To not want ds to sleep in same bed as mil?

[ifeelitall]

Mil (divorced) lives in an apartment with a double bed (hers) and a spare room with two single beds. When we've stayed there before, she always says ds (5) should sleep with her in the double bed - he never wants to, he wants to sleep with me. Dh and I sleep in the single beds.

Last time she badgered him so much, he did sleep in her bed but then woke up in the night crying and looking for me - she was still trying to hold onto him and get him to stay in her bed, but dh intervened and said "For god's sake, let him sleep with his mother".

She's just been to stay with us, where she sleeps on a sofa bed in ds' bedroom. Half the time, ds comes to our bed at some point in the night - I heard her asking him in the morning why he'd "left" her. She also says to me every time she doesn't understand it and hopefully he'll stop doing it soon - although we always say we don't mind, we like it.

And now dh and ds are away from the weekend, coming back tomorrow and breaking the journey by staying overnight at mil's. I know she'll try to get him to sleep in her bed again (doesn't even make sense as there'll be a spare single bed without me), and it irritates me because I think it's all about her emotional neediness.

Part of me thinks 'oh, whatever - it's annoying but let it go', the other part just doesn't really like it. So far I'm erring on the side of 'whatever'; because I'm not really sure if my irritation with her is exaggerated or whether it would be unreasonable to say to dh he should make sure ds sleeps in his own bed?

Wdyt?

Maybe she's trying to give you two a break so you can have some couple time.

I used to share my gran's single bed with her when I was about 5-8 years old - it was fab Some really happy memories particularly of the early morning teas-made where we had a cup of tea.

I don't mind the sharing on principle, I mind her insisting on it when he doesn't want to, particularly when he was crying in the night!

I'd ask your DH to make sure DS stays in with him.

What would your ds want to do?

Sometimes my MIL is a bit full on and dd sometimes looks to me as her voice to tell MIL to back off - is this something your ds does or is he happy to tell his gp that he doesn't want to sleep in the same bed?

YANBU, if your DS and you are both uncomfortable with the situation, then so that is understandable. It does indeed sound as if your MIL is being needy.

It is a delicate situation though. It might be worth you buying something like this www.aerobed.co.uk/pages/product.asp?prodid=2042&range=Classic&type=Mattress for the next time you stay over, and explain firmly that DS prefers to have his own space.

As for tomorrow, if you can rely upon the discretion and loyalty of your DH, then tell him that you really want your DS to sleep in the other single bed at your MIL's, explaining that you think your DS will feel happier rooming with his dad when away from you.

HTH.

I think if there is a bed for him and he wants to sleep in it then he should. There is no reason for him to sleep with her and it clearly distresses him to do so. dh seems to be aware of what ds wants so hopefully he will stand up to her!

I wouldnt be happy about it
If your ds wants to thats fine

But if he doesnt she should respect that

Also at five I cant see a reason for a child to share unless the child is ill, nightmare, thunderstorm or there is a bed shortage!

I would have thought she would give you two the double bed & her & your son have a single bed each.

I think that once children sleep alone they often don´t want to share a bed again.

On this occasion of course your husband should have your son in the same room in the other bed.

Why share if you don´t have to?

diddl - the last time we were there, when ds woke up crying and looking for me, and she was trying to make him stay with her, she kept saying "You can't go to Mummy, the bed is too small!" until dh finally said "If you're so worried about them not having enough space, then give them your bed!". She didn't reply to that and gave up trying to persuade ds.

Ty everyone, btw. Sometimes it's hard to know if I'm just being hard on her because she gets on my nerves sometimes. But I do find her neediness with ds really trying.

get him a ready bed then he can sleep in his own space next to you and dh.

Your ds is saying loud and clear he doesn't like what is being done to him!

If your son wanted to share with his grandma, then fine, no problem.

But he has told you through his actions he doesn't like it - now it's your job (and your husband's) to make sure she doesn't pressure him into it, as it seems she is wont to do.

It sounds like your husband will be fine with sorting out his mum, but it might be worth restating how you feel to him, if you speak to him again before they stay over.

For future, a camp bed or ready bed sounds a good solution.

I think the point is that your son doesn´t want to sleep in bed with her so there needs to be an alternative,that´s why I suggested them in the single beds.

But she does sound unreasonably desperate to keep him with her.

It does sound to me like she might be expressing her belief that your DS shouldn't be sharing YOUR bed every night, and might have been trying to persuade him to stay with her (or, when she's at your house, to stay in his own room) so he breaks the habit of coming into your bed. It's the sort of thing my mum would do. I have to say, i would hate my DS coming into my bed every night as I think it must disrupt everyone's sleep and make separation (sleepovers etc) tricky; but if it works for you, then you should maybe just explain that to your MIL - that you don't mind him sleeping with you. It doesn't sound like there's necessarily anything untoward in her attitude.

Mudandroses - I don't understand how the MIl would be sharing a bed with her grandson in order to stop him sharing a bed with his parents, that seems counterintuitive to me?!

It appears obvious that she just wants to be be close to her grandson but unfortunately for her he isn't willing so she should accept that and find another way to be close to him. My ds (also 5) has shared a bed with his grandmother (my mil) and he enjoyed it but she couldn't sleep through his exceptionally loud snoring!! So I don't think she will want to again!

Perhaps she reasons that she will be more able to stop him getting into his parents' bed if he's in bed with her...she might justify it along the lines of 'giving them a a break'. I don;t know, I can just imagine my mum doing this...of course there's almost certainly some element of her wanting to be close to her grandson, but maybe not consciously/in an inappropriate way.

a childs personal space should be respected just as much as an adults, she shouldn't be trying to force him to sleep in her bed, i would be tempted to tell her she may be pushing him further away and probably will end up not like going to her house anymore if she doesn't nip it!

Its nice that she clearly loves him dearly, but this kind of behaviour is suffocating, espcially for little boys, get a ready bed for next time, to go in your room, tell her he doesn't like sharing anymore, and if he jumps in with you she won't know

good luck biting your tounge ;)