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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dp should meet my ex?

18 replies

jendaisy · 03/03/2010 23:25

I am 19 weeks pg with dc2, my dd is 5 and me and her dad split when she was 14 months.

Me and her dad have had our ups and downs over the years but things are pretty stable now and whilst I don't think he will ever be Father of the Year he is at least consistant in seeing dd every other weekend and paying a pittance towards her upkeep every month. And we get on well now, yes there are a lot of ways he could pull his weight more but I know he will not change so I just accept that and make things as smooth as possible for the sake of dd.

Now I have a new partner, we have only been together since last summer so this pg was quite rapid. He has never met my ex. My dp obviously spends a lot of time with dd as we live together and he genuinely loves her and really goes out of his way to make an effort with her, much more than her dad ever has tbh. DD is very comfortable around DP but also loves her dad so she has the best of both worlds.

Now my ex phoned up this evening to ask if me, DP and DD would like to go over for a meal, as he would like to meet him as he spends so much time around DD. He was very friendly in his tone and reiterated several times that 'he wasn't being weird', as in he was not after causing any trouble. I thought this sounded uncharacteristically mature of him and I was up for the idea, saying I would speak to DP and get back with him re when was a good night. So I put the phone down and run this past DP who basically hit the roof and said that he wasn't going to be forced into meeting him and he'd do it when he was good and ready, he didn't see why my ex had any right to meet him at all. Then he stomped around slamming doors for a bit and since then hasn't spoken to me.

So now I will have to phone my ex back and tell him that DP is not up for it, which is going to put his back up and start some stupid hostile thing between the two of them which I am going to get stuck in the middle of. I don't understand why DP is being like this, it doesn't have to be a big deal, I know he is not keen on going to my ex's but I said I'm sure my ex would be happy to meet in a pub or somewhere, he could hardly ask himself over here so that's probably why he suggested his place.

Aargh! What to do?

OP posts:

Missus84 · 03/03/2010 23:29

I think your ex has every right to meet the man who's living with your daughter! Don't have any advice for you I'm afraid but I hope your DP gets over himself and puts your little girl first.

JeMeSouviens · 03/03/2010 23:32

I think a meal is a little full on. I've only ever met DHs ex when she's walked into MILs while we've been there. So just to say hello in passing. Same with DH and her new H, he's only met him when dropping off or picking up their DD.

I'd suggest next time your ex comes to pick up your DD, they just politely introduce themselves.

BitOfFun · 03/03/2010 23:33

He is being a twat.

That said, my DP hasn't met my ex in almost five years, but then, neither of them have expressed any desire to.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 03/03/2010 23:34

I think maybe take it more slowly; meet for a coffee, ease into it, etc. It does sound like a good idea. I agree that your ex has the right to know who his daughter is living with.

I'm a bit concerned at your partner's reaction. Does he usually shout and stomp around and sulk when he doesn't get his way?

Casmama · 03/03/2010 23:34

Is it possible that your dp feels like he is being summoned to be judged by exdp. Why not suggest that your ex just pops in for a coffee and a chat next time he is picking up/dropping off your dd and that way it is on your dps territory and it is more of a casual affair. DP is being a bit childish but he may be irritated that you agreed to this without asking him how he felt about it.
With any luck he will sleep on it and be a bit more reasonable in the morning.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/03/2010 23:36

Your DP is being precious and childish. They are going to have to meet sooner or later, they are both part of your family and, more importantly, your DD's life.
Bear in mind that if all goes well, your XP is someone on hand as a possible babysitter for the future (as your new LO grows up, s/he nay not want to be separated from his/her DSIS so there may be times when XP looks after both of them - if you can trust him with his own DD why would he not be trustworthy with his DD's beloved half-sibling?

Acinonyx · 03/03/2010 23:37

I also think your ex has a right to want to know who is living with his daughter - but probably something more low-key is called for. Some folks just can't deal with ex's. I'm on goodish terms with dh's ex wife and we see some of my ex's socially. But I know that some people really can't cope with it.

BitOfFun · 03/03/2010 23:39

Actually, yes, JeMeSouviens has got it right- just an introduction for now and take it a bit slower and more organic.

In a way, I can see why your ex wants to get to know who is around his dd, but then again, he hardly has right of veto...

But friendliness shouldn't be discouraged, and if the ex is offering an olive branch, it's in your dd's interests for your DP to meet him half way.

TottWriter · 03/03/2010 23:42

Kind of agree with Missus here. My mum has had two partners since leaving my dad, and my dad met both of them very quickly, though the first was really awkward, as my mum moved in with him as a way of leaving my dad. My step-father met my dad loads of times - apart from anything else, my dad would pick us up from the house my SF and mum shared.

Your ex does have a right to meet anyone who will have a presence in yor DD's life and upbringing, and you need to get your DP to understand it, though possibly dinner together is a bit presumptive. Possibly your DP is overreacting like this because he feels awkward about meeting your ex? Have you said anything about him that would make your DP feel uncomfortable around him? I mean, quite probably you haven't, but I'm trying to think of a way you could smooth things with your DP and get him to at least introduce himself to your ex.

It's possible that they will never like each other, but don't feel you have to play piggy-in-the-middle with them over it. Simply ask your DP to be civil to him for your DD's sake. How did your ex react when you said no? If he took the news fairly well you could try introducing them more slowly or casually, to avoid a hostility brewing. Maybe arrange for your DP to be around when your ex next picks up or drops off your DD (if he does that end of things) so at least he's seen him. They don't have to sit and chat, but an introduction is the least that your ex could reasonably expect.

Ask your DP how he would feel in your shoes, or even in your ex's. If he had a child from a previous relationship, wouldn't he want to know who was going to be around them?

Original poster

jendaisy · 03/03/2010 23:44

Ah, now the reason they have never met is because I always meet the ex half way when it's time for swapsies, and I don't take DP along for the ride. So any meeting would have to be quite a contrived matter (or a quick hello in the lay by just off the motorway!).

Yes tortoise, this is a common reaction for him when he doesn't get his own way, he is quite prone to hissy fits but they don't wash with me and he soon gets over it. He is autistic and finds meeting new people very intimidating, so that may have something to do with it. And yes Casmama, I think he does feel like he is going to be judged but I could tell from the way my ex was being on the phone that that really isn't what it is all about.

OP posts:

Original poster

jendaisy · 03/03/2010 23:50

Hmm babysitting could be pushing my luck, solidgold! But then you never know I guess.

Thing is, I reckon they would actually get on quite well, but they are both quite highly strung so there could also be potential for disaster! I think it's quite sensible that my ex suggested that DD be there too as that should help to keep things civil.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 03/03/2010 23:50

A quick hello by the lay-by would be a start, I feel. I sort of understand your DP's tension now, but you should really explain the other points of view here, as he probably doesn't immediately 'get it' if he is on the autistic spectrum.

Original poster

jendaisy · 03/03/2010 23:58

Yep bitoffun, it is quite often 'his way or the highway', but I understand a lot of that is part of the Aspergers. I am hoping that by the morning he might have simmered down a bit and we can have a conversation about this that doesn't include a whole load of four letter expletives!

OP posts:

Heracles · 04/03/2010 00:13

How old are you all? His reaction seems a bit much, but then I suppose we're only guessing from the info we have here.

Hmm.

Original poster

jendaisy · 04/03/2010 08:07

I am 29, DP is 41 and my ex is 46.

OP posts:

Buda · 04/03/2010 08:19

I think DP needs to calm down. Maybe his reaction is part of his autism but he still needs to calm down.

Don't say no to X just yet because you don't need any atmosphere building up there.

I think you need to sit down and say to dp "Ok now you have gotten that all out of your system what exactly is your issue with meeting X?" I would point out that he stands a good chance of souring relations between all of you including DD if he doesn't grow up about it. Ask him what he would be comfortable with and take it from there.

StrictlyKatty · 04/03/2010 09:09

I 100% agree that your Ex has a right to meet a man living with his daughter. If my DS was living with another woman I would really really need to meet her for certain.

kingprawntikka · 04/03/2010 09:26

Definitely think your Ex has got a right to meet someone who is so involved in your daughters life,. I know I would want to if me and my husband were to divorce. Maybe it would be easier for your DP if you did it in your home so he felt he was more in control rather than being a guest.

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