Ok, I've namechanged.
Basically, recently things haven't been wonderful between DH and me. Things have just been strained and it has been one thing after another. DH is not very hands on with anything, he lives in his own little world which often comes across as selfish and recently it has been getting me very down, especially as I have recently been quite ill and suffering with exhaustion after traumas earlier in the year.
The thing is, I have spoken to him about these feelings so many times. And he looks at me with a forlorn expression on his face, and honestly I hear the phrase 'I wasn't thinking' or 'I didn't intend to..' at least every night. It is usually after 'forgetting' to do something important, or messing up money.
It is making me feel very depressed to be honest, and I don't feel like I have any support or anybody to look after me. I look after him and the house and our daughter, and usually don't sit down with my own tea until 11pm. But when he says things will change, they never do, and when I say it he looks at me with that sheepish expression and says 'But I thought things were getting better, I did the pots last night and bought you a bag of crisps from the shop.' (Seriously) And he expects that everything should be forgotten.
There are several things he has done to hurt me over the course of our 4 year relationship, and just before I found out I was pregnant with DD, I found some rather disturbing porn on the computer. Something along the lines of 'Mums&Teens' and it really disturbed me, and despite my questions he said there was no particular reason behind it, nothing sinister. And so then when I found out I was pregnant I forgave him and he has stayed away from those things since. But there were other things back then, like when I was very depressed and suicidal when a close relative died he ignored my pleas for help and went out for the night saying he needed a break from me etc.
However since DD was born, it's been smaller things, just acts of selfishness, us not coming first and him blaming it on 'not thinking', and recently I have been doing a lot of thinking about our marriage and whether i want to continue with this. Am I wrong to still take into account the situation with the porn and other incidents, despite them being a couple of years ago? I just can't help but evaluate our marriage as a whole, but DH thinks I am wrong to take those things into account. But honestly, they still hurt, and everything he does now that hurts me just piles on top. The porn thing especially bothers me since having my daughter, and I am still niggled by what he liked about it despite it being a couple of years ago.
Sorry for such an essay, I hope somebody can make head and tail of all this. My brain just feels like mush!