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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to "ignore" my tantrum-ing/stroppy 2 year old

23 replies

pamelat · 04/03/2010 21:57

DD is 25 months and since about 18 months has had frequent tantrums/strops, some of which are full blown, a lot are general whining and throwing of self on floor

I am 30 weeks pregnant and struggling with this sort of behaviour, more so than normal. I am just tired.

She can obviously be an angel too and nursery tell me she is a star if "one of our most high spirited"

Today, I feel that I was a rubbish mum this morning. She woke up a bit too early for her, about 620am (she is better if she sleeps untli 7am ish). She was in a bad mood from the outset but got progressively worse.

We had play date friends round for tea and cake and she knows she is not allowed to jump on the sofa but kept insisting. I would take her down, tell her no and she would lie on the floor and scream (I dont know these play date friends very well yet but fortunately they also ignored her and we attempted to carry on with our conversation over her).

Anyway, I would say she had 4 tantrums and 8 strops in the space of 5 hours this morning and I literally ignored each one. I told myself you are meant to do this but I literally carried on cleaning up and getting her lunch ready etc around her.

I found I could just shut off and in fact found her just a little too noisy in the end!!

DH says I should have tried to reason with her, although he knows how difficult she can be.

I feel bad as she said to me at lunch "My teeth hurt mummy" but I am not sure that they did???? Ooops, hope not. I think she was just trying to make up with me, as I often say to her "do your teeth hurt honey". Would feel terrible if thought she had been in genuine discomfort and I ignored her?

OP posts:
heQet · 04/03/2010 21:59

nope. you should see me ignore my kids mid-meltdown I have been known to step over them to fetch myself a book to read [evil]

MaureenMLove · 04/03/2010 22:03

Oh, I used to do the 'step over' too!

I still ignore her trantrums and she's 14!

skinsl · 04/03/2010 22:04

i think if it gets too much, and they are obviously trying for attention or swinging the lead, then ignoring them is the perfect response!!
I do sometimes think they feed off your emotions though, it just happens that if I'm having a bad day, he usually does too!
Mine now tries everything, thirsty mummy, food mummy, weewee mummy, hair mummy? don't know what that one was!

Can't be easy trying to deal with her when you are so tired. give yourself a break. Question though.. why do you often say " do your teeth hurt"??!!

BlueBumedFly · 04/03/2010 22:04

Ignore, with no audience it simply is not worth the effort

TottWriter · 04/03/2010 22:05

YANBU. That's my tactic for dealing with DS when he gets in a hissy fit. Well, unless he's throwing things or doing something else which is potentially dangerous. Sometimes I wll pick him up and pop him on the sofa if he's lying on the floor screaming, as then he's out of the way.

Still, I'm 20wks pregnant now, so I imagine before long I'll have to just walk around him. Yes, you can try saying 'no' or 'stop', but they're too young to reason with at this age, so it's pointless continuing to try if they don't calm down the first or second time you say something.

thehillsarealive · 04/03/2010 22:08

lmao - ignore her, i think that is the only tactic.

so YANBU. they do grow out of it... when they are about 25!

bernadetteoflourdes · 04/03/2010 22:09

Do you get any warning signs, you know when it starts to build up can you head the strop off at the pass so to speak? Ignoring is a good tactic but it takes preeverance and is hell on the nerves. I coach little ones and do ignore the tantrums unless there is any danger to child, if I gave in to each one we would not get any where. The usual flash points are when they all want the pink ribbons but I say I have a magic choosing hand and we dont know what we are going to get. I had one little girl stamp her foot and say I am going to tell my daddy on you, because I would not give her something she wanted. But you are right not to give in as we can see the ones who have their every whim catered for by parents. IMHO they are all pretty much angelic at the Nurseries and fairly gorgeous and I think they save the steam venting for the poor parents at home. Hang on in there I bet you are doing a fab job
and she will grow out of it. XXX

bernadetteoflourdes · 04/03/2010 22:10

perseverance

ScreaminEagle · 04/03/2010 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlueBumedFly · 04/03/2010 22:17

I ignore but here is a question. My DD is almost 3 and is going through a stage of ignoring me when I ask her to do things, teeth brushing, coat on, bedtime etc. the usual stuff.

The other night I was tired from work and done with her stalling so ended up saying (well shouting) 'don't keep ignoring my every request' to whit she replied 'Mummy ignores me'. hmmmm, am I teaching her to ignore if she is not hearing what she likes?

Still ignoring tantrums but it makes me think?

heQet · 04/03/2010 22:21

no, you don't ignore them when they talk, you ignore them when they scream, shout and chuck themselves about and you make a BIG point of talking with them when they calm down.

you are teaching them that yelling and throwing themselves about gets them nowhere, talking is the way to go.

You don't ignore her when she is talking, do you? just when she is yelling?

ScreaminEagle · 04/03/2010 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlueBumedFly · 05/03/2010 07:35

Oh no, I never ignore her when she is talking! Sorry if that's how it sounded. Just when crying/screaming over not getting her own way. She is just being a monkey at the moment and stretching boundries to their very limits. I am ever so tired as have been crazy busy at work as well and am a bit short of patience sadly. Bad mother.

heQet · 05/03/2010 07:43

as well as ignoring mine, stepping over them etc, I did other things.

These were mainly for my amusement which sounds cruel, but you HAVE to find a way to laugh because it calms you down and helps you cope.

So sometimes I'd wibble their lips while they were yelling. or move my hand over their mouths to make them make a waaa-waaa-waaa-waaa sound.

And sometimes I'd suddenly burst into song or dance, leaving them

Sometimes I'd yell along with them

So really, I'm not sure whether it was the ignoring, or mummy suddenly bursting into a loud and tuneless rendition of 'The Sun Has Got His Hat On' while they were rolling around the floor, screaming, that got them to give up on tantrums as a means of getting their own way.

Try it - you'll be amazed!

MuddyMamma · 05/03/2010 08:01

I ignore my sons (19mnts) tatrums. I have done this since he started having them and it works wonders, they dont last longer than a minite or 2.
He has even started to have silent paddys where he will lay on his tummy face down and not move or make a sound
Once he stops I carry on as normal and talk/ play but stop straight away if he starts.
Cant give attention to tantrums as you are incoraging them to have more cos they get attention, good or bad they dont realy care

piscesmoon · 05/03/2010 08:08

Ignoring is the only thing to do.
There is absolutely no point in reasoning-they don't want to be reasonable! Even if it is something silly and a tantrum because you gave them the blue cup and they wanted a red cup and you swap it for the red they will carry on with the tantrum because it is all too late and they don't want the red any more!
They need the message that it will get them nowhere! Once they stop, is the time to reason and tell them that you can't possibly understand when they scream and shout and that if they want something they will have to explain calmly.It takes some longer than others to grasp this simple truth!! Good luck.

Original poster
pamelat · 05/03/2010 08:41

oh thank you all, feel much better today (maybe you are right, maybe my mood rubs off on her - she isnt the only one who feels worse if she gets up early )

Today she slept until 730am and seems fine at the moment

No, I dont ignore her talking to me, only stropping. In fact most other people say I dont ignore her enough. She is a real chatter box and we seem to constantly chat to eat other, to my DH's amusement. He says he has to shut off from time to time. We are at that constant, "look mummy" "watch mummy" stage with everything but thats ok. Its the tantrums I cant handle (at the moment).

Had a big row in bed with DH last night which led to a 2 hour chat about things. We both told one another some home truths and one of mine was that I need to accept life is hard and that pre children we both had it too easy, which is why we perhaps struggle now. Going to try harder today , am not a natural mum. Love her to bits but find it hard to give 100% of my time. I am naturally selfish I think.

PS) I ask if her teeth hurts as she often seems upset and am trying to work out whether its pain related, unfortunately I think she knows that trick now.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 05/03/2010 18:01

I don't think it is good to give 100% of your time-you need a break and she needs to be able to amuse herself. I would try just sitting down for a short while with a newspaper, book or magazine and saying 'Mummy is having 10 minutes reading quietly, you can do x, y or z by yourself and then we will........ and try getting her used to you both having your own time. If she isn't very good to start with give her a bit more direction as in 'see if you can.....to show me-(as a surprise when you have finished)'.

WingedVictory · 05/03/2010 22:24

DS is going through an on-the-ground phase, punctuated by a bit of upright thrashing-and-careering-about. I have had to lower him gently to the ground when doing the latter, so he doesn't hurt himself. It feels a caring thing to do, so my conscience is appeased, and his tantrum is not appeased!

Oh. He's nearly 2.

MrsNetz · 05/03/2010 22:34

Yes I do all of the above, ignore, step over, play with my phone, sit them ds and dd in corner till calm down!
I do sometime wish someone would put me inthe corner and let me stay there!!

Lol

Tori27 · 05/03/2010 23:43

My DD rarely has tantrums but when she does it tends to be in the first shop we go in when in town (so I get lots of "someone's tired of shopping" comments and I'm sure they don't believe me it's only the first shop). By the second shop she's fine. I was queuing in Argos recently and she started up - sounding like she's in agony. I sat her in the corner and ignored her until it was our turn. You should have seen the looks I got, until we started to move and I turned to her and lightly said "come on then, our turn". Instantly she stopped screaming and said "okay mummy" and held my hand - proving to everyone in the queue that nothing was in fact wrong.

DH also tries to reason with her... doesn't work just makes the screams louder! ;-)

MrsNetz · 06/03/2010 07:44

I woul like to delete my previous comment in this thread as clearly after this morning ds tantrum I have no idea what I'm talking about!!!!

UselessNetz

MrsNetz · 06/03/2010 08:57

Totally uselessnetz it wasn't ds it was dd tantrums see I better go back to bed!!!!

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