AIBU to stop contact? WWYD? Advice appreciated!

[Advicerequiredpls]

Background - My dd is 5. ExH and I split up when she was under 1. I have been with new husband for 4 years and we have a 2month old dd. dd looks on my dh as her step daddy and loves him to bits however she still, obviously loves her daddy and wants to see him.

ExH moved 200 miles away about 2.5 years ago. Before that dd used to spend one day and night every weekend with him.

ExH has been a bit of an idiot since we split. He would take dd out but wouldn't feed properly, didn't tax/insure/mot car, didn't change bum etc. There was much swearing and shouting by him at me in front of dd at drop off / pick up. I said if these things didn't change he couldn't have access. He went to a solicitor and eventually we agreed (if the contentious issues were changed eg taxing the car etc)that he could see dd every other weekend (this is what he requested time wise). Once it had been agreed he said he couldn't afford to come and see her that often. He has seen her circa every 6 weeks for about 5 hours for the last year odd.

He lost his job a year ago. It was a well paid job. He now pays no maintenance at all and hasn't for that year. He seems to have made little effort to find a new job, not even temporary agency work. A year to be without any job at all seems a little farcical to me. He also does not offer to have dd in holidays at all even though I am working (until maternity leave obv) and he isn't.

Anyway - last time he saw dd she came home v upset saying she wanted to see him more often. So my questions are...

AIBU to think that if he can't commit to seeing dd more often than once every 6 weeks he should just stop totally?

AIBU to think he should have found a job (any job) in a year?

AIBU to expect him to have given me something towards maintenance over the last year out of his benefits? He lives at home, pays no rent/food/gas/etc but smokes and spends all his time in the pub (from mutual friends and photoson fb)

WWYD in this situation? I want dd to have a relationship with her father but it seems to be upsetting her that he only sees her so infrequently, is it better that she doesn't see him at all? Would that be better in the long term or more upsetting for her?

Pls help, I'm looking for any advice as to what you'd do / have done in this or a similar situation... thanks

don't stop acess if he's now doing the things you stipulated i.e. she is safe, clean and fed with him. He is her father and stopping acess will just make you the bad guy.

Can she speak to him on the phone/ skype?

his employment status and maintaince are a seperate issue. What does he do? Are there jobs available?

It sounds as if you have many legitimate reasons to be angry with your EH. However the bottom line is that your DD wants to see him. Assuming that the safety issues are sorted (car MOT-ed etc), you should let her.

You ask "AIBU to think that if he can't commit to seeing dd more often than once every 6 weeks he should just stop totally?"

I'd say yes YABVU! My father was away for months at a time when we were kids - lots of Services fathers are. We didn't stop loving him. Your EH sounds like a bit of a t*er, but he's her dad and she loves him.

Hi, in kind of a similar situation. My ex is also a 'bit of an idiot'. CSA have just awarded me £5 a week maintenance (doesn't even buy school dinners) from his benefits because he wasn't paying anything and I agree that if he was a decent father he would just get any job in order to provide for his child

I also wish the ex would just go away and leave my husband to do the parenting as he has always done a better job anyway (my daughter calls him "the daddy that does everything for me", bless)

However, having said all that, I believe the only way is to be as civil as possible and let her see that you are doing your best to maintain a relationship and let her make her own mind up (I know how hard this is). That way, she will see him for what he is herself without resenting you

Jeez.

You could have written my own story.

My ex isn't neglectful in the way yours is but he was completely anti our son until I finally left the marriage (he was 2 1/2 then). He wouldn't have anything to do with him but at least I know that if he has him he'd be safe...

I'm now very happily married to a lovely, loving man who DS thinks of as his father (calls him Daddy) although he sees ex every 2 weeks. Ex doesn't bother phoning him during the week - maybe he'll call him once in the 2 week period.

DS is ok to go to him, not bothered either way. Because I forced ex to have a relationship with him at the beginning for DS's sake, he still does, but I do regret it in a way as life would be so much easier without him.

However, I have also seen how my mum has reacted to being rejected by her father, albeit later at age 14, despite her having a wonderful and loving step father. Therefore I grit my teeth and carry on.

I can only say good luck. Don't do anything rash and do it with legal advice. If your DD wants to see your ex, then I think that if you stop her, you'll just be blamed for that even though clearly it may be best for her in other ways.

Kids are resilient to certain types of neglect but I would certainly insist on minimum safety standards.

Oh and the maintenance/lying about work etc? Oh yes. OOOH yes. Bastards.

35 a week is standard for someone on jsa....call csa for this....its what i get for 4 dc,shared between them!!

your dd is school age...so would make sense for her to go in longer blocks of time,during all the hols....half term,easter etc..

who does the travel?

Thank you for all your replies, its nice to know i'm not alone although not nice for you obviously!

The safety concerns are all now mainly addressed, he doesn't look after her how i would but i think i have to just give a little on that. My DH does all the drop offs / pick ups now and all the communication with exh so that has eliminated him swearing at me etc in front of dd.

I just hate seeing dd upset every 6 weeks, when she doesn't see him she doesn't seem bothered but every time she sees him again she gets upset which is why i thought if he couldn't do fortnightly he shouldn't do it at all. As you say though I don't want her to feel rejected by him and i certainly don't want to be the bad guy!

Another thing that drives me crazy is when he does see her he takes her somewhere wildly expensive -sea life centres etc buys her about 3 soft toys, games, sweets etc and she thinks he is wonderful. I'm sat there thinking she doesnt need another cuddly toy she needs a new school top, or food or socks.... argh. i'm a bit bitter

sorry that should read £5 a week!!!

LOL advice. I had that discussion this morning.

DS, "Can I have a sweet?"
Me, "Sure, on Friday. That's sweetie day".
DS, "But Daddy lets me have sweeties ANY day".

We work on the basis that he can get given stuff from the ex, but we give him fabulous experiences. Not expensive stuff, just lots of fun stuff like a bike ride and a picnic, or going camping.

he's a solicitor. probably not too many jobs in his line of work at moment although there are some, but to put food on the table i think he should do any job.

he says he can't because when they see his cv they realise he won't stay at that job long term as he is over qualified, however although i think thats probably true its not true of say a packing job in a factory through an agency or somesuch. I think he sees it as beneath him.

threeblondeboys - He does the travel. I think he should because it was his choice to move 200 miles away and also as we do everything with/for dd (and have had to rearrange our jobs to enable school drop off / pick up etc, obviously wouldn't change having dd 24/7 we love her more than anything) i think its the least he can do.

So take some stuff off your CV... (obv I mean HE should)

Mine has the same excuse.

I don't think no contact at all with her dad is better than 6 weekly. I think your daughter is developing and growing up thus the way that she experiences and views contact is changing - she's that much older so has more capacity to miss him and find the transition between you a challenge. That doesn't mean she'd be better off with no contact at all, in my view. I think you just have to keep monitoring how she is. Let your ex know how she is at present on her return so that he is in the loop and so that he has known from now, in case things do get worse and she gets more upset, and you do in the end want to re negotiate the contact.

Seems odd that he has no job but still can't see her more often though.......