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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to go on holiday with my mother?

23 replies

MrsJohnDeere · 09/03/2010 13:44

I'll try to avoid an AIBU by stealth, so this might be long....

My mother is 70 this year. She thinks that her birthday is a huge deal (she's hopeless at doing things for anyone else's birthday, but that's a subject for another thread). Dh, for reasons I can't quite fathom, has decided that we should rent a cottage somewhere for a week around the time of her birthday and all go on holiday together (i.e, me, dh, 2 dcs, my parents, and possibly my brother too). We would pay for it. I can think of few things worse.

I loathe my mother (as does dh), and was emotionally abused by her as a child. I had to have counselling as an adult to try and recover from the effects of her abuse. Dh knows this (my mother doesn't). I love my father dearly, but he is very much in her shadow and only comes out of his shell and relaxes when she is out of the room. I would have severed all ties years ago if it weren't for my father. She is a very self-centred person, completely lacking in empathy for others, very opinionated (and loud), and very hard work to be around.

We see her once in blue moon for a couple of days and by the end I am tearing my hair out.

Dh thinks the holiday would be a sort of box-ticking exercise, as if we only have to do one good deed and that's them off our backs for ever. He also likes the idea of babysitting, I guess.

He has already had a holiday this year (another AIBU thread ), going for 2 carefree weeks to South Africa for a wedding. He also gets to travel a lot for work, and often tacks a day or two of sight-seeing onto the end. This will be my only holiday.

Aside from the fact that I don't even like my mother, we would all drive each other mad in a confined space. We are up at 5/6am with ds2 and in bed by 10pm. My parents like to stay up until 2/3am, being noisy, watching tv at full volume, then lie in until lunchtime (they won't compromise on this).

I think a better solution would be to pay for them to stay somewhere as our gift, or go and visit them for a weekend (live 3/4 hours away), or anythinbg really.

So, if you've got to the end of this epic and haven't fallen asleep, AIBU?

OP posts:
sowhatis · 09/03/2010 13:47

id pay for them to go away if you can, or at most do a weekend away with them, but do not go away for a week, sounds like it would be hellish.

xxxx

nannynobnobs · 09/03/2010 13:47

No no no no. Matricide is not on your to do list. Don't even contemplate it. Mother or not, why would you plan and pay to go on holiday with somebody you really dislike??

alicet · 09/03/2010 13:48

YANBU and I think to do as your dh suggests wouldbe madness and you would end up having an awful time. I was going to suggest a weekend away staying in a hotel so you can have your own space (we did this for mil's 70th and had a suite so boys had a room as did we). your idea of paying for them to do something themselves is another good one

Why not show your dh what you have written hear as you make a very good case for this being lunacy!

Good luck x

alicet · 09/03/2010 13:49

written here even

Soapsy · 09/03/2010 13:52

Perfectly reasonable. My relationship with my father is about on a par with yours with your mother. I have also had counselling to come to terms with it, and avoid him as much as possible. I can't think of anything worse than being stuck somewhere with him on holiday. I'm much closer to my mother, but still wouldn't want to go on holiday with her anyway.

I also wouldn't want someone of your description of your mother babysitting my children anyway, so see no advantage to that.

Paying for them to go away sounds like a far better option.

passionberry · 09/03/2010 13:54

YANBU - A week is far too long.

easyoptionwoman · 09/03/2010 14:02

YANBU. Sounds like madness. I'd rather chop my arm off than go on holiday with my mother ever again.

If you can afford it send them away for a weekend - you'll look generous without losing your sanity.

gingertoo · 09/03/2010 14:04

YANBU Wouldn't even consider it if I was you. Reading your op made me feel stressed about it for you!

fallon8 · 09/03/2010 14:09

It cuts both way,,being stuck with a daughter who hates me, her kids and husband,plus it could rain all week,waste of everyone's time and money. You can choose your friends but not your family

Aviendha · 10/03/2010 14:17

I bet she would love a bunch of flowers and a cheesecake with 70 on it in raspberry puree. Lots of boxes ticked and no damage done

moondog · 10/03/2010 14:19

Just tell him no why don't you?

Lunch out somewhere really nice-invite other family, do cake and balloons and flowers and fizz.
Job done.

Malificence · 10/03/2010 14:21

Is your DH completely mad?

God it sounds like a truly awful prospect!
Tell him you demand a proper holiday, Guantanamo Bay would be preferable by the sound of it.

I'd rather poke my eyes out with a rusty nail than share holiday accomodation with family, or anyone else for that matter.

bibbitybobbityhat · 10/03/2010 14:21

Yanbu.

Despite my protests we had a family holiday with dh's parents, brother and sil and their two dcs. We all get on ok generally, no big personality clashes.

BUT

the holiday was awful, everyone hated it, even dh's parents. It gave me immense pleasure to say "I told you so" to dh when we got home - and we will never do anything similar again.

Katisha · 10/03/2010 14:24

What on earth is DH thinking? Has he got his head firmly in the sand?

Just say no.

Pay for your parents to go somewhere by themselves. Then you have made the required grand gesture but without having to suffer what sounds like hideous stress.

swanandduck · 10/03/2010 14:27

YANBU. When I started reading your post I was thinking 'oh, how nice of dh. What is she complaining about' But then I read on!!

Just say 'no'.As she's your mum it's really your decision. Take your parents out for a nice meal and buy her a bit of jewellery or something.

alarkaspree · 10/03/2010 14:29

Your dh is mad. Not only will you all have a terrible time this year, but his notion that you just have to do one good deed to get your parents off your backs forever is deeply flawed. More likely you will set a precedent and you will be expected to do it again every year.

alarkaspree · 10/03/2010 14:30

And if you loathe your mother then I fail to see why you should pay for them to go on holiday alone either. A few yards of knicker elastic will do her nicely.

OneFatArse · 10/03/2010 17:27

No no no. I love my mum and my mil but wouldn't go away with either.

MorrisZapp · 10/03/2010 18:06

Yup, there's no such thing as one good deed. It would just set a precedent, and you would have to explain why you didn't want to do it again in future.

Say no - your DH sounds unhinged btw.

MadamDeathstare · 10/03/2010 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zazen · 11/03/2010 11:25

We once went on holiday with my Dh's oldest friend, his wife whom I really get on with and their two lovely DCs.

I think that the fact we were still talking to each other (albeit through clenched teeth) at the end of the week indicated the holiday was a success!

Definitions of holiday:

  1. [n] - a day on which work is suspended by law or custom

would that apply if you you had to work to get along?

I think your Dh needs a boot up the nethers - he seems to have had a lot of me time away from RL / family life, and you may need to put your needs across more forcibily.

Please don't go away on holiday with someone who has abused you MrsJohnDeere, you deserve better than that.

Buy her some flowers (a wreath?!) if you have to get her something - why bother seeing her at all: she abused you.

Keep your children away from her -is your DH grooming your kids for her? Is he afraid of her and trying to get into her good books??!!

Hope you have a lovely family holiday with the people whmo you love, and who love you!

sunnydelight · 11/03/2010 11:30

Pay for a posh night away as a birthday present, then get your DH to look after your kids for a weekend while you go for a nice girls weekend with your mates (you're owed one!).

If your DH insists on a family holiday send him and the kids with your parents while you go for a nice girls weekend with your mates!

diddl · 11/03/2010 11:37

I loved my Mum & we got on well.

But once I was an adult & away from home I never holidayed with my parents & never wanted to.

I´ve never understood adults going on holiday with parents.

Maybe a couple of days somewhere that you all want to visit or for a special occasion.

So YANBU-even without all the reasons stated!

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