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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be utterly pissed off with dh....................

47 replies

walkingonthemoon · 06/03/2010 07:55

as I seem to be the one who by default, gets up with the children every sodding weekend....

If I get to lie in it is only by prior appointment only (I ask) say if I am going out the night before.

I am sure this is the same for many women but I am getting so fed up of this expectation, I feel like the bloody unpaid housekeeper/cook/au pair.

Its the same for cooking aswell, he just won't do it and if he does, its defrosting a meal I have made in the freezer for a leter date or a bloody pizza.

Right, rant over. I'm going to get the kids breakfast while he sleeps.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:

tonyee · 08/03/2010 09:52

When he does do stuff be appreciative and thank him. Also say how much the 'kids are enjoying spending more time' with him. Encourage the kids to tell him how much enjoy being with him; 'Daddy we LOVE it when you do breakfast'. This will tug at the ole heart strings. I was in the same boat. I now choose my battles (there are so many! women do it ALL!!!) and make sure to show my appreciation and it seems to be working. Also stop doing so much. Let the place start to look like a tip, don't buy groceries etc n tell him 'I am so busy, there are just not enough hours in the day, would you mind doing a quick shop for us?'

One I stopped making things appear so in order (he never realized the work that went into it) he took notice. I also stopped picking up his dirty socks and underwear! I noticed he is now even doing the laundry sometimes now..,.

ClaraJo · 08/03/2010 09:56

I found knocking long lie-ins on the head has actually made me feel much less grotty. Otherwise I end up with a sleep hangover. I am now up by 8.30 at the absolute latest at weekends (I get up at 6.45 during the week). DP is incapable of lying in. If anything, he gets up earlier at weekends (often with the sunrise) to make the most of his time off. Once DS is up, we both get up anyway, even if I've been up with him in the night.

I've spent years trying to become more of a morning person, because I used to feel so bullied by my ex maliciously calling me a lazy cow if I slept in. But on the flip side, my ex quite often used to have an afternoon nap (in his 20s/30s!!!) which I found revolting - slobby, antisocial and unattractive. He obviously regarded me having a lie-in as similarly unappealing. So that's why I said goodbye to the notion of lie-ins when I met my partner, and actually, I don't really miss them.

minxofmancunia · 08/03/2010 09:58

yes our lie ins (if we're in bed before midnight which is pretty standard end at about 9.30 for me 10.00am latest for dh.

usually both up about 9. If we went to bed at 11.00pm and slept ok there's not need to stay in bed longer than 10 hours!!! Obviously if we've been out late say until 2.00am or up in the night with ds (which is common unfortunately) we might stay in bed but tbh despite that we're always both up before 10.0am. Not because of nagging each other but because we're awake and wanting to do stuff.

Am a bit about adults who stay in bed until lunchtime on a regular basis...lazy (judgey emoticon). We've been to stay with certain friends before and one of the parents (usually the dh tbh) stays in bed til 11am and therest of us are just milling around the rest of the house waiting until we can properly start the day. Bloody lazy.

Saying that both me and dh often have afternoon naps. Him for half an hour or so me sometimes for 2 hours! Disclaimer, this is because I'm regularly awake most of the night due to insomnia and ds and have no oppotunity for catch up naps in the week.

minxofmancunia · 08/03/2010 10:01

Gosh ClaraJo you'd struggle on the continent where most epople are slbby lazy and unattractive oh and "revolting". It's pretty standard to ahve naps over there

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClaraJo · 08/03/2010 11:25

minx - ah, but on the continent I don't think they're having siestas to get out of doing stuff!! That's what my ex used to use his naps for. And he'd do it when we had people round too, which I thought was bloody rude. Gosh, I'm not having a go at anybody else who has a daytime nap. But he'd often fall asleep with a beer in his hand, and the telly on. Euch.

saslou · 08/03/2010 11:53

Hav thought about this quite a bit since saturday. I get up several times a night with dd and up by 7am mon-fri to get dc ready for school. My dh does work very hard and also does a lot of driving which is why I have tended to get up and let him sleep. However, I am currently getting so little proper sleep that I am starting to feel run down physically(skin looking horrible etc).With this in mind I have decided to start sharing things out a bit more fairly at the weekend,sleepwise. Got dh to get up with dc on sunday. This had added bonus that he got to speak to MIL when she phoned at 9.30, not me!

mumblechum · 08/03/2010 11:59

How old are your kids? TBH once ours were old enough to pour out their own cereal and switch on CBBs (about 3 iirc), we just lay in till 10ish.

anniebear · 08/03/2010 12:03

I get up Saturday, he gets up Sunday

Jux · 08/03/2010 12:05

We have one morning each. Mind you, I have to get up at a relatively sensible time on Saturday to do the shopping so generally don't get to stay in bed past 10, though, tbh, I'd like to be there until 12!

It annoys me that dh gets up at 7.30ish both mornings anyway. I always think "but if you were getting up anyway (on Sunday eg) then I could have stayed in bed for aaaaaages". I do have to get lunch on and it usually needs to be in the oven before 9.30.

anniebear · 08/03/2010 12:07

I get up Saturday, he gets up Sunday

SolidGoldBrass · 08/03/2010 12:13

I think that if you have a male partner who thinks, fundamentally, that men are more important than women and women exist to service men and children, you have to crack down firmly and often. WOrk out what needs to be done and what his and your fair shares are (first priority is to junk ALL unnecessary domestic fannying around, most women do far too much housework. A bit of dust won't kill anyone and constant cleaning is bad for the environment). The fairest way to work it out is that both partners have an equal amount of child-free, chore-free time.

PSCMUM · 08/03/2010 12:14

I can't actually bear posts like this. Why don't you just kick him into touch???! What are you showing your children about gender equality?! That it is non existent. Of course your DH is more at fault for being a lazy git, but you also have some control over this situation. Tell him he has to get up half the time or the kids will be left on their own to trash the house and then he will have to clear that up as you are not doing it. It just beggars belief that in 2010 families are still operating in this way. International Womens Day was at the weekend. Use that as your impetus for reform and get some equality going on woman!

berniew · 08/03/2010 13:27

So glad i came accross this! Thought I was the only one in the world to never get a lie in. I am a SAHM (cringe at the term) and partner works all week and sometimes a saturday too. I always let him have a lie in on sunday morning, which he takes full advantage of by staying in bed til about 10. I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with no.2 and have not had one lie in throughout the very tiring first trimester. I fell asleep while DS was having his nap on sunday and instead of bf getting DS up and leaving me to rest he woke me up to tell me he was going to get him up. I'M FED UP with it. Just one lie in is all i ask.
Haaaaa ( deep breath)

PSCMUM · 08/03/2010 14:06

well why don't you ask???? what happens when you ask?
get the power back! you are a person with basic rights too you know!

berniew · 08/03/2010 19:19

I have asked and he says he will but then either won't get up so i'm lying in bed listening to the wee one crying or he somehow justifies himself- he works long hours and a long week blah blah blah so i end up feeling guilty and giving in. I know- I'm pathetic!
Definitely having one this weekend though- have told him already and if he doesn't keep his word there will be hell to pay!!!

verytellytubby · 08/03/2010 23:10

DH does Saturday. I do Sunday. Although the last month DC's have got up and put the TV on and made breakfast. Breakthrough. We both slept in until 10!

skinsl · 08/03/2010 23:19

sorry... I don't understand... what does lie-in mean?!!!

WingedVictory · 09/03/2010 09:23

berniew, perhaps you ought to think about spending some time away from the family while DH is in charge. How small is your DS?Is this feasible?

My DH was out of work for 3 months at the beginning of last year, and his experience of being at home really taught him what a "SAHM" does all day. He was openly longing to get back to work "so he could have a rest", which was not exactly tactful to me, although I was pleased to see that he understood what he was leaving behind. I think it is probably this that made him so receptive to the one-lie-in-each arrangement.

I am not hoping your DH will be made redundant, of course (!), but if there is anyone you can go away to help, or be helped by (e.g. spend time with parents before you get too big with the baby), it would probably do him good. He will have to do a lot more when the baby is born, anyway, as DS will really need him and also want him (want someone who isn't attached to a boring baby).

BTW, waking you to tell you he is getting up is just being obnoxious. It's probably a good idea to start making complaints about stress and tiredness affecting the baby (and your relationship with DS).

sandyballs · 09/03/2010 09:38

When our twins were very small and I felt incredibly resentful and angry about the lack of help in the mornings from DH, I tried the banging about, being grumpy and throwing sarky comments at him. Needless to say it was water off a ducks back.

Then I changed tact and explained calmly and sensibly that I was completely exhausted, felt over-whelmed about everything that needed to be done with the girls and the home and I felt this was the reason that my sex drive was non-existent, and how I was sure with much more help from him we could overcome this. It seemed to work .

berniew · 10/03/2010 08:04

WingedVictory
Am in a difficult situation as my parent's aren't the best at babysitting duties. My mother especially is of the opinion she's 'done her childrearing'. I do feel quite unsupported a lot of the time- have done since DS was born really. Spoke to DP last night re how tired I was and how his behaviour has disappointed me- he seemed to take it on board, but only time (or the weekend!) will tell.

WingedVictory · 10/03/2010 13:28

berniew, he needs to start realising that he will have to do a lot more once the baby is born. But it would be good if he could start now! Otherwise, DS won't be able to transfer affections to him so easily, and there will be MASSIVE tantrums when the baby is born. Tantrums which will be DP's fault, actually. Poor DS.

Sorry about your parents.

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