to be 20 weeks pregnant and have just decided I really don't want another child?

[BigMomma3]

Bit late now though is'nt it. Have had an absolutely crap weekend. Dh working - he works 5 days out of 7 and at least 3 weekends a month from 10am-10pm at least. So at home with 3DCs aged 8, 8 and 13. No energy to do anything or take them out, they would not play in the garden so have been vegging in front of the TV/Wii all day in between wrecking the house, trailing crap everywhere and fighting. Have no mum friends to speak of since we moved here 3 years ago and no famil nearby either.

When we decided to try for a 5th DC (DD2 was stillborn), I thought I was just getting broody as you do at a certain age (childbearing years almost over and all that) but DH humoured me and we decided to try for a few months and I thought I would then get over it and it probably would'nt happen anyway but we hit the bullseye in the first month of trying .

I do really want this baby but am thinking what a bloody idiot I am, have'nt I got enough on my plate already - DD is a VV stroppy teenager and I should have been more concerned with spending girly time with her and trying to deal with her hormones without mine getting in the way and the DSs still won't do anything for themselves without me screaming at them. I have been a complete bitch to them today and have had to apologise numerous times for 'being in a bad mood'. Am feeling so guilty that I am such an utterly crap mum and we should have been out having fun in the sunshine on our gbikes today today instead of being stuck at home with me shouting at them .

I am also still traumatised over the loss of our kitten who went missing 10 days ago and feel like sobbing about everything AND am undergoing CBT for OCD related anxiety due to my toxic mother (who I absolutely adore but know she fucked me up big time so am quite confused about it).

I am 38 and should have been trying to restart my career and revelling in my freedom that the DCs are older but am about to start all over again with a new baby .

Tell me this is just pregnancy hormones.

You do have a lot to deal with at the moment. I'm not sure I have much salient advice but just sending you an unhug so you don't go unanswered. Give yourself a break, take a warm bath and think over all the positives about your wonderful family.

This is just pregnancy hormones... there..

yes, you've taken a big decision but try to think of how much easier it will be this time with the others older and able to help you.. that's going to be one very loved baby..

And don't worry about doing nothing today... your kids will have forgotten by tomorrow!

Try and have a nice walk yourself tomorrow, though... you deserve it..

oh, and congratulations!

your kids are not going to suffer because you didnt entertain them..thats why telly, etc etc was invented, and why cant they amuse themselves anway? Stop beating yourself up and stop bloody aplogising to them.

Deep breath Bigmomma3.

You sound exhausted and fed up. You have a lot on your plate, you've had a shite day dealing with a load of grumpy kids all by yourself. No wonder you feel a bit shit.

Have a hug and put your feet up - the kids must be in bed now, right? Think of something you can do that is pleasurable for YOU tomorrow and do it.

Chin up, chalk today up to one that should be best forgotten and try to make tomorrow happier - will the kids be in school??

Hang in there Big Momma- it may seem like madness at the moment, but just you wait till that lovely baby is there and you see your older children doting over the baby in a way that makes you fall in love with them all over again, and be far more relaxed about their teenage strops and attempts to push the boundaries, and regain some of that resolve you had and determination for them when they were newborns, just you wait... It becomes so much easier to battle the older ones.

You will not regret it. It will be lovely. Six months in I can honestly say that it has been wonderful pretty much all the time.

PS: so sorry about your little stillborn baby. Do you think you are worried about that? could it be contributing a little?

Conclusion- it's not necessarily just pregnancy hormones, but it is natural to feel like you feel. I must confess there were times when I felt like that in my last pregnancy. Hang in there.

big momma 3 sorry about your kitten sounds like you are up the wall.be kind to yourself.spring is on its way,chill in the garden.tomorrow is another day.things have a habit of getting better, and they will.grab a lovely bar of choccy and a big cup of tea

ps: watch your vitamin and iron levels! Take a good supplement or Spatone. Even at this stage you need to watch your iron.

Yes school tomorrow. I do feel so sorry for them though. I am wondering how I am going to have time for them as well as a baby especially as they all seem to be at 'difficult' developmental stages.

Oh fuck - really should have thought things through. Feel very selfish. People have said the DC will love having a baby though and it will perhaps 'calm' them down which can only be a positive.

Just gone up to kiss them all and the DSs look so angelic I want to cry at how much I shouted at them (they still creep into each other's beds and curl up together being twins and all even though they're 8). DD said she would hoover for me tomorrow!

Better go get in the bath before I start sobbing again!

Good on your DD for offering to hoover - she sounds like she was very well brought up! Everybody has off days, pregnant or otherwise and you are doing a great job with your dcs as you clearly adore them. Enjoy that bath BigMomma3

One thing that stood out to me in your OP- you apologised to your kids for being in a bad mood.

Every mum loses it with her kids, especially when under stress like you are, only good mama's apologise.

You're a good mama, cut yourself a break.

Honey- you go have a rant and you deserve to do so! It doesn't matter if you want the baby or not because the second you have it- you'll adore it and dote on it. As for your DS's, my bloody HUSBAND is the same let alone my DS- it's part and package of being a (superior race) woman.
Those preggie hormones are a total bitch (mine made me clean like 5 times a day...). You'll be grand!
The DD will love the babalouse and you can get her to mind the baba as work experience- lol. JUST a bad day YANBU

Good luck to you and your new baby. Am not trying to be complete martyr here, but wd give anything to be in your shoes (tho funnily hve just spent day screaming at kids, vegging with wii etc, so those shoes are quite familiar).

Just had 4th mc, one a year sice i was 40. Hve 3 dc, but still...hope you get some "me" time, just v sensitive to those bemoaning their lot when from my perspective wd surpass lottery win plus eternal youth plus anything really.

Am not in any way trying to make you feel worse, just poss feeling sorry for myself!

Bigmomma can you be my momma you sound great.
And aah to you twin boys they do sound cute congrats on pg and good luck just watch Madmen on BBC4 there is the cutest little new born baby on it making me v.broody . Big ugsxxx

Bigmomma, sweetie, you said this in your OP: 'I do really want this baby'. That's all I needed to read. You're a good mum having a crap time. It'll all come right, you deserve it.

Oh you are a lovely lot, thank you .

Feel better today but absolutely knackered. Really need to start getting to bed before midnight - forgotten how much pregnancy takes out of you!

BigMomma - let me offer you some reassurance.

Just had a DS last monday and I have a hormonal 10 yr old DD. I've spent the last 3 months worrying about how she would fare with a new baby around the house and how we would cope as my husband works 7 days a week - he is self employed, and I work part time, self employed, and study part time. I too had a wobble at 20 weeks and really wondered if I'd done the right thing. To top it all off I started with severe SPD just before xmas and haven't been able to drive/go out alone or with DD for the last 6 weeks.

I need not have worried - DD loves DS to peices and has been an incredible help. In return for a little extra pocket money she's helped around the house and is at an age where I can leave her to watch DS for 20 mins while I grab a shower or prepare food etc.

Hormones are a bugger and I'm sure you'll be fine but in the mean time try and get the other children to help you around the house - bribery is vastly under rated imo - and take the time to look after yourself. I'm sure once yor lo arrives your other children will be so smitten they won't be able to do enough to help out !

Oh Underactive CONGRATULATIONS! Really can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. I was unprepared for how much harder this one has been compared to my others!