AIBU about feeling hurt about this

[HarlotOTara]

background - my DSS and his wife had a baby a few months ago. They live abroad and we couldn't afford to visit when the baby was born. However baby and mum were coming next week for a visit and we had arranged for them to come so we can see baby for the first time. I have just emailed asking if there is anything she would like for the baby etc. so that I can get some presents (have already sent stuff abroad). Told my DH who has said they are already here and have come earlier than orginally stated (he found out today). So AIBU to feel a little hurt that we weren't told? Mum and baby are staying with her mum not very far away.

Totally understand that she wants to be with her mother and I am not in posessive MIL mode as I still have dependant children of my own so have no desire to take over, offer advice etc. But my DC and myself have been looking forward to seeing them and it feels as if we are not that important - maybe we aren't but my DC will be aunts and if we had known we could have arranged to see them more than once. It is difficult enough having a relationship with someone living on the other side of the world.

no yanbu, I think it's quite rude. I can't believe they didn't tell you tbh.
Unless they have some reason to believe you'd be rushing round and overwhelming them and taking over, which, from your post, it really doesn't sound like they do!!

I mean, I can see that it doesn't alter the plans for coming and seeing you. But it's the fact that they'd hidden it from you that's the issue isn't it? weird

Maybe she feels a bit awkward without your DSS there plus she had already arranged to see you so didn't really feel the need to let you know, especially if she was spending all the extra time with her own mum.

It doesn't sound like it was necessarily 'hidden' to me, just not crucial for you to know if she wasn't going to be seeing you in that time anyway. Is there another MIL to visit too?

YANBU to feel hurt if that's how you feel, but I wouldn't let those feelings be known.

Thanks for that as I am not sure if I am overreacting. I can promise you I have no need to be overwhelming anyone as I have enough in my own life to be overwhelmed by! I also have no desire to be a pushy MIL as I am only a SMIL with my own children.

Just need to get over it before I seem them I suppose.

corriefan - she is a very confident person and wouldn't be awkward with us. I suppose we aren't that important. DSS lived with us by the way before living abroad.

YABU. They have come a few days earlier, not left a few days earlier without seeing you so I don't see why you needed to know if you already have a date in mind to meet.

I can understand why you feel a bit hurt/put out/unimportant. I think it's rude myself. She might be your SDIL, which I don't for a minute think gives her the right to 'second best you', but if in anyway that's an excuse it doesn't fly as she's still your H's DIL. (IF that makes sense!!).

She's come from the other side of the world with your new SGrandchild/Niece/Nephew and hasn't told you that she's coming earlier - I find it hard to see why anyone thinks this isn't rude really.... but there you go, the world is full of people with different opinions!

We have SIL/DIL issues in our family and my SIL would do the same! (no cloudy step issues either!!).

So your DH knew they had come earlier but didn't tell you?

My Dh found out today when talking to his DS about something else - in fact doing DS a favour and told me when I got home from work and after I sent an email as mentioned above. Dh isn't an issue.

I may address it when we meet - in a diplomatic way. The joy of families