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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to go to hen night? WWYD?

12 replies

Coldhands · 06/03/2010 22:07

I have known my friend since we were 10. I haven't seen that much of her in the last few years. She never seems to have any time for me. Didn't come and see me when I had DS even though I offered to go to her. Eventually came over when he was 6 months. He is 2 and I have seen her once since then and she spent the whole time texting on her phone, then suddenly announced she was being picked up (after we had agreed that I was going to give her a lift home) and left.

Announced her engagement on FB, I never heard personally from her. Suddenly I got a message about her wedding being moved to this year (didn't even know she had set a date) and her invites would be out soon.

Now I have had a message that she has sent out to some of her friends about her hen weekends (yes, plural). She has decided that 1 is going to be a whole weekend in Amsterdam (flights £100 then she will look at accommodation when she has numbers) and another in her town that she has just moved to (about an hour from where I am). I have already told her I won't go to Amsterdam as I can't afford it and I have M.E. and stuggle to keep up on a normal night out, let alone a whole weekend in another bloody country. She messaged back saying that I would have to go to the one in her town then.

TBH, I'm not sure that I want to. I don't know most of her friends now. I would have to pay to stay there and again wouldn't want to be out late. She never bothers with me and I am actually surprised that she is inviting me to her wedding and hen nights in the first place. I have always been there over the years and I can now see that she has always been a bit of a user. Someone better would come along, she would be best friends with them, then come running back to me when she was fed up and I always let her.

AIBU to not want to bother? WWYD in this situation?

OP posts:

Habbibu · 06/03/2010 22:10

say you can't get childcare.

MaisietheMorningsideCat · 06/03/2010 22:10

No, YADefNBU!! If she was a boyfriend, you'd have chucked her by now - I think I'd do the same to her. Move on, and put her in your past. You deserve better friends than that.

Habbibu · 06/03/2010 22:10

but then i hate hen nights!

porcamiseria · 06/03/2010 22:12

dont go, she is not even that good a mate, lie, make up an excuse, given its all via email not hard

cant beleive you are even asking !!!! trim

TottWriter · 06/03/2010 22:18

I didn't go to my best friend's hen night even though I did want to, because of the difficulty with looking after my new DS (I'd had him a couple of months previously) and the fact that I'd have had to travel for hours on public transport. She understood. As any decent person would.

If that was a reasonable scenario with a best friend (who I am very close to) this so-called friend of yours has no right to kick up a stink if you don't go. Tell her your reasons, and you don't have to lie - your health and the fact that you will feel out of place should be enough for her. If she decides to get all offended, well, at least she doesn't live round the corner. You shouldn't feel obliged to go to something you don't want to.

Original poster

Coldhands · 06/03/2010 22:49

I hate hen nights too. My own put me off, it was fucking awful tbh!

I didn't think I was BU really, just wanted to check and to see what others would do. I'm not overly bothered over her reaction and will probably just tell her its too much hassle.

"If she was a boyfriend, you'd have chucked her by now" , and yes you are right Masie I have never thought of it that way.

OP posts:

BigBadMummy · 06/03/2010 23:25

I made a decision a few years ago that never again was I going to do things I didn't want to do. And, within reason, I have stuck to this.

It was triggered by us losing two friends in the tsunami and it made me realise that "life is too short".

So if you don't want to go, don't.

You don't even need to justify it.

It sounds expensive, you have had no input on the organising, and she is not a very close friend.

When I organised my hen do two years ago I decided I was not doing all the "foreign weekend" crap, it just gets out of hand. 20 of us went out for dinner (including my granny, my mum, MIL-to-be and my DCs, cost us £20 a head and we had a ball.

Don't feel guilty about it for one minute.

redroof · 07/03/2010 00:03

I wouldn't go, and I certainly wouldn't feel guilty either.
I know how you're feeling as I've had a long-term friend who moved away a few years ago. We still stayed in contact, and met-up occasionally. For some reason she gradually ceased contact over two years ago when I became pregnant. She hasn't even met my little one.
The fact you said yourself she has used you should answer your question.

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/03/2010 07:36

Yeah I'm not going to feel guilty over it at all. Like BigBadMummy said, life is too short for crap friends and I have had my fair share and promised I wouldn't waste my time anymore. Sorry for your loss, btw, that must have been awful!

I'll probably go to her wedding but I won't be paying to stay anywhere as I'm not leaving DS over night and I have better things to spend my money on tbh.

OP posts:

chickydee · 07/03/2010 08:35

Sounds to me like she only wants you there to show off all her other freinds and also to make them see how popular she is iyswim?
She doesnt want you there cos she likes you and wants to share the occassion with you, she just wants everyone to think shes popular, and to tell you "you'll have to come to the one in my home town then" smacks of bullying to me.
If she'd said "your more than welcome to come to the one in my home town" then fair enough.
I would certainly NOT go, and tbh i think she's no friend to you.
Does she understand how debilitating ME is?
If she did she wouldn't be demanding your time like this.
Sorry, Life is DEF too short, Why waste your time and money doing something you dont want to do for someone you dont really want to spend time with????

Original poster

Coldhands · 07/03/2010 19:05

chickydee The first bit of your post about looking popular occured to me too but I thought "nah" Now that you have thought it too, maybe my thought wasn't so far off the mark.

She probably has no idea how debilitating M.E. is and as it is an illness that you can't see, she would really stuggle to understand how I felt and would probaly say "oh you'll be alright". This is the 'friend' I was talking to about PND and I had come off the ADs and was going through a bit of a rough patch and was telling her about it. Her answer was "well you don't want to go down the ADs route (like she had an inkling of what it was like), you'll be ok" etc etc. She has no DCs so cannot possibly understand how hormonal it can all get (it hit me pretty hard too tbh). She knows I have also suffered from depression before too, as it was when we were at school and I was going through a very very hard time, but she does seem to think she knows best sometimes.

I'm kind of glad I don't really see her now. On the rare occasion we have met up, we talk about school days and thats about it. Its a struggle to find anything in common now.

OP posts:

NonnoMum · 07/03/2010 19:18

I don't blame you for not wanting to go. However, be prepared for the fall-out which I bet will be no wedding invitation! (She sounds like she might be the type to hold grudges!)
Friendships change over the years. When/if she has children, be the better person and bring round really practical and thoughtful presents; you can re-connect then - she might realise that you grew up much more quickly than she did.
Good luck, and don't put your health in jeopardy...

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