to be constantly annoyed with my ex?

[chattymitchie]

I haven't posted on here before, but i don't know any single mums and I'm getting so angry at my ex. He basically dumped me when i was pregnant because i didn't want to move away fronm my support network to the middle of nowhere to live with him. since then he's always said i#m controlling and a bully and selfish and evil. he chopped and changed his mind about whether he wanted to keep the baby, and i didn't feel like i could terminate it. he never offered any support during the pregnancy but always claimed he wanted to be a good parent. when i asked for help he said no, or just wouldn't commit. he rarely contacted me, but then weeks before the baby was born he decided he wanted to choose names, although I'd already spent months thinking about it. Luckily my parents stepped in, but it didn't stop him saying that I was using the baby against him, that i was controlling etc. he came to stay for a week when the baby was born, which was strange having him around all the time because we weren't together and really don't get on. in the end I got stressed having him around because i was trying to get to grips with being a mum, and I was very tired, and all he could say was that he'd read some books and he knew that I was hormonal - which really really hacked me off. then he was supposed to pay maintenance, but claimed that the things he'd bought in the first few days for his own son were his contribution for the month. So he has NEVER bought a gift for his child. And when put on the spot he said he only wanted to visit once a month, but still claims he wants to be a great dad. He wrote about me on facebook to a mutual friend, who now wont speak to me, and yet when I asked him what I had done he lied and said it wasn't about me. Then days later came to visit with his family the other day and I could barely speak to him I'm so annoyed. I wish he would just go away and leave us all in peace. I don't want his maintenance. he's just so pompous and arrogant about how he's a great guy, yet he does nothing above the bare minimum. If he wanted to be involved why doesn't he do it with good grace???

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. First, congratulations on you baby. Your ex sounds like a real charmer, you are probably well rid.

A good parent supports their child. Even if you don't want his money, he needs to contribute to the upbringing of the child he helped bring into the world. Contact the CSA. You can always put the money into an account for your child's education or a house deopsit later if you don't need it at the moment.

You also need to let him build a relationship with his child. However unfair it may seem, your child deserves to know their father. If he wants to be a good dad he at least deserves the opportunity to prove it. Is it possible to arrange a neutral place for him to visit? I know that in the beginning, especially if you are breasfeeding it may be difficult, but if you can find a place where you can be near, but not have to interract with him. So he wants to visit once a month? Fine. Set up a Sunday afternoon slot at maybe your parents. Let him prove that he's capable. (If you are feeling stressed, try and prime your child to do a really pooey nappy during that time )

Finally, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, step away from Facebook. It's evil incarnate.

it is so difficul knowing he has to get to know his child - because he uses that fact to say and do what he wants because he knows i wont punish him by saying he can't see his son. but if he doesn't get his own way about something he says i'm using the baby against him - so i just have to suck it up and take all his abuse. im totally fed up with it . for example - im taking a degree course at the moment which i will follow with a doctorate, basically so i can earn enough later to look after a growing boy - and the ex said that i was selfish to do my degree and that he felt sorry for his baby having such a bad mother. i just want him to go away

My DD1's 'real dad' got bored of all the baby stuff and refused to see her any more when she was five months old. Now he pays me through the CSA and I never see him, speak to him or hear from him. I don't even know where he lives.
He also did the 'I'll be a great dad' and brought his family and friends round unannounced; I think some men want to be seen as 'a good dad' as it will give them more status in the eyes of their mates or something.

Like you I gave him every opportunity to shape up; in the end the fault lay in him. Your ex may yet shape up, but don't feel sad if he doesn't because it is so much simpler without all of that bullshit making you sad and frustrated.

Can he meet up with your son without you but with somebody you trust? That way he won't be able to wind you up and he can waste his breath on the other person.

CSA calculator

Just because you have a child together, this does not mean you have to take any abuse. You don't have to have any contact with him at all. There are far wiser MNers than I who have successfully negotiated this minefield.

Check out the Student Parents forum. There are plenty of us who did degrees while gestating and worse. It's nothing out of the ordinary. Nor is it selfish to want to put yourself in a position where you can support your child.

Can I suggest a Voodoo doll and some deep breaths?

you need to stop communicating with him....only do the essential text/call/email about your baby....keep it child centred and dont get ibnvolved in any other conversation

use the csa.....contact and maintenence are separate issues

use a third party to facilitate his contact which should be little and often with a newborn....

keep to your side of the bargain,make your child available,and keep a diary of when he should see baby and when he actually DOES turn up

Slug is wise.

He is being a [expletive deleted] but your little boy deserves the chance of a dad.

Clearly you are going to have to lay down the terms a bit: he MUST pay maintenance, there must be regular visitation etc etc.

Unfotunately he is unlikely to turn into Model Dad and you probably have more of this to come, so if you can find the least stressful way of dealing with it now you will reap the rewards in coming years

hi nannynobnobs, my parents have said visits can happen at their house - but i feel bad that they are having to mediate. I'm old enough to deal with it but every time i try things deteriorate with him yelling and cursing, and me defending myself against illogical accusations. I just don't know how i can deal with him forever. What i worry about is that if he stops visiting, he'll make sure that he blames it on me, and one day he'll tell my son that i stopped him from visiting. bit frustrated by it all

i think you're right - i need to ignore what he does and says, and only communicate about the baby. what i'm wondering is - should i take the higher ground and just send him regular updates, or should i wait for him o ask? i'm not in the mood for being overly constructive at the momemt, as whilst he's claiming to be the good guy he's telling everyone else what a b1tch i am!

firstly i think the suggestion of giving him
a day and a time at your parents place if baby is still young, where u can have a break too even if its in another part of the house for his entire visit.

secondly what you do with your life is your own business and good on you for having ambition and wanting to further your career/education. Doesnt make you a bad mother makes you someone your child can look up too.

Dont enter into any conversation about your own life talk stricly baby only..sleeps x amount loves this toy etc....

ive an ex too who thinks a bday card and xmas card is his job done for another year

You don't have to see him. Your son can see him with a mediator if your ex behaves and is fit to be in the company of a baby. Having somebody mediate isn't a failure; it means your ex is a prick. He seems determined to dig and dig at you no matter what you do, because he enjoys it. Don't see him and he will not have any fuel.
Most right thinking people will see from a mile off what he is like and won't listen to a word of his badmouthing. If your son is happy, healthy and well cared for it will be apparent the minute they see him.
My ex wasn't aggressive, just lazy, apathetic and immature. DD1 now has a proper dad- he isn't her genetic one but he makes her cups of tea, gives her cuddles and picks her up from school. How the father behaves is what matters, not his inalienable right to see his offspring. If he's a knob head he jeopardises that right.

that's so true nannynobnobs - he seems to think he has a right to see his son no matter what! in the early days of pregnancy he dumped me, told me i'd lied when i'd said i loved him, then called me a f*king evil selfish btch because i'd decided to keep the baby without discussing termination ... then two days later insisted that he was allowed to come to my scan, and when i said no, he went bananas!

The more I read the more I think you are well rid of that one.

yep he's a real .

What was he like when you were with him? Good god. He sounds horrible and not a good role model for your DS at all. I definitely recommend supervised contact with somebody trusted, ie your parents like you said.
It sounds like he views your DS as property- something that is partly his, therefore he wants it purely because it's his property. Not because he cares or wants to be a real, loving father.
(I know your DS isn't an 'it' BTW just demonstrating the point! )

yes - that's EXACTLY it. he doesn't act like a loving caring father at all. he doesn't ask about the baby, he contributes the bare minimum, he has never bought his son a special gift .... yet bangs on about being a good dad to his 'first-born' - and that language really pisses me off. he's just making some warped point about my son beintg his property. fucked up. he actully told me id got pregnant on purpose ... what an idiot ... if i'd done it on purpose i would have chosen someone better looking, richer, more talented ...

You need to separate out your feelings from the situation. If he was just an evil ex, then yes, voodoo dolls at the ready, but he is, and always will be, the father of your child. CSA, as others have said (IMO you aren't entitled to turn down the money as it is your son's not yours)but also have a plan for contact that doesn't include you being around (even for handovers)