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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this couple need a kick in the pants?

26 replies

Sukie1971 · 05/03/2010 19:43

A colleague of DH has just become the proud father of his first DS. He has a DD with his XP, and a DD with his new wife.

Birth announcements state "A & B are proud to announce the safe arrival of our son, brother to C"

No mention of his eldest daughter, yet he has her every other weekend so is still involved in her life.

I feel so sad for his eldest daughter, yet I also know its none of my business really.

Opinions please.

OP posts:
heQet · 05/03/2010 19:51

Yes, it's very sad. Also, like you say, none of your business, so nothing to be done.

Actually, I'm not being honest. In this situation I would instruct my husband to say "congratulations mate, I saw your notice in the paper. your daughters must both be thrilled about their little brother"

ChippingIn · 05/03/2010 20:10

It seems mean to leave her out. I wonder if it was done so as not to upset the ex (who knows the background??) - mind you, I think if I couldn't put 'step-brother of DD' because it would kick off with the ex, then I wouldn't have put the notice in at all... tbh I can't believe people still do that.

I hope, that in other ways, they are not excluding his older daughter

MrsPixie · 05/03/2010 20:13

very sad i agree with you

thisisyesterday · 05/03/2010 20:15

is this a birth announcement card type thing that they have sent to people? or a newspaper type one?

if the latter then it's perfectly possible that a well-meaning friend/relative has done it for them and stupidly not thought about it properly

Heated · 05/03/2010 20:17

Depends on who put the notice in (could be his wife's gps for instance) or what the situation is with the ex, but yes, with all things being equal the announcement ought to have included eldest dd or none of the dds.

LampostMadeMeBald · 05/03/2010 20:18

your colleague is a prize cock

lovechoc · 05/03/2010 20:18

I would imagine it was an oversight, whoever put the birth announcement in the newspaper (if it was a newspaper one). Very much doubt it was deliberate!

Original poster
Sukie1971 · 05/03/2010 20:20

It was on facebook of all things. The fathers account.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/03/2010 20:22

maybe he has people on facebook who don't know about his other daughter?

lovechoc · 05/03/2010 20:22

hmm, does seem strange then if he's done the announcing himself on his own account that'd he'd forget the eldest one.

Papillon · 05/03/2010 20:28

How often do new wives/partners, new families want to include XP children into their secular family unit?? General rule of thumb... not so often. Its a trauma reflection and a ripple of josling for hierarchy on the relationship ladder. As much as we attempt such things as equal or PC generally in the Animal Kingdom... which includes Humans.

My opinion is to send them ALL thoughts and feelings of love and blessings and not judgement.

foreverastudent · 05/03/2010 21:26

I wouldn't expect any different.

If the elder daughter is only there every other weekend she is not going to be a sister in the same way as the younger sister will be.

scardypants · 05/03/2010 21:39

a sibling is a sibling no matter what. My dd has a sister living in a different county and only sees her once or twice a month but she is still her sister and has a great relationship with her. I'm actually quite hurt by that last comment.

StewieGriffinsMom · 05/03/2010 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

foreverastudent · 05/03/2010 21:52

Genetically there is a significant difference between a full blood and half blood sibling.

Two children, with different mothers, brought up in different households will have a different relationship than those of one mother raised together.

thesecondcoming · 05/03/2010 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chipmonkey · 05/03/2010 22:15

Technically, foreverastudent, that is true. But, in the grand scheme of things, this older child is the baby's sister and should be acknowledged as such. My niece spends a lot of weekends with her Dad and two little half-brothers but she refers to them as her "brothers", helps to look after them and adores them. I know she would have been very upset not to have been mentioned in a similar announcement.

Original poster
Sukie1971 · 05/03/2010 22:23

foreverastudent that's a very sad viewpoint. The eldest daughter is no less important than any subsequent children, and the step-mother should remember that if she takes on a man with children, she takes them on too. I take it you'd be happy for your children to be disregarded by their father and his new wife if that situation occurred in your life?

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 05/03/2010 22:30

Yes, I would have expected it to read 'brother to DD1 and DD2'. I would have phrased it that way too, because who goes around saying 'my half brother' in daily life? Most people I know in this position say 'my brother/sister' regardless of whether they are half or full, I expect because life's too short to worry about all the nuances.

Agree that it is a real shame to leave the older DD out. Even if she will never see it or know, it makes a statement about how they see their family and it's clearly as one she doesn't have a proper place in.

StewieGriffinsMom · 05/03/2010 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

scardypants · 05/03/2010 22:36

A rocket scientist! Talk about stating the obvious, ffs. Of course there's a genetic difference, of course children raised by different mothers in different households are going to have a different relationship than those raised together by the same mother!

They are still sisters and deserve to have their relationship nurtured just as much as sisters living together.

mummytowillow · 05/03/2010 22:59

That is sad, when we had our daughter we had a photograph of her step brothers and her when she was 2 weeks old, had it made into a birth announcement card and it was gorgeous. The only person who didn't like it was my mother but thats another story

SolidGoldBrass · 06/03/2010 02:56

This man and his current partner are fuckwit monogamist mundanes. Oh yes they are. And it will bite all of them on the arse sooner or later.

macdoodle · 06/03/2010 07:18

How sad I have a horrific story with my XH, he had a baby with the OW, she is 5 months older than my DD2!
I have never met her, and have nothing to do with her or the OW, and my realtionship with XH is strained to say the least!
However, I ALWAYS refer to her as my DD's sister, and my DD's talk about her frequently and fondly Its not her fault that ehr parents are both twunts of the highest order, she IS my DD's sister and they love her!
Jeez I hate it that adults are incapable of being adults, and can be pretty certain XH and OW to not treat my girls with the same resepct!

Janos · 06/03/2010 09:18

Well technically it's none of your business but YANBU to feel sad about it.

My DS has a brand new (1 months old) baby half brother (his dad is remarried) and I would be very hurt on his behalf if he was excluded from his extended family like this. Thank god that hasn't happened - he refers to him as his baby brother (no halfs) and talks about him quite freely.

Hi macdoodle , agree with you there 100% about the children needing to come first.

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