Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to have got upset.....

26 replies

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 21:50

today....in-laws who are generally lovely grandparents were looking after dc's. I walked in to find my fil walking up the stairs behind DD (13 months) who was making her way up . He got to the top and she went onto the landing. He then sat at the top of the stairs on the top step facing slightly forwards as I came in (I can see straight up our stairs from the door) and then DD turned round and decided to head back down the stairs facing forwards (!) - fil wasn't quite paying attention but I could see what was going to happen so I shouted up for him to catch her.

I was really really upset. I appreciate that it's a good thing to teach children to get up and downstairs but maybe not now at this age - she's a complete liability at the moment and needs a close eye. FIL is a bit clumsy at times and I'd just rather he's not the one doing that with her.....

I just said "please don't let her go up and down stairs it's just a bit dangerous".

They were then shortly going - mil gave me a slightly tight lipped look (she was standing in the hallway playing with DS) we passed the time of day for 5 mins whilst they got their stuff. They then left and I burst into tears.....and called DH.....

I've had a few issues with them recently - nothing to do with the DC's and it's probably a build up of little things which are causing an atmosphere and may have triggered my reaction. They're not horrible people but I felt worse about the fact that they made me feel bad for shouting for my fil to catch dd....I was also a bit shaken about it.

I've probably not explained myself very well......but hopefully you can see what I mean

OP posts:

hester · 03/03/2010 22:04

You're not wrong to want to warn your FIL about letting your dd crawling downstairs. But your reaction does seem a bit extreme. I'm sure you're right that this was about a build-up of things, and I'm sure your MIL is fully aware of that build-up too, which is why you got a tight-lipped look rather than an understanding one.

So - the issue isn't your dd on the stairs, is it? It's about your relationship with your in-laws and how you handle it. And maybe also about feeling stressed and overwhelmed at the moment? - are you ok generally?

Prinpo · 03/03/2010 22:05

Of course YANBU to be upset - 13 months is pretty little to be coming down the stairs as you described with no-one in front to monitor. It sounds as though they were upset too at being seen to be not keeping a close enough eye on things, which is an understandable reaction. They probably felt a bit defensive and, as I'm sure lots of people do, reacted by becoming a bit sniffy.

Can you say any more about what the recent issues have been? It's clear that things are already pretty tense. How are you at getting things out in the open and is this something ou could do with your PILs? (I only ask because I'm crap at it but have a friend who seems to have the most amazing gift of tackling things head on without being tactless. If I could choose a superpower that would be it.)

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 22:26

I feel I shouldn't moan about them really- I am lucky as our children have two sets of really kind and loving grandparents. My parents are nearby and I have a good relationship with them and also have a close relationship with my siblings. My family are just different (aren't we all) and as is often the case they just aren't my parents so I don't feel I can say anything in the same way as if it were my mother.

It's more that they have an expectation of us that my parents don't (and of other people too - my parents never ask for anything from us and would do anything for us so I am always willing to do things for them voluntarily for eg - they on the other hand you can feel them waiting for you to suggest/do etc). So, both Dh and I work, me part time in a professional career and and I am a bit like a single parent in the week - DH has a pretty full on job and is often away nights in the week. We are having our house renovated over the next 6 months and have just finalised that, we're moving out in 2 weeks time so have to pack and I'm waiting on hearing about whether DS has got into our local over subscribed catchment school and I'm worried if we're on a waiting list as to how I'm going to sort childcare. DS is very clingy at the moment.....DD is quite full on - almost walking/teething and I could go on !!....Last week both of them got the D&V virus and we were all housebound - both were really poorly.

In laws have no idea what it's like to live in our busy life - they get huffy if we don't answer the phone some nights if we just don't feel like it - they make snide comments about how they haven't seen us - my mil will put on "that voice" when she leaves us messages. She gets this look on her face when she's clearly not happy about something. She'll apologise profusely for not returning a call as if we should do the same when we don't get round to calling her even though I tell her that it really is fine and we're all busy...if that makes sense. My Dh also has a sister and mil has a tricky relationship with her. SIl is a weird one too and I don't rub along with her well (I get on with most people)

I also have my own parents to check up on and a sister and friends blah blah blah but I think mil thinks we should do more than we do - where/when in my already full life??

So, it's a build up really of finding a middle ground between differing personalities. They've always looked after DS a lot and he adores them. I can almost say that they in a way spend more one on one time with the kids than my parents which DS loves. My parents tend to take the kids along like they do when they are at our house and they just fit in to what they are doing...it's different.

OP posts:

RedRedWine1980 · 03/03/2010 22:28

Seems a bit OTT to be honest- I dont get why you cried?

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 22:29

PS I've asked DH if I should have a "chat" with them as I can feel an atmosphere but he wants to speak to them....He's very diplomatic my DH - I can be a bit hot headed sometimes and might not get the best result....

OP posts:

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 22:30

Natural reaction (for me anyway) maybe when you see your Dc about to fall down the stairs ? after a bad day at work and a slight build up of issues with the in-laws??

OP posts:

RedRedWine1980 · 03/03/2010 22:32

Im confused I thought he was sat on the top step so wouldnt he have blocked her in so to speak?

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 22:41

No - he'd left a gap......that was the gap she started to fall down as he caught her after I yelled.

OP posts:

RedRedWine1980 · 03/03/2010 22:43

Ahhhh.
Dont they have stairgates? Mind you my parents didnt but they didnt let the kids go up/down the stairs at that age at all

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 22:46

I didn't think I'd explained that very well....sorry !

Yep, we have stairgates bottom and top but they hadn't put it on...going up and down the stairs was passing the time me thinks !

OP posts:

Prinpo · 03/03/2010 22:49

Does it need to be a chat or can you just bring it up a bit more naturally? I wonder if they're becoming martyrs and whether they expect that, as they look after DCs so much, they are 'owed' some time with you and DH. From their point of view it may feel as though you're happy to use them as childcare but don't bother to spend any time with them. I know that's not what you're doing but that may be how it feels.

Could you have a regular meet-up? Once a month for Sunday lunch? Can you spell it out for them by saying how sorry you are that you can't spend more time with them but you're absolutely rushed off your feet. Nonetheless, you're really happy that they have such a close relationship with DCs and you really appreciate their help.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 03/03/2010 22:52

Oh dear. It all seems a bit of an over-reaction on your behalf to be honest.

My DS at 9mo started climbing the stairs. We just made sure there was someone right behind in case he fell/decided to see if he could fly. It's not a big deal really.

RumourOfAHurricane · 03/03/2010 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Casmama · 03/03/2010 23:02

I'm afraid I agree it seems like an over reaction and to be honest if they provide a fair amount of childcare for you I think it is a bit bloody rude not to return phonecalls. I understand that you are busy but I'm sure you could find 2 mins to return a call to see if it was something important.

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 23:03

Ok - I'm going to try and pull myself together and take a look at the situation as a whole...I think I need to take a step back don't I.

OP posts:

Casmama · 03/03/2010 23:05

I'm so surprised to see someone asking aibu be told yes you are a bit and then actual taking it on board to reconsider. Amazing - so many people spend hours and hours justifying how reasonable they are. Lol

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 23:07

I've had such a shit week I think I needed someone to tell me to take my head out of my arse and face up to the fact that I've possibly been a bit of a cow really...

OP posts:

rotool · 03/03/2010 23:10

I don't think you are OTT, you are clearly a very caring person or you wouldn't be worrying about what your Innlaws think at the same time as worrying about DD falling down the stairs.
Do you know after a good nights sleep things won't seem so bad. Some things ar better left unsaid so think hard before you or DH say anything.
I have a difficult relationship with my Inlaws too and they have had me in tears several times so I know where you are coming from. Good Luck

Casmama · 03/03/2010 23:11

I'm sure it is easily mended. Maybe even just say in passing the next time you see them, sorry if I snapped I just panicked cos I thought she was going to fall down the stairs.
Only two days till the weekend, hope your week improves.

ScreaminEagle · 03/03/2010 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

woodforthetrees · 03/03/2010 23:14

Aw thanks - DH is away tonight so the voice of reason has been absent. He usually sorts me out and I go to be with a clear head !

I'm going to finish watching damages now and get off to bed......

OP posts:

TottWriter · 03/03/2010 23:30

FWIW, I would say that you weren't unreasonable per say, just a little over-stressed, and you called out on reflex. It's hard to say without having seen the incident, but if you still feel bad about it, try telling your PIL that it was a reflex reaction, which is what it sounds like to me.

Good grief, I yell out like that to my DP if I think my DS is about to get hurt. I might feel a bit sheepish later, but I wouldn't expect anyone to think it unreasonable. Yes, your PIL were in control, and in their position it could possibly feel like you were snubbing them, so it might be worth explaining, especially if you have a slightly tense relationship anyway. For the rest, I would say that the best thing is to try (though it's hard) to let their behaviour wash over you - they clearly have a far less hectic life than you, and so won't understand how worn out you can get. I do the thing with leaving the phone myself at times, so you're not alone. How often do they call? I can't say I'd be talking to my parents more than once a week if I wasn't sat at home on my rump. But my DP chats to his dad seemingly every day. I personally don't feel the need to give a daily update, and often call my mum to entertain DS, then run out of things to say. My mum always used to get annoyed when my Nan called every day at the same time, and sometimes got us to answer asn say she was in the shower. So I don't think it's unreasonable to not answer calls. It's not like you're trying to cut them out, you just need a break.

Still, sometimes it's easier to bite the bullet and pick up the phone rather than deal with the fallout. But then I'm a natural-born peacekeeper. I hate conflict.

cat64 · 04/03/2010 00:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bernadetteoflourdes · 04/03/2010 00:37

YANBU to get upset but do the gps look after you child regularly, count yourself lucky if they do. And if she is now cruising and you are worried about her safety I have 2 words STAIR GATES, They have them in all the Nurseries in which I teach and beleive me they wont affect her development or abuse her human rights.

bernadetteoflourdes · 04/03/2010 00:41

sorry op I didnt read properly tell them to use the bloody stairgates if they are going to play catch the baby.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread