to expect a reply from my ex??

[LittleMissSnowShine]

Sorry, this is a really long post!! But there's a bit of background to fill you in on, so please bear with me

I've known my ex since we were both 15 and in school together. We had an on and off relationship in our mid-teens but between the ages of 17 and 22 we were in a pretty stable, quite intense relationship. We both spent a lot of time with each other's families, had a lot of shared friends in common and spent a lot of time at each other's flats.

A fortnight before my 21st birthday I had a miscarriage. We hadn't been planning to have kids at all, and I hadn't even known I was pregnant because my cycles are v irregular. I was devestated afterwards, was diagnosed with PCOS and had a load of emotional and physical health problems. But I managed to finish my degree and try to get on with things. My ex, however, showed very little empathy, at one stage admitting he was relieved I'd had a miscarriage because he wasn't ready to be a father, and despite his utter lack of support for me, he still expected me to support him through various things he was going through that year.

It took a long time, but about a year after all of this happened (a year during which our relationship gradually broke down), I eventually ended things. I tried to do it as gently and as kindly as possible because, despite what he had put me through, I felt massively guilty for being the one to end things.

This was 4 years ago and 6 months after our break-up, I met the man who was to become my DH. My ex moved to a different part of the country and we met very infrequently, although his mum and brother still live very near me and I meet his brother out and about every few months. We still share friends in common, though, and we do sporadically keep in touch and meet up maybe once a year, and when I told him I'd gotten engaged in 2008 he sent me a really nice message wishing me all the best and his hopes that everything would work out and I'd be happy.

We got married last summer and I'm now 15 weeks pregnant. Our families and a lot of our friends know now. I know that my ex will find out about the news eventually, either because someone will mention it to his brother, or I'll meet his brother and he'll notice my bump, or a mutual friend will let it slip in front of him.

I know it's really none of his business, but I tried to imagine myself in his shoes and I know that if him and his gf were having a baby I'd prefer not to find the news out secondhand. So I thought the most respectful thing to do was to drop him a short email to tell him the news. I kept it short and upbeat, but I really tried not to sound gloating or like I wanted to rake up the past or anything.

This was 5 days ago and I know he's seen the email by now since he would usually check his email most days. But I haven't heard anything from him at all. aibu to expect even just a text or an email to say congrats or to wish me all the best or just ANYTHING at all??

SGM hit the nail on the head. I dont want to say YABU, possibly a little precious though.

Thanks for your advice - I completely know what you mean. It's so stupid and awkward. If I didn't tell him and he found out through a friend or if I met his mum down the shops when I'm 6 months gone, I do know that it would annoy him to find out like that.

But, equally, I would guess (and hope) that he's really not all that interested in my personal life any more so telling him felt like a weird thing to do as well. I guess sometimes, when it comes to your ex, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't lol

I heard a story once about a woman who was moving to a beautiful new house.
She decided to pay for professional packers to move all her stuff and when they asked her what she wanted packing she just said, 'Everything'.

When she got to her new house and started to unpack she found that they had literally packed everything, including all the rubbish from the bins, the garden waste, old newspapers, everything.
The woman realised that she didn't want to bring all that old stuff to her beautiful new home.

I know its hard to let the past go. When we have links with people that are so deep because we formed such strong bonds, even when those bonds don't really deserve the loyalty we give them, then its hard to ket go.

You have a beautiful new life, with a dh and the most precious baby on the way!

We only have limited energy in this life! Give it all to your new life.

It may sound daft, but may be have a little private ceremony for yourself to say goodbye to the past and really enjoy what you have.
YNBU you're just being human, but move on!

Best of luck

Seanchai

Good idea - like that boyfriend bonfire they do on friends and all the hot firemen have to turn up to put it out!! lol

I think you're right, at the heart of it although I'm over my ex and I've moved on, it's probably always bothered me that he never seemed to care in the slightest about the child we conceived together that never made it. I know my previous exp of MC has made this preg v difficult for me - I've been constantly worried and stressed that something will go wrong.

And I suppose I just wanted to draw a line under the whole thing, 5 years after my MC, by letting him know that I'm preg again. I think that if he just replied, no matter what he said, I'd feel like I had some closure on the whole thing.

But you're right, life is too short and there's not enough energy to keep investing in the past like that. A goodbye ceremony sounds like a great idea, thanks Seanchai

Why on earth are you bothered about him at all? He is out of your life, has nothing to do with it. He is little more than a random stranger now.

It would never occur to me to let any of my old boyfriends know what I was up to etc. If they hear through the grapevine then that's what happens, but it's nothing to do with him.

Why on earth would you want to hear from him directly if he were having a baby? It's none of your business.

Forget him. It sounds to me like he's moved on but you haven't.

could be anything. He may not care anymore or he may not want to be reminded of a time in his life that he possibly regrets how he acted/thinking of the fact that he could be the one you had a child with.

Jux - you're right, he is out of my life. But as I mentioned we do stay in touch from time to time, we were together on and off for 7 years after all and we have a lot of history and friends in common. He got in touch with me at Christmas to see if I wanted to meet up for a drink in our local, as it worked out he ended up getting snowed in while visiting his dad's side of the family so it didn't work out. So, ok, we don't see each other much or speak often but we do email or run into each other every 3 or 4 months, so I do feel like it would be a bit snide to just act like he doesn't deserve to know about it when all our mutual friends do.

But I think you're all right - def time to move on. If he replies, fair enough. But if not, I def can't afford to waste any more energy thinking about it. Thanks everyone, v helpful

I think you have a point about not letting him hear it second-hand. However, as you haven't mentioned the exact wording of the letter, it's difficult to tell whether he is likely to have been stunned, offended or pleased/relieved.

But don't expect to hear something after five days. For one thing, that's so little time that it doesn't mean a thing (he could be on holiday, or ill), and for another, he may just think of it as a one-sided communcation. I once e-mailed an ex to let him know a mutual friend had been bereaved, so the ex could do something if he wanted to (ex was far away, so not sure whether he would have heard). I asked him not to respond, and he didn't, but I felt pleased I had done it. Yours could be a similar kind of communication.

I don't think you need to leave your 'ex' in the past, you seem to have a reasonable friendship now - why spoil it?

There are a lot of reasons he may not have responded - don't worry about it. Maybe in a weeks time send another email saying that you were a bit suprised not to have heard from him, so you just want to check he'd received the email. Just let him know that as he's a friend you wanted to let him know personally and not find out on the 'grapevine'.

As you've been keeping in touch I can't see the problem - unless you've been keeping in touch via text so far and his new partner doesn't know, but has read your email wondering why you are telling him this?? Possibility??