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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Probably am.

29 replies

devoted · 09/03/2010 21:06

Have been on MN for quite a while (but namechanged for this post as it will have some personal info), so know that posting in AIBU I will get the straight truth from the ladies of MN. Will not get defensive or run away, just need to hear honest perspectives from others who have been there. Apols if a little long.

Left a very lucrative career to become a SAHM. Never regretted my decision, love every moment. Live in a very, very rural area, so only see people when we make a point to travel (ie. I take DS to the nearest town fairly regularly to an early education centre to play with other LO's, etc.) But generally spend most of my time with DS on our farm, and when DH is home we want to spend as much time together as possible. Very happy this way. My "outside contact" has been online with friends from RL for the most part, but....

No longer feel I have much in common with my old friends (anticipated, but still somehow a little disappointed). Haven't made any new mum friends (hard when you rarely see people)....well, thought I had made a couple but turned out they were only interested in my contacts...

How on earth do you find a person that you want to be friends with at this point in life, even if it's only going to be online for the most part? DS is not school age yet, so not sure how else to accomplish this or if it's me BU to think it can even happen? I really miss having good friends to talk (write) with, and though some of the friends from the former life certainly do try, we just have very different lives now...

SO, AIBU to want to find a couple of good mum-friends when most of our chats would be online....and if it's not BU, then how on earth do you do that?

OP posts:
northernmonkey · 09/03/2010 21:11

Yanbu at all. Do you have a local playgroup you could attend? maybe there are some mums in a similar situation as you who would like to meet friends

gothicmama · 09/03/2010 21:14

no not bu un realistic maybe go to toddler groups and see what happens give it time to for friendships I am probably worst person in world to give advice on this as I have never believed I have made friends - although when I think about it I have they are just a differnt type of friendships to those pre children

ReneRusso · 09/03/2010 21:17

My immediate reaction to this, is that online chats are no substitute for real friends. Wouldn't you like to find some friends in the nearby area, that you actually see and spend time with? Are there any activities, playgroups, drop-ins? That would be a good start.

Original poster
devoted · 09/03/2010 21:20

Nothing like that at all around here unfortunately, northernlurker. Very rural area. Don't really know what else to try, or if it's even fair to try to start up a friendship with someone when it will likely only be email...let alone how.

Finding it all very strange, have never had to try to find a good friend before.

OP posts:
northernmonkey · 09/03/2010 21:21

Have you looked at your mumsnet local. Are there any meetups
If not suggest one

Original poster
devoted · 09/03/2010 21:24

Rene - if that were an option I'd probably prefer it, but since it isn't (both geographically and population wise where I am), I try not to get bothered about it. Though I do travel (over an hour each way) to take DS to certain group things - in terms of local to us, my only "neighbor" (still miles away) is an 85 year old man.

OP posts:
Original poster
devoted · 09/03/2010 21:25

Sorry, I should have mentioned, I am not in UK. Wish I was, would LOVE a MN meetup I'm sure!

OP posts:
northernmonkey · 09/03/2010 21:28

If it helps you then it would be very fair to start up a friendship over email. Thousands of people have friends like this who may never meet

Original poster
devoted · 09/03/2010 21:33

Northernmonkey - but how do you do that? I guess that's what I need to do, but how on earth do you accomplish such a thing? I didn't really know it was common, thought maybe it would BU to suggest to someone...?

OP posts:
Mumcentreplus · 09/03/2010 21:33

YANBU..you can find some good supportive friends online...

northernmonkey · 09/03/2010 21:43

Maybe your answer is here. Start up a thread in chat and get to know some people here. Once you've chatted for a while then if you feel confident enough to then ask them for their email/msn/fb that sort of thing.

You said your a regular so if you post in a few days under your normal name and take it from there, you never know
HTH

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/03/2010 21:47

I do know where you are coming from. I socialise ok, and have plenty of associates, just no "kindred spirit"- the kind of friend you could call at 2am and she would come over without hesitation

The closest I have is my best friend from uni, whom I love dearly, but who lives in another country now. We do stay close by e-mail, but I do occasionally miss having a best buddy to hand

Original poster
devoted · 09/03/2010 21:48

Might just try that NM, thanks for the idea. It is such a strange thing, trying to "make friends"...

OP posts:
Vallhala · 09/03/2010 21:54

What Northernlurker said, or maybe how about joining a forum which covers a hobby/political cause/charity/whatever's your poison and close to your heart and getting to know people through that?

I've found that the friendships made through my personal interests/political activities/charity work to be far more rewarding than the company of mums at the school gate tbh.

HTH.

Original poster
devoted · 09/03/2010 21:57

Jooly - exactly - no "kindred spirit".... I would be fine with an emailing kindred spirit - just someone I could really talk to and listen to about real things instead of the superficial stuff...

Vallhala, thanks, also a great idea!

OP posts:
ReneRusso · 09/03/2010 21:59

Sorry devoted, that sounds tough on you.

chefswife · 09/03/2010 22:35

Hey devoted
Not to hijack your post, but I am in the exact same situation. DH and I were in London, living the extremely social life, me an artist and he a chef. Our LO was planned and we moved back home after we were pregnant. We moved into my uncle's suite in suburbia which is really just another metaphor, on so many levels, for hell. DH works long hours 5-6 days a week. I love being a SAHM, (I can do some work in my uncle's garage on DH's days off, but that is wearing thin due to the fact that I am a sculptor), but the isolation, spiritually and intellectually, is killing me. I have to pull teeth to see my girlfriends. I started going to a new mom's playgroup and have met some lovely women, but there isn't that spark and the talk is usually pretty surface stuff; hows the LO's, whose pregnant again, what 'thing' do we do next with LO's and funny stories about DH's being fathers. We do get together for dinner once a month but its low key too. But I don't have anyone to talk shop and its painful and tumourous. Well, I'm putting it out there to you, , want to be penpals... (That's not a crazy girl lol but a very sincere one.)

RedbinDippers · 09/03/2010 22:43

Internet forums are entertaining but no substitute for RL. You need to make time to get out and socialise, join a club, go to the pub etc. Good luck, friendship is important.

MudandRoses · 09/03/2010 22:58

Does sound like you need to make some time to make friends on your own terms - do an evening class in the local town, or join a club...

It will get easier when your DS starts school - and when he starts making friends of his own - You will make friends with other parents that way.

There's a book club thread on MN, worth joining one of the clubs ( you send the books to each other and compare notes,I think)

Shodan · 09/03/2010 23:21

Just had a quick Google- there seem to be quite a lot of online penpal sites- would that be something you fancy trying?

Given your situation, it might do until your dc starts school?

Original poster
devoted · 10/03/2010 00:16

Chefswife - sounds great! Let me know how to contact you...

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/03/2010 00:19

Which country are you in, devoted?

Original poster
devoted · 10/03/2010 00:19

Thank you all so much for the fab ideas (that I hadn't even thought of but thought I was out of reasonable ideas!), and for letting me know that there are others in similar situations. Perspective is a valuable thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
devoted · 10/03/2010 00:39

Tortoise, I'm in Canada.

OP posts:
chefswife · 10/03/2010 21:42

So am I! Vancouver Island. You?