to keep son grounded?

[gonnabehappy]

My son is nearly 16 and currently doing his GCSEs. He is a bright lad and was heading towards a clear round of A*.

Life has gone downhill rapidly over the last few months and last week I found texts and proved he was using weed. He is also smoking, pinching money from me and stealing my prescription drugs (anti depressants and beta blockers). The evening of the row he swore and pushed me around, and had a physical fight with his dad when his dad stopped him pushing me around. Anyway, to cut a long story short he is grounded, for two months but can be 'released' after a month if he demonstrates a certain amount of respect. He is also being stopped one months allowance.

Since this he has understandably shut himself off more and more from us. He no longer comes downstairs unless it is to grab food (sometimes he will eat meals with us as well). He is very very depressed - perhaps withdrawal; I don't think so I don't think he had a long enough, heavy enough habit.

This morning he pointed out that he had no incentive to clear his room (it stinks!) as he was not allowed out anyway. He also told me that I was making things worse and he did not think excluding him from his friends was likely to produce the kind of behaviour we are seeking. He left for school very tearful and angry.

So now what?

Poor you, you must be feeling pretty low after all this.

There are two issues, the drug use and the physical abuse of you. Was the pushing you around a one off or has he got physical before? You are absolutely right to make it clear that he can't behave like that.

Do you think he's stopped using drugs? If so that's a huge improvement. Lots of kids experiment and it is worrying but for most it doesn't last.

Is there a compromise that you can reach, that allows him to spend time with his friends, who are clearly important to him (assuming they are not part of the problem)but which doesn't undermine the fact that he is being punished for his behaviour?

Maybe if he cleans up his room he can have them over for DVD and pizza or something. It might just open up the communication between you again?

Best of luck with it, it will get better!

Thanks good plan and fits with previous 'groundings' where we have continued to permit friends round etc. First time things got physical but has been bullying before. Mixture of temper, frustration and downright arrogance!

I am obviously very worried but am feeling quite robust! Would really value alternative points of view to think over even if I end up ignoring them!

I suppose I am wondering if I am over reacting?

Hmm it's a tricky one, I was in the same boat when I was a teenager (head girl at school, brilliant predicted grades), when I got into smoking weed. My parents went ballistic and tried every punishment under the sun to get me to stop, but all it did was make me hate them, and more determined to carry on. At the end of the day, you can't stop him because at the end of the 2 months he will be hanging out with the same people who I am sure are all smoking weed too (as a lot of teenagers do), and he will just do it again. I know this isn't what you want to hear and you must feel desperate, but those are the facts.

My advice would be (from watching how other people have turned out and what their parents were like with them), is don't lay down the law too heavy with him. Make it clear that you know you can't stop him from doing it as he is nearly an adult, if he wants to mess his life up by doing it he can carry on, but you will be very sad and disapointed in him. I know this approach will be defying your insticts but once you take away the rebellion aspect and he has nothing to kick back against, he will probably grow bored of it a lot quicker. Soon he will be at college or whatever he decides to do and you will have a lot less control over him, and believe me the constantly going mental approach will not stop him and will just drive a wedge between you. He either will get bored of it or he won't, the fact is that the only way he will stop is if the penny drops in his own mind that it's not a good idea anymore, I know this is a hard thing to accept. Good luck.

Jen good post. I got thrown out if sixth firm for similar! Think that is partly why I think we are being too hard. However, on the other hand my brother has lost a great deal as a result of coke so I have seen the seedier side too.

I think one problem is the old it feels like he will 'win' again!

Mind you it is not so long ago I told him that when people argue they often have two choices; be right or be happy.

I have got in a muddle here!

Yep I am no stranger to the seedier side myself, I moved on to heavier drugs and lost a good 5 years of my life in a complete haze, I dropped out of further education so never actually got my A levels. BUT, the good news is, despite my life not turning out anything like my parents or teachers expected, I am now in my late twenties and run a successful business, have a lovely dd and another on the way and I have a great relationship with both of my parents. Just because things seem to be going tits up for him now doesn't mean it will be like that forever, the best thing you can do is let him go and make his mistakes, you can't stop him so it's your only choice really. I have often thought what I would do if one of my kids were doing drugs, and I would definitely take the approach I mentioned above. From what I have observed that is the best way to minimise the waywardness, my parents definitely went about things the wrong way and while I can't blame them for what I did, they were definitely a factor in the way they handled it.

yes agree with Jen, you on a losing streak if your aim is to 'win. your son is at an age where he and you need to start negotiating the handover of his life, and responsibility for it, to him. that makes it sound easy! but you WILL have to let him take responsibility for himself sometime very soon and his actions and you WILL have to watch him make mistakes and fail as this is the only way anybody learns. my very naive suggestion, as the parent of zero teenagers at the moment, is to ask him to identify something that really matters to him that you can support him in working towards (ie something that doesn't involve getting stoned/fitting in with his friends), as exams are clearly on their own not motivating him to leave his bedroom. having his own passion for something will be what motivates him to behave positively - it's something for himself so he can't rebel against it! this is a rather large-scale version of that idea, but there was quite an inspiring piece int grauniad, i think, last year, about a dad who agreed a year of experiences for his son (who was a bit younger, 13 i think) to acknowledge he was growing up. the son picked the things he really wanted to do with his dad, some of them quite challenging/responsible and they agreed his behaviour that would enable him to get them. but you know it could just be a hobby!

also wanted to mention, a teenager who on paper is a mum's worst nightmare is one of my heroes! she dropped out of school, left home to live in a series of squats/a van, smokes, drinks and is deeply involved in eco-warrior work, getting herself arrested no end of times, now has a criminal record. if she were my daughter i probably would have flipped a million times by now but she is AMAZING - stands up for what she believes in, is a true leader, is canny enough to work with respected organisations who support/protect her legally - she has my total respect. Having poo-pooed education she's now realised through the work she was doing that she needs qualifications so is going back to college.

Oma I really like that idea. I think I want him to explain why he took prescription drugs from my bathroom but offering a chance to be happier sounds exactly what I want. He has a fab mentor at school and is seeing him this afternoon so that might help.

Think we have been too hard. However I still think there needs to be consequences. I just need to avoid being as childish as he is!

Keep going with coments. I expected stronger words than this posting here and I really do want to think it all through before I talk to his dad. One problem is that I thnk he has lost a lot of respect for us following some marital issues. I would like to earn sme back and huge punishments and rebellion won't do it.

well i think what you're trying to show him with the punishment is how seriously you consider his behaviour. that's not bad per se, but as you say, prolonging it won't add to the impact.

the marital issues prob don't help. i think at this age kids hate anything about their parents not being 'right' or 'safe' - they are really hypersensitive altho almost adult - and it really affects them. remember teens have such a black and white view of morality (not necessarily helpfully), it can make them feel very confused about where they stand if they feel one or both parents are stepping outside the 'agreed' parameters. perhaps you should address how he feels about what's been going on or at least acknowledge that things haven't been great.

isn't there an idea about creating a family agreement where you all agree standards of behaviour (so he can request them of you too - obviously you all need to agree they are reasonable!)? i'm sure he (and you!) would break the rules nonetheless, but sometimes it helps to have a mutually agreed set of them rather than it just all being you telling him what's allowed or not.

not to get too twee but perhaps it's worth recalling how you dealt with him as a toddler (my personal belief is that the two stages of life are v similar!) and remembering how you coped with limit-testing, tantrums and coping with disappointments back then.

does he know you know he took your drugs and is smoking? sometimes just making it clear you are aware can be enough to stall the behaviour for a while. if he was nicking biscuits, i'd say don't sweat the small stuff, but that's quite major.

also the physical attacking is not good and he needs to agree this is unacceptable.

You could point out to him that being grounded is quite mild compared to what might of happened if you had called the police.

He does know I know he took my prescription stuff and refuses to discuss it. It is not a one off.

I totally agree about the similarity to a toddler! Trouble is as they get older when you want to point out that something is not acceptable it is very hard to find options.

yes gets much harder when they can talk back i'm sure! i do hope you're going to be around in 12 years when DD is going through all this, to advise me...

sorry to hear about the prescription stuff being ongoing. i guess that rules out that particular piece of advice. is getting a lockable safe an option??! or even relocate it somewhere weird like the car? or somewhere he never goes, like the WASHING MACHINE sorry, not helpful, no idea how one deals with that.

Hee hee at washing machine idea! Think I just need to talk, or better still listen. I just wish I felt he could talk to me. I find it hard to be a friend as well as a parent, I also have been very emotional over last year and I know he does not want to upset me. Oh well, will let you know what happens tonight. Thanks everyone

...and remember: a sentence from a teenage boy is the equivalent of a dissertation from a 30-something woman...

That made me laugh even more, are you spying on me? I should be writing right now. Mind you you might want to upgrade your spy equipment if you could see my roots you would know I am well out if my 30's. He will be home very soon. Talk later.

You seem to have a lot of good advice given on here already.

One thing I would say, is he trying to get across that he is depressed at all? Maybe the taking of antidepressants was his way of dealing with it, but he may be too embarrassed or confused to go to the doctors himself, or to even admit his feelings.

Well I tidied his room for him, gave it a bloody good scrub too! When he came infrom school he saw it gave me a big hug and said thank you . I decided not to tackle anything after that. He was courteous during supper and when around. We do need to talk and negotiate and I will continue thread in teenagers. Just wanted to say thanks for all the immediate responds here. Overall the responses have helped to clarify the line between being too authoritarian and too laid back. Not sure parents can ever get this right but we can give it a go!

Oh gonnabehappy, nice one! Keep talking, you have all been through so much, and it'll take time and talking to get you all through it.

He's old enough to be able to tell you that you're being too tough with him, and old enough to try to reason with. Fingers crossed you can keep the entente cordiale going for a little while longer and make some progress on him keeping his room tidy and hopefully seeing that drugs are just idiotic.

I feel for you, have been there although not with a ds, with my 15 year old bil. Itall ended quite badly so don'treally have huge amount of advice for you.we came down hard onhim and it back fired big time. He started going missing and had tocallthe police. One thing I can recommend is that if he is hanging around with adults who are supplying him with drugs, you can get an abduction order against them so the police can forcibly remove him from their house.

Mybil had a troubled childhood which I thinkadded to the behaviour, I'm sure you and your ds will come through this and get back to normal soon.