's approach. Personally I think that having an "approved list" and letting her fill up on bread and butter is just storing up trouble for the future.

If my son doesn't want to eat either the family meal or his nursery lunch (its really school dinners his nursery is in the primary school he'll attend) he doesn't. But then there is no more food until the next meal.

However if they have to eat ALL their main course to get the pudding thats a bit draconian perhaps but I suspect that as long as they eat a reasonable amount they'll be allowed it.

If you are happy to encourage the fussy eating why not just send her a packed lunch into nursery?

And why do you think she'll eat the school dinners? She's not going to broaden her tastes if she knows she can come home from school and have bread and butter when she is starving at 3.30pm.... She's not broadening her tastes with the nursery meals, which are probably nicer than school dinners in anycase.

There is always the subtext - it is YOUR fault your child doesn't eat much, YOU are doing it wrong, isn't there JeremyVile? I get very defensive when reading these threads.

I feed my ds stuff he will eat, with stuff he won't eat put on the plate too. I am not going to force feed him. In the last year he has not eaten any of the other stuff but I will keep offering. I suppose that means I have an approved list too as I am not going to serve up a meal with absolutely nothing in it he will eat.

I would not like pudding to be considered a reward for eating dinner either. I would speak to the nursery.

If you're expecting her to 'broaden her tastes' at school, why don't you expect it at nursery? If nursery are expecting her to eat the whole meal before pudding then YANBU though. DD's nursery say they have to at least try one mouthful of everything on their plate, if they then don't like it then they don't have to eat it but they have to at least try.

Are they not allowed to take a packed lunch?

Mmm, well if you read my original post, I didn't say I ONLY served from the approved list, I said I EITHER served from the "list" OR if a family meal that includes things she doesn't like, I allow her to eat what she does like, and leave the rest. And if still hungry at the end, then yes, bread and butter.

Someone asked why am I posting. It wasn't to seek approval of my home (fairly liberal, I admit) meal strategy. It was to ask, is this sort of policy common at nurseries. It would seem it is not.

I know a few other parents who have a strict approach at mealtimes, and we went on holiday with one such family once. Christ, what a battleground mealtimes were. All I know is, with my approach, she eats a reasonably healthy diet overall and mealtimes are enjoyable, pleasant occasions.

Hey, I am not here to judge! I do think nursery a being a bit draconian to refuse pudding, definately have a word as I cant imagine they leave a 4 year old to eat nothing. seems a bit harsh poor little thing

Does seem a bit harsh, to me. I usually only insist that my kids at least try something on their plate. Do the nursery do snacks at all? Maybe they could "refuse" your dd pudding, but allow her fruit or something?

I think if you speak to them, they might be more understanding. I spoke to my nursery after their zealous "lets all try different fruits" had my poor dd in tears, as she has some weird aversion to fruit, and panics if she thinks she has to eat any! I explained she eats veg and dried fruit, so we aren't forcing the fruit issue, and they said they could see how upset she was about it and were fine with that. I wouldn't go blazing in insisting she get pudding, but maybe she could have a different healthy snack instead?

If it concerns you, then there's no harm in speaking to the manager is there?!

My dd had school dinners for a while to broaden her tastes, but it mostly failed, and whereas she is now capable of eating food without ketchup, I got fed up of paying £1.87 a day for her to eat veg and bread and butter, and sometimes pudding. She was never not allowed pudding though, she just didn't like those either.

my council has the school menu's on their website so you can tell in advance if you think she will eat the type of thing they serve. If she is worried about it then maybe show her those? At my dd's school, we can pay daily, so you might be able to give her packed lunch on days when she really hates whats on the menu.

According to ofsted, food must not be used as a reward or punishment.

You do not have to "be good" to eat.

The nursery are 100% wrong. They must change. Either on their own, or with the help of ofsted.