Am I being controlling or demanding he be responsible?

[thisxgirl]

I admittedly can have a propensity to be a little bit demanding so need to know if it's me or DP in the wrong here.

Yesterday and the day before 7 month old DS has had diarrhoea and vomiting. Wasn't keeping very much of anything in, wouldn't drink much water and I was concerned about dehydration.

Wednesday night (the first night of D&V) DP was supposed to look after DS alone from 6-7pm while I went out but at 6.30 he rang me to ask me to come home and help him because DS had thrown up all his milk and was very distressed and DP didn't know what to do for the best. Came home and DS was fast asleep in his cot and DP exclaimed that he has new appreciation for how hard my job can be and he couldn't imagine how stressed I must be feeling having had to have dealt with that all day.

Yesterday daytime DS seemed to be slowly improving so I didn't call the doctor. Come 4pm DP has finished work a bit early and declares he is going to go back out with a friend for a drive and a pint in the much-anticipated first real sunshine of the year, followed by a little shopping excursion for some new trousers. I would have LOVED to go for a drink in the sunshine with DP - we rarely go anywhere together anymore because, awfully, he thinks it's easier for him to pop out and do these things alone/with friends than to take DS and all the preparations that come with that - but as DS wasn't very well, that wasn't an option for me. We've already exhausted babysitting options this week anyway as it's my birthday soon and we have two baby-less events planned.

In fairness he hasn't been out for a pint for weeks but he does see and relax with his friends almost every day. I told him he was selfish and irresponsible - didn't he think I would just love to up and leave for a drink at a moment's notice after a long day, rather than stay in on my own for further hours? He told me I was controlling.

In the end he didn't go for the pint or the shopping because we both took DS to the doctor (all fine) but I still don't know if I was right or wrong?

I don't think YABU to want to either spend time with your dp or without him and without the baby. He was being a little BU to just announce his intent.
How old is he? Maybe his idea of being a dad is different to the reality. I know my dh had to readjust his rose tinted specs. 44 years he had pleasing only himself (and me), then along comes a force of nature. Luckily for us, he and I adjusted well. It sounds to me as if yours hasn't.

My message sounds as if it were written by that hairy thing on starwars. I hope you can get the drift though.

Nope, YAdefNBU

'You didn't think I was fucking controlling yesterday when you rang me to come home and look after DS because you couldn't cope!?!?!? Your new appreciation of how hard it is for me didn't last long did it?!?!?!? Have you arranged a baby sitter then because I am off out - leave, slam....'

Would have just come out of my mouth... of course I'd of ended up outside without keys, purse, coat...

YANBU - but there are prob diff ways to get your point across effectively. Unfortunately, when you're in a longterm relationship, esp when there are kids involved, you both have fiancial responsibilities and care obligations.

Your DP can't just take himself out for a drive and a pint with his mate at a moment's notice - that's def unfair to you. But if he says that's what he's going to do (and as you said, he hasn't been out for a pint in weeks) and instead of calmly reasoning with him that he ought to pick a better moment or to make plans in advance, you tell him he's selfish and irresponsible then he's def going to react negatively and give in with bad grace.

I think the only way to avoid resenting each other is to try and devise some kind of system, so you get time off to go out and see your friends and family and go shopping/out for dinner/whatever while DP babysits and then vice versa. You'll still need to factor in ways to spend time together and he will need to understand that in the event of a sick child all pre-exissting plans might need to be cancelled. But once you've discussed it with him when you're both feeling a bit less fraught then it'll be easier to find solutions.