to be p****d off with my husband again!

[stepfordmum]

Think I just need a rant, hope thats ok! I am completely fed up with my dh, I just feel like he has no respect for me, yesterday he went out to lunch and didn't get back in until the early hours of this morning, I don't actually mind him going out but I do feel that it is only common courtesy to let me know he is going to be late. (especially as the night before my dd and I were ill with stomach ache, for the first time ever (she is 3) he had to get up in the night to her everytime because it hurt too much to stand up) He could have at least called to check how we were feeling! Then this morning, he laid in probably hung over so was late to work (he is the boss so can get away with it but even so its not very professional).
The thing is he does this all the time, about a month ago, he didn't get in until 4 am (after staying he might stay out about midnight and then me not hearing from him again) and then lay in bed until 3 pm the next day. I just feel p**d off that I never get to do that and my late nights aren't through choice they are caused by getting up to my dd.
She has been ill loads lately and last week he went out knowing she was unwell, got back late and basically passed out in bed whilst I had to get up to dd about 5 times. Sorry for the ramblings, but I really am fed up with it and feeling resentful to the point I am thinking that it might be over!

Have you asked him why he is acting so selfishly?

YANBU - don't put up with it!

YANBU. An adult would let someone know if they were going to be late.

If my dh tried behaving like that I'd be wearing his bollocks as earrings. Not acceptable.

YANBU. lunch does not last until 3am - it might be a diff story if you were always off doing the same thing with your own mates but it doesn't sound like you are and anyway you're both parents so he can't get away with acting like that. you and your daughter have to start coming first.

i think if these illnesses are so bad/frequent....get to a doctor!

also,you say he does this 'all the time'...unchallenged? he obviously feels its his right.

yanbu...he is....but he's felling he's justified..

You need to rant all right. To him.

Thank you all so much for making me feel like I am not in the wrong (a couple of weeks ago when he didn't let me know he was going out after work I confronted him and it turned out to be my problem for not asking why his day was so bad he'd had to go out drinking! Its not as if he normally needs an excuse to get pissed!). That is why I don't tend to challenge him.

Thanks for advice ThreeBlondeBoys, We have been to the Drs a lot, but thats a different rant all together!

Am dreading him getting in from work tonight as no doubt he doesn't even think he has done anything wrong and I'm so bad at confrontation instead I won't be able to help giving him the cold shoulder for the weekend and we'll all end up having a sh*t time!

stepfordmum Have you ever thought of giving him a taste of his own medicine? Could you take yourself and dd to your parents house or a friends or somewhere else for the night. If he comes home at stupid o'clock in the morning to find you both not there it might be the wakeup call he needs.

And the answer to "Why didn't you tell me you were going to stay with your Mum?" is either "You weren't here for me to tell you" or "You didn't ask".

He thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable in your relationship and you need to show him it isn't.

Good Luck.

YANBU.

But when you speak to him about it try not to rant, instead stick to the facts and work out what you believe to be reasonable. He has responsibilities and he needs to face up to those.

CarrieJF, I often think of doing something like that, but I am too scared because he is the kind of person who would just say f*ck you then if you want to play games and tell me to stay wherever I was.

He has sent me a text now saying he has booked me a massage for tomorrow, which I know is lovely, but it doesn't make me feel any better as it doesn't make the way he acts acceptable. In his mind it does.

Bit late now, but stepford, did you ask him why he'd booked you a massage?

NB a lot of us self-censor our behaviour because, fundamentally, we are afraid of our partners' reactions - you say above that you feel if you went off somewhere without telling him, in order to show him your anger, he would immediately end the marriage in an unpleasant way. I wonder if that's the case. I'd recommend trying not to censor yourself so much. you might be amazed at how he reacts - he might back down a lot more quickly than you think. that doesn't mean you have to be furious all the time, but it's important to try to be true to what you really feel most of the time IMO. A lot of people, like your dh at the moment, do what they can get away with, and blame you for not saying anything. If you tell him that you feel angry and upset when he doesn't let you know what's happening, well, he can't deny it, you're telling him what you feel. I think a bit more truth in your relationship might be less disastrous than you think. Good luck.

op two questions, sorry, but to the point.another woman/and or depression get to the bottom of it quick.

Look, i dont want to get hold of the wrong end of the stick,,but are you sure he is with the "boys" until the early hours?

YANBU, but it sounds like you need to start talking more. His comment about you not asking why his day was bad enough that he needed to go out drinking is an indication that he might not be feeling happy either. You have every right to be angry, but bring it up in the context of a serious, calm conversation, and lay out your feelings; don't accuse, and find out where he's at too.

Do you really want to stay with him? if so then you need a talk, and poosibly to sort out boundaries. If not, then plan a safe way to leave, leave and stay left!

Sorry, I should have asked, does he drink far too much on a regular basis?

Thank you all for your advice.

I don't think there is another woman involved, I didn't use to trust him given his history prior to me but I do now.

Yes Oldernowiser he does drink too much, he doesn't drink at home but he does binge drink once or twice a week and I think he goes to the pub most days at lunch time and has a couple.

You are right MudandRoses and Choosyfloosy we do need to talk more and I don't find it easy but I am trying.

I managed to be surprisingly grown up when he got home on Friday and wasn't off with him, I just said that basically his behaviour is disrespectful to me and our marriage and I was near the edge. I reminded him of something someone had told him once "you can only push a woman so far and once you go beyond that there is no going back". I don't really want to end our marriage but I can't go on feeling so sad on such a regular basis, so I just hope it hit home and he starts making an effort.

Unfortunately I now have something more important to worry about, my dd's health following another drs visit this morning, so am just going to post about that to hopefully get some re-assurance!