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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable about his birthday?

26 replies

Enchilada81 · 08/03/2010 12:17

Due to us being quite short of money at the moment, we kind of made an agreement that we wouldn't bother with buying each other birthday and christmas presents ... we'd just make a token gesture such as chocolates etc.

Anyway, his birthday is coming up in April and he's decided he wants me to buy him a PC game for £25 We only spend £50 on the kid's birthdays! I think it's too much personally but he's been going on and on about it as if he's really expecting it.

Just out of curiosity I asked him what he was getting me for my birthday. He suggested a DVD he'd seen on ebay for around £3

I let it go but a few days later I said "oh I've been thinking, as I'm losing weight I could do with some more clothes, that could be something you could get me for my birthday?"

So he pulled a face and grunted "how much is that gonna cost?"

I said "I don't know, I'm not asking you to be me a new wardrobe, just something for summer "

So he replied "umm we could maybe have a look around asda or matalan for something I suppose"

So is he being unreasonable or am I?

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 08/03/2010 12:20

YANBU

Or rather, you are both being a bit unreasonable.

Him for going back on the agreement and expecting you to still go without.

You for asking his permission to buy clothes that you need because you have done so well to lose weight.

Buy him something for a fiver for his birthday, if he wants the game he can buy it himself.

lizziemun · 08/03/2010 12:25

YANBU he is.

If you can't afford the pc game, then he just have to get over it.

He knows your on a budget he just trying to make you feel guilty.

I would just tell him straight you can not afford that game.

BAFE · 08/03/2010 12:28

YABU - he works hard all year presumably so If he asks for a £25 game for his birthday he deserves it

MmeLindt · 08/03/2010 12:36

Bafe
Are you Enchilada's DH?

FacePalm · 08/03/2010 12:38

yanbu, if he wants to go back on an agreement you both made, then he should be saving for your birthday, and getting you more than a £3 dvd from e bay!

If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it. He is a grown adult, and surely by now has learnt you cannot always get what you want!

And, he may well work hard all year..but it does not mean he "deserves" a more expensive birthday present than you had both agreed on, when he is planning on spending a fraction of that on you.

BAFE · 08/03/2010 12:41

No, just find it odd that some people only want their dh to have a birthday present that's the exact same amount of money that they will have spent on them.

Just find it sad that's all - £25 once a year is a small amount

MmeLindt · 08/03/2010 12:45

Bafe
Presumably Enchilada works hard all year too, and deserves a decent birthday present. Nowhere in her OP did she state whether she or her DH were in employment. And even if she did, it would be irrelevant.

They are short of money, they agreed not to spend money on presents this year.

He is going back on that agreement.

coppertop · 08/03/2010 12:47

£25 is not a small amount when money is tight.

YANBU. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd said that you should both forget about the agreement. Instead he's happy to take £25 for something he wants, while complaining about you wanting to do the same for yourself.

BAFE · 08/03/2010 12:48

They can't be short of money if she's on the atkins diet - that's all steak and salmon 3 x a day that is.

Anyway, I've changed my mind - I just saw your thread about him throwing your biscuits away so, no, YANBU - he deserves nothing for that.

Good luck on your diet - hope it's not making you irritable

claw3 · 08/03/2010 12:53

Pre-owned games are much cheaper if thats any help.

MmeLindt · 08/03/2010 12:54

How do you know she is on the Atkins diet?

BAFE · 08/03/2010 12:57

I'm psychic

starkadder · 08/03/2010 13:01

To be honest, it sounds as if your DH is about 12. In which case you have bigger problems, really.

MouthAndTrousers · 08/03/2010 13:02

BAFE,
If you are psychic, what am I doing right now??

MmeLindt · 08/03/2010 13:02

Ok.

You are either Enchilada's DH (or someone who knows her) or you have been searching her posts.

The first is controlling and creepy.

The second is not how things are done on MN. You may be new to MN and not know this, but unless a poster refers to another thread, it is not acceptable to pull them up on something that they have said elsewhere on the board.

BAFE · 08/03/2010 13:05

oh for Gods' sake MmeLindt I'm joking. Go see the other thread the OP posted and get yourself a sense of humour.

MmeLindt · 08/03/2010 13:10

I have a decent SOH thanks, but am only going on what you have posted on this thread.

Am I supposed to have guessed by your posts that you and Enchilada have spoken or joked on other threads?

rookiemater · 08/03/2010 13:10

Mmmm both reasonable and unreasonable I think. You do have the right to be annoyed about DH for forgetting about arrangement that was made, however rather than just hinting about what you would like and tbh if someone said to me that they wanted new clothes that sounds like a lot more than £25, then if you can both afford it then suggest that your DH gives you a £25 voucher for a clothes shop of your choice.

Well done on losing weight btw, I lost some a couple of years ago but it seems to have found me again

porcamiseria · 08/03/2010 13:31

LOL at BAFE and LINDT !!!!! grr, you 2 need couple counselling

anyway, OP your hubbie seems to be annoying you today! In more ways than one....

can you get him the game without breaking the bank?

If yes, get it, make him happy

If no, tell him you cant, explain why ref the agreed budget, end of.

heQet · 08/03/2010 13:39

If it is bothering you - talk to him! Great thing - communication. Really the best problem solver

Seriously though - talk. Tell him that his game costs £25, so why does he begrudge you some clothes. After all, people need clothes, nobody needs a computer game. Ask him why he thinks it's ok for one of you to have a treat but not the other.

Maybe he hasn't thought of it like that.

One things certain though - inwardly fuming does no good. You have to talk if you want to sort anything out.

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 08/03/2010 13:40

urgh I'm such a narky biatch at the moment arnt I.

And NO BAFE ... ATKINS IS NOT ... NOT ... NOT MAKING ME IRRITABLE!! RIGHT??!

Ok, the real problem here is that I'm not happy with DH anymore and want to leave. Since I realised this, every little thing bothers me. I just want to get out.

That is what's really going on. I know that. Just sometimes I forget and I end up thinking the little things really do matter. The bigger picture gets lost. The woods get lost in the trees so to speak.

I'll give him something towards the game. A compromise.

Thanks for putting up with me at the moment, I'm annoying myself with my constant whinging so god knows how everyone else must feel

OP posts:
Clarissimo · 08/03/2010 13:46

YANBU

nowt from both of you

Some from both of you

Loads from both of you

Or an acceptance (as we have atm) that my income is a lot less than DH's so I spend less and DH prefers that to me dipping in the joint pot

But you lots him little no

Clarissimo · 08/03/2010 13:50

The little tings do matter becuase they make up the big picture.

have you told him you want out?

Original poster
Enchilada81 · 08/03/2010 13:57

Not really. We had a massive argument last weekend and I told him then that I'd had enough. We talked it through, I said I'd give things another go but all week I've been thinking about leaving. Infact, I think it's been at the back of my mind for months.

He does try. Which makes it hard because I end up feeling guilty. Yesterday he made me a big batch of pork burgers (for my diet) and he cooked me a load of chicken portions to have as snacks throughout the day. Tonight he's going to have a go at making some low carb donuts for me. When you look at this you think "awww what a lovely bloke" but then I get the snapping ... the "why havn't you done a, b or c today?" ... I get ignored ... It's his overall attitude.

"It's my way or no way"

(for insance, even the diet thing is an example of him being controlling. Although it seems nice him doing these things, on the flip side of the coin I wasn't ALLOWED to cook the chicken myself as it was a waste of gas and he doesn't want me making the donuts tonight because I'll mess them up and waste the ingredients).

OP posts:
rookiemater · 08/03/2010 14:26

I hope I'm not going to get flamed for this, but I'd recommend buying/borrowing a copy of "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" you can buy it new on Amazon including P&P for less than £5.00.

Feel free to ignore the horrid title and goddy bits, the fundamental principles are about men and women acting and thinking in different ways and treating ones DH with respect and courtesy like we do our friends.

The reason I'm mentioning this book is that you both seem to have an issue with communication, now I'm sure he has things to work on his side, but honestly give it a go as it sounds to me like he is trying albeit in a cackhanded way if its winding you up to show he cares by cooking your diet food for you.

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