AIBU to be miffed about wedding plans, or am I too soft?

[JaneS]

I am honestly trying not to be a bridezilla here but if you think I'm being unreasonable please let me know (and let me know what to do).

DP and I are getting married and we thought we ought to get in touch with family and close friends before we booked a date so we could ask when they were likely to be free. We also let them know that, because of DP's religion, the wedding wouldn't be a trad. English wedding, that DP's family mostly don't speak English, and that (amongst other things), the Church will use incense and normally expects the congregation to stand for most of the time if they're physically able to do so.

Because my parents were worried about the length of the service, we got the priest to shorten it. My parents now say that lots of our family are concerned about standing up through a whole service (which, as we explained, isn't compulsory but it is what the rest of the congregation will be doing). They're also worried about not understanding the bits of the service that are in a foreign language, although we've said we will translate in the service booklets. There are 6 months to go before the wedding and my parents are now on at me to get in touch with all my family members again, to go through with them all individually about exactly what will happen and how it will work. I just think this is really unnecessary work. AIBU to feel that, if Auntie A doesn't like listening to a foreign language/ Auntie B doesn't want to be sitting down when everyone else is standing, they should just put up and shut up? Parents think I'm being rude in not making my wedding more like what people will expect and I know I am the host and should make it a nice occasion for guests - but I feel a bit as if they're taking the p*.

Thoughts? Flaming? WWYD?

YANBU.
It's your wedding- you are doing it according to dh's religion, and your relatives should accept that.
Why do relatives feel they have the right to complain all the time?
Go ahead op, and have a great day.

I slightly understand why your parents are slightly put out insomuch as they will attend the wedding of their daughter but not have an inkling of what is being said/happening as it will all be in a foreign language.

I dont think it is necessary to tell people when they are supposed to sit, stand or whatever. Most people in church just follow the others are doing.

Is everything going to be in a foreign language, hymns, songs, service, speeches etc. I can see why your family might feel alienated.

I think you have gone into too much depth already about what is expected and have caused confusion.

No flaming here. It's your wedding and it sounds really different and personal and I would really be looking forward to it if i'd been invited.

Do you think your mother may be projecting her concerns onto other people? I imagine most people will be really curious and excited about a different type of wedding. It sounds quite reasonable that the elderly and infirm can sit down if they need to. Otherwise I reckon the vast majority will launch themselves into it.

Don't feel pressured into having the wedding that you think your mother everyone else wants. You will never please everyone. It is your wedding and it sounds like it suits you and your DP perfectly.

Have a great day.

YANBU, it's your wedding, you should feel able to do it as you wish.

However, parents always worry about 'what other people will think' and how their precious daughter's wedding will be talked about by Auntie A / Auntie B for years to come, so if I were you I'd do what you can to allay their fears a bit.

Can you perhaps put together a short explanation that you can post / email to everyone saying something like:
"Dear loved one, we are so excited that you will be sharing our special day and want you to feel comfortable at our wedding so here's a brief outline of what will be happening, when and why.
If you don't want to join in or don't wish to stand for that long, don't worry, the world will not end, we're just letting you know what normally happens.
A full translation will be available on the day so you can follow the service, but in the meantime the general outline of the day is x, then y, then z, then we all go over the road for tea and cake.
Dress code is usually a, b or c, and it is traditional to give presents of x, y or z but don't feel you have to, it's not compulsory. If you want to wear a hat and throw confetti at the end, we'll be very happy for you to do so" or similar.

That way everyone's expectations are managed, the Aunties will think "Gosh isn't littlereddragon a good girl for thinking of us all and explaining it so nicely", your parents will get brownie points from the family for having brought you up so well and hopefully you'll get less gyp from them.

Their main concerns will be what people will wear / eat / be expected to do and how to avoid social embarrassment. Put yourself in their shoes, cover all eventualities and then let them get on with it - and have a wonderful wedding, just the way you and your DP want to!

That's what I'd do at least - or in fact, what I did - had a similar situation and it took months of negotiation and smoothing of feathers but it was worth it. Good luck with it all! And you're not being Bridezilla as long as you're thinking of other people. Just strike a balance between allaying their fears and having the wedding you want and you'll be fine.

With hindsight, I think your mistake was probably telling them anything about it at all and saved them all this unnecessary worrying about it.
I think they're being a bit silly.

Hmm. Yes, maybe I shouldn't have told them anything! I pretty much did what snowtiger suggests and it won't all be in a foreign language, it'll have bits in both languages, but my mum has suggested that it's harder for English speakers to cope with foreign languages as we don't 'expect' to have to read a translation whereas foreign nationals tend to be aware that not everyone speaks their language.

Even if this were true, I still don't want my in-laws to be unable to understand anything that happens.

Glad you don't think I'm being a complete bridezilla - still not sure whether it was a mistake to tell them anything.

Your wedding, your way. Easy.

I bent over backwards to make my wedding suitable to everyone else. I had a miserable day.

I wouldn't worry. You could say to your mnum that you willmake sure everyone knows what is going on on the day but not ringing round now because that is just silly. FWIW, an rnglish friend of mine married a greek cypriot in an entirely greek orthodox ceremony. It was lovely and a very nice chsnge.

LRD - YANBU, and you're doing a great job of trying to make sure everyone feels comfortable and enjoys the service. All good, but your dm is be entirely U (I love the idea that English speakers can't cope with a foreign language for parts of the service...have you tried pointing out to her that all services were in Latin pre-refomation? ). My service was 100% not in English; we did as snowtiger suggested and sent out some details in advance to everyone who might have been surprised by that, and made a personalised handout which was placed on every seat on the day, translating the service in personal tones (eg "Fillybuster now turns to Fillyboy and says...etc).

Afterwards, loads of our friends and family commented on how special it was, and how pleased they were to be included in something a bit different and a number of friends copied the handout for use in other types of wedding service.

I don't think you're being a bridezilla at all, but I do worry you're about to get bulldozered by your mum becoming a mother-of-the-bride-zilla. Watch out and stand your ground !

wwyd

Well I would write a peice about the service from start to finish and then copy and past it several times, then I would sned it or email it to all your relatives with a foot note stating that my mothers thinks it will be good i you knwo what is going on during the service and there will be leaflets of this same letter in the place of marriage (cos they will all forget what you rote and leave the letter at home)

job done

It all sounds a bit unnecessarily fancy. English is English when all's said and done.

I went to a greek orthodox christening fairly recently - one side of the family there were G.O., the other side were mostly C of E or RC and so had no idea what to expect.

It did all feel very one sided - very much the dh's side of the family and the dw's did feel a bit like bystanders. This was despite the priest translating bits into english as he went (would have been incredibly difficult to just follow the service if it was translated in a booklet, hard enough to understand the priest and still follow it, altho' he was talking incredibly quickly - maybe for having to say everything twice!). And the dw did insist on having at least her favourite hymn in there too - some recognition of her in a service that otherwise cut her out of her dc's christening.

I know you say that your dp's family many of them don't speak English - but I am guessing that many of your family don't speak the foreign language. So it can be nice to use both as a way of joining the two families and cultures together. And provide appropriate translation for both sides. And I guess for you to make sure that, when you look back on it, you feel that there was some of you and your heritage in there too, that it wasn't just about being taken over by your husband (which is what the friend felt a bit about her dc's christening afterwards).

Oh and it sounds like your parents are worried about the wedding being not what THEY expect - reassure them that it will be a nice occasion for guests and that you are looking forward to it, and send out a little note if you feel up to it - or put in a note with the actual invite and tell people to get in touch with you if they want more info - if you have already been in touch with them once before the invites have been sent out then it is probably a bit OTT to be in touch again before the invites go out!

Good luck with the wedding - enjoy it and make it your day! Don't let anyone else spoil it with their concerns...

Thanks everyone.

zipzap - your post is making me think carefully. Really grateful. I'd not thought about it feeling one-sided but actually, I'd better be a bit careful about that.

hullygully - Sorry, I've no idea what you meant by your post and I'm dead curious.

'It all sounds a bit unnecessarily fancy. English is English when all's said and done.'

Eh? Please explain. Who/what's fancy?

Oh, btw, fillybuster - nice tip about pre-Reformation services being in Latin! Mum should darn well know about that since my research is on medieval Latin texts! Will try pointing this out

LRD - medieval latin? ugh...I spent 8 years avoiding anything later than around 100AD like the plague - it's all so messy and ungrammatical

YANBU. I tried to accommodate silly little complaints at my wedding. A huge family rift was caused over the most ridiculous thing. It marred the day for me.

Its your wedding, do it your way. If others don't like it, tough. Weddings are about the people getting married IMHO. Its is what they want, not what others want at all. Your mum is being ridiculous tbh.