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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have an outdoor wedding with hayfever suffering guests?

42 replies

EleanorLemon · 08/03/2010 14:18

Hello! i've been a mumsnet lurker for a while but have only just got my act together to sign up so please forgive me if i break any of the [very confusing] etiquette!

Basically, I am getting married next June, and we're being extremely hopefully and having an outdoor ceremony at my mum's, who has an amazing garden that is her pride and joy.

We've always wanted an outdoor one, but last week MIL and SIL told us that we couldnt possibly have it outside then because of the hayfever sufferers in their family. [this includes DP, SIL, BIL, MIL]
im really upset that they are so against it, they are acting as if i've deliberately done it to make them miserable on the day.

I have a lot of sympathy for hayfever sufferers, as my brother suffers quite badly, but has found the right mix of stuff to keep it under control.

But AIBU to tell them that i think they can handle it! pollen gets everywhere anyway, even so my mum has offered to open out her conservatory and take all the plants out prior to the wedding to try and have a less irritable environment, but my MIL says that wouldnt make a difference and it would be IMPOSSIBLE for them to come.

help! any hayfever sufferers out there? im not being cruel am i?

OP posts:
staranise · 08/03/2010 14:22

I don't think YABU - I mean, do your ILs stay indoors all summer? I have hayfever and yes, it's horrid and the drugs don't always work but I would never dream of not accepting an outdoor invite because of it. And even if you got marreid indoors, wouldn't there still be a large portion of the reception etc outdoors if its a summer wedding?

Hayfever sufferers react to a variety of pollen - I think grass is the worst so I doubt that moving house plants would make a big difference anyway. And it also depends on the weather - wind and rain can make a big difference to pollen levels.

Congratulations on your wedding.

BessieBoots · 08/03/2010 14:22

Your future in-laws sound nice

lifeas3plus1 · 08/03/2010 14:24

So do your SIL, MIL & BIL never go outside in summer then?

Unless they keep themselves locked away for half of the year then I don't think YABU.

BessieBoots · 08/03/2010 14:24

I'd still have it outside, if that's what you and your DP want. What has he to say about all this?

You don't want MIL thinking you'll pander to her every whim when you're married...

blonde36er · 08/03/2010 14:24

YANBU - I suffer from hayfever and wouldn't even consider not going to an outdoor wedding because of it!

islandofsodor · 08/03/2010 14:25

Where do you live?

In the UK a ceremony such as you describe (outdoors and in a private dwelling)would not be legal.

emsyj · 08/03/2010 14:27

YANBU re: hayfever - we had our wedding at a botanic garden and DH suffers with hayfever so . They can take tablets, surely?

Your outdoor ceremony might not be legal though unless you're in Scotland. And the stress of having your ceremony outdoors in a garden does build up as the day approaches and you will end up checking the weather forecast 500000 times a day towards the end - unless you live somewhere that has sunshine all year round guaranteed in which case .

You can never please everyone with weddings. You are best to just not discuss plans with anyone at all and be vague if they ask questions, then send out the invites and let them get on with it.

islandofsodor · 08/03/2010 14:28

Incidentally I am a hayfever sudfferer asnd have been to many a wedding whihc involved having to stand around outdoors for much of the time.

But the actual ceremony has to be in a permanent building that is open to the public.

isgrassgreener · 08/03/2010 14:29

Well as a hayfever sufferer I would not expect anyone to worry about such a thing when planning a wedding. It's my problem and I have to manage it.
It's one day, it's your wedding, its your day, not theirs.
What do they do all summer, stay indoors?
I don't, I take hayfever pills and carry an inhailor.
You are not being cruel.
Congratulation on your wedding.

Dirtgirl · 08/03/2010 14:29

If they get hayfever, I can't imagine they never go outside ever. I'm sure they'll manage.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 14:31

Is that how they phrased it ? - you "couldn't possibly have it outside" ?

That is, frankly, weirdly unreasonable on their part

I assume you've had inklings about them before ?

OrmRenewed · 08/03/2010 14:31

I thought you could pay to get your venue licensed for a wedding. But then it remains so for a year and has to be open to anyone else who wants to use it

franke · 08/03/2010 14:34

What nonsense! I suffer from hayfever and certainly would not expect anyone to change wedding plans on my account, and I wouldn't dream of not accepting either. mil sounds a bit of a prima donna - is she jealous that your mother will have such a major part in the wedding?

islandofsodor · 08/03/2010 14:40

There are over 3000 licensed civil venues to choose from in England and Wales, from hotels and stately homes, to zoos and football grounds. The only rule is that such premises must be permanent and roofed, (which rules out boats and gardens), open to the public and unconnected with any religion.

islandofsodor · 08/03/2010 14:41

In Scotland though you can get married anywhere a minister is prepared to marry you.

Original poster
EleanorLemon · 08/03/2010 14:43

we're having a registry office bit and then this other ceremony. the registry office bit is taking place a week before, and then we'll have our hen night/stag do that night and then have our 'proper' ceremony a week later. I liked the idea of getting all the boring legal stuff out of the way so the wedding can just be a big party

I was worried in case there was some kind of EXTREME hayfever where you stop breathing or something but the in-laws dont seem to have that, they're just really snotty and moany.
funnily enough, it's just MIL and SIL who have the problem, BIL and DP [who are very close] just keep laughing at them to 'man up' which i think bodes well for future hypochondriac scenarios!

i dont want this to be the start of a long list of things i've done wrong though, torturing them at my wedding!

OP posts:
interestinglino · 08/03/2010 14:44

If you're getting married next June, that'll give them plenty of time to sort out suitable antihistamines, if it's that big a problem for them.

addictedtomn · 08/03/2010 14:44

orm thats right i wanted to get married in my parents garden and we were told it has to be open to anyone else to use it.

we wee also told off the record that if we didnt advertis it as a wedding venue not many people would know about it and also if someone asked as long as we could prove it was 'booked' then it was fine i didnt end up licenceing it.

they are being very unreasonable, you have your wedding where ever you want it, they will just have to get over them selves. if you were to have it in a church or other venue the chances were that there would be gardens they would have to walk through and as its a summer wedding i assume that even if you got married indoors you would want out door photos.

very unreasonable of them

JaneS · 08/03/2010 14:45

YANBU. Obviously. But, to be practical, can you ask your MIL what exactly she's worried about? Plenty of plants wouldn't bother most hayfever sufferers - June is prime time for roses and I've never heard of anyone finding them a problem. Maybe your MIL could be talked into seeing reason.

blonde36er · 08/03/2010 14:46

You can get round the 'outside' part of the requirements if you get married under something like a bandstand or a gazebo (a metal one with a domed roof or something, not a plastic one that is thrown up in the garden in summer though) - some people we know did this a couple of years ago at a fancy hotel

But in England, if you want to marry at home then you'd need to be licenced for all and sundry to marry there as well if they wanted!

youremindmeofthebabe · 08/03/2010 14:52

YANBU.

They sound a teensy bit weird.

Ivykaty44 · 08/03/2010 14:54

an outfit with glasses will help

But most weddings have lowers inside so doubt it iwll make an difference.

i take it your not in England and Wales?

Original poster
EleanorLemon · 08/03/2010 14:54

she's just fussing about the whole thing, ceremony/reception being outdoors. my mum's garden is very large with plenty of grass as well as the flowers.

franke- i never thought of that. it's not like my mum is head organiser or anything, she's just offering up her garden/house for guests. which is very generous of her and if MIL had a big enough garden and offered then we'd have no problems with doing it in hers!

didn't really want to get the garden licensed because of the above reasons. and also, i dont see why you shouldn't be able to get married whereever you like, like in scotland!

OP posts:
PSCMUM · 08/03/2010 14:55

#YANBU. they sound like over precious tossers....sure you don't want to rethink not the venue, but the husband choice?

OrmRenewed · 08/03/2010 14:55

I think it sounds lovely. I hope you go ahead regardless. It's quite absurd to say hayfever will stop them attending. Never heard of Piriton?

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