are my bro/sil being a bit unreasonable?

[thecloudhopper]

Am not married and do not have children but I find that I am concerned about the way my SIL and my brother treates my mum and dad when they are with them ( I am usually present) these are some of the examples:
1.My nephews 6th birthday party was the first party my mum and dad had been invited to his other grandparents had been to every single one since he was 1.

1. My mum and dad when they visit hear from my neice and nephew about how they did this that with the other grandparents and yet my bro and SIL will not allow Mum and Dad to take them off for a day.
2. On my nephews 2nd Christmas my bro asked mum for the recite so that they could take half the toys and clothes back to the shop as they had given too much to their 1st grandchild who they adore. (My bro and SIL had never mentioned the year before or on his birthday that they thought MandD where giving him too many presets).

Things like that all the time that get my mum upset... is she the unreasonable one or are they?

They have not fallen out ever and often ask for advice etc.

This all sounds like unreasonable behavior to me.

Has there ever been a falling out between your bro/sil and your parents?

WHen they got the reciept, did they take the presents back and refund your mum the money as she had spent too much, or did they keep the money for themselves?

Has she asked why she can't take the children out for the day?

It's impossible to say - you're only telling us your mum's side of the story. What is she actually like when she's with them?

I mean, they are the ones being unreasonable if your mum and dad are perfect grandparents, but if they're a pain in the bum for some major reason then your mum is being unreasonable.

Maybe rather than second guessing if there's an issue, it might be wise for your parents to ask the question. It doesn't have to be confrontation time, it just needs to be a grown up discussion where everyone is honest and maybe rather than resentment and upset behind closed doors, the relationships can improve.

We had a similar issue with my parents in law where I would not/couldn't be comfortable with my DCs staying at their house overnight because FIL smoked in the house (not when DCs were there, but the house stinks of smoke) - after 2 years of dodging and tears behind closed doors MIL asked me, and I told her and they sulked but have accepted my/our decision - now they have the kids for us overnight sometimes at ours when we visit friends etc. Relations are better and though the honesty bit was difficult initially, it did allow us to move forward.

I am seeing it with my own eyes, with the money bro and SIL kept the money.

My mum is v good with them she is a head teacher with over 30 years exprence with primary children, perhaps my bro and SIL feel threatened?

families can be odd.you soon learn this. I married into an odd family so I know! the thing is your bro and sil probably don't even think they are offending anyone.

Perhaps she has very different feelings about how children should be brought up and it has appeared in the past that she may disregard the feelings of your brother and SIL?

IMO the maternal grandparents are always going to be preferred over the paternal set. Unless there are other circumstances where the maternal set aren't around, or not in the near vicinity etc. It's just how it is. DS probably sees my folks more than DH's folks. In saying that, he can stay over at either set of grandparents any time he likes...

The only way to find out what is going on is to talk, otherwise you are all just going to keep second-guessing what is going on.

It might also be because they are the parents of the dad, not the mum. Often in households everything social round the kids is organised by the mum. She is of course closer to her own parents not her ILs.

My MIL is dead now and though I liked her a lot, I didn't ask her much for help with the kids when she was alive - I just didn't really feel comfortable about it (plus she was always pissed after 4pm!). Whereas I would trust my mum to the ends of the earth. Unfair, probably, yes, but that is very common I guess.

It is very possible to really dislike or just not trust your ILs for all sorts of reasons, hence the x zillion threads on that subject all over Mumsnet.

For what it is worth, I absolutely wouldn't get involved - you have no idea how much/little your SIL would resent it but I'm guessing massively - I know I would. Why don't you have a baby yourself and let your mum have a go with that one ! I'm sure she'd be lovely as a granny

"Often in households everything social round the kids is organised by the mum. She is of course closer to her own parents not her ILs. "

Exactly tricky, this is what I'm getting at. I don't go out my way to phone my Inlaws, I only phone my own parents. Perhaps the SIL isn't really interested in her partner's parents. That's quite common.