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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my husband of 10 years to be a father figure to his 15 year old step-son?

25 replies

ziopin · 03/03/2010 20:41

Hi, Its a bit on a long post, sorry!

I met my husband 10 years ago, when my ds was only five. We have another two children (7 & 5) now too. His relationship with my son (his step son) has never really been defined, but now I want it to be.

My son is a typical 15 year old, but can be loving and generous, makes dinner once a week, make cups of tea when I come home from work, and I must admit I dont find much fault in him

My husband never gives him any praise or says anything positive, just constantly picks him up over towels on floor, not eating his veg, losing his coat that type of thing.

This evening we've had a bit of a row about this, about me being good cop and he being bad all the time, he replied 'well what do you expect I'm not his father! of course I'm not going to treat him in the same way as I treat the other two!

I've asked him if he could not fulfil that step-dad role could he perhaps fill the 'friend' role, he cant do that either as he's not 15!

He then had the cheek to say maybe I should have a look on the internet to see what the role of a step-father is! I replied I already know, maybe he needs to do that!

Am I being unreasonable here, please help

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 03/03/2010 20:43

Your dh sounds like an idiot sorry..poor boy

poshsinglemum · 03/03/2010 20:45

yanbu- he's being out of order and not a good dp.

poshsinglemum · 03/03/2010 20:46

Also- he knew you came as a package so he should embrace your son as part of that package.

moondog · 03/03/2010 20:48

What you've been marriedc to him for ten years and you haven't yet worked out how he should be with your son?

Talk ot him-not us.

JaynieB · 03/03/2010 20:49

Hmmm - whilst I don't think you're being unreasonable in principle, why are you talking about this now - you've been together 10 years, maybe it is unreasonable to suddenly expect your husband to change his 'role' towards your son?

JaynieB · 03/03/2010 20:50

Your son sounds great though!

MouthAndTrousers · 03/03/2010 20:51

You poor Ds.

He deserves better from your Dh and you.

You had your son before you and he got together. Your Ds should have been no1.

I hope hes not too damaged by this.

izzybiz · 03/03/2010 20:53

My Dh has been around my Ds since Ds was 4, he is now 17.
Ds has never called Dh Dad, but they still have a relationship where Dh is a parent to Ds as much as I am.

I would find that so hurtful to think that someone who has been around my child for 10 years did not regard him, if not exactly the same as his own kids, at least pretty bllody close!

YANBU, he is!

Nemofish · 03/03/2010 20:53

I found myself being overly critical with my dsd, I still find that I have to firmly shut my mouth in case I start to go on one. But for me, my 'nagging' her was my way of trying to take care of her, my way of trying to prepare her for the big scary world (yes nobody bothered to prepare me). Dsd is a lovely sweet girl, but I ended nagging her to death about her room, how 'these things cost money' (which she is still oblivious of but that's another thread!) her tablemanners (none, bless her!) and so on. I realised the poor kid must be getting sick of me.

I realised that it wasn't my job to correct her or instruct her, that I could just let her be, and enjoy her company without such heavy parenting. We get on better now and I find that I am enjoying her more and more as she gets older and her personality comes through more.

The 'friend' role is the best one there is - maybe your dh needs telling that 'moulding' his stepson isn't necessary / his job, and he just needs to chill out.

I know it's tacky and they will both see through it in a second, but a bonding activity where they both have to work together would help. (We have a Wii and a family game night once a week, me and dsd are also an ace zombie killing team...)

Nemofish · 03/03/2010 20:54

So YANBU!

Original poster

ziopin · 03/03/2010 20:54

We have this conversation about once every 6 months, I end up getting upset, he tells me he loves my son and that their relationship in fine.

He's 15 now and if i dont get DH's role defined now, I think there will be trouble round the corner!

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 03/03/2010 20:56

I would have thought after 10 years the relationship was defined ..

damnedchilblains · 03/03/2010 21:12

YANBU but i have to say part of this is your own fault. You should have demanded he treat your son the same years ago. That to me is a deal breaker and if a man came into my life and didn't treat his step-children the same as his own he would be gone. You shouldn't have to define the role, it should have been natural. Poor you and ds, dh is an arse!

Ps you should try and delete one of the threads

runnybottom · 03/03/2010 21:17

You waited 10 years to "define their relationship"
Y have B being extremely unreasonable for 10 years, IMHO. Your poor DS.

Casmama · 03/03/2010 21:19

I agree with usualsuspect. The relationship is defined you just don't like the definition. You have been together for 10 years, the time to sort this out would,imo, have been before you conceived children with your husband.

I do think your huband is BU but if this is the way he has been for 10 years you have made the decision, by staying with him, to put up with it.

If you had posted this seven years ago I would have said YANBU.

StephysFamous · 03/03/2010 22:39

Have you only just realised your DH treats DS differently?
Surely not?
You need to tell him to sort his priorities out, quick.
It's not fair on your DS and in a way your other kids, do you want them to think he's different from them? They will.
I have a DD aged 3 and I'm due DC2 in Sept, DD is not my partners but as far as he is concerned he's her dad and the new baby will be brought up the exact same way.

JaynieB · 03/03/2010 22:40

Is DS in touch with his Dad?
From my own situation (I am Mum to one and Stepmum to 2) I've never been 'Mum' to my stepkids as they have a great one already, but I do take care of them and care about them - but not in the same way as their Mum and not in quite the same way as I am Mum to my own. Our relationship I guess has defined itself over the years.
Do you think your DS is unhappy with the relationship with your husband?

gtamom · 04/03/2010 04:51

How would he feel were he to die and you remarried someone who showed favoritism?

StepSideways · 04/03/2010 09:38

I think Nemofish has a good point, would your ds be happier if dh played father more, are you certain?

I only speak from my own experience not as a parent but as someone who had a step father introduced into my life at age 8, I never liked him and found his attempts at playing father disingenuous...

I would hazard a guess, and it is only a guess, that if they're not bonded now, they may not be going to.. and to agree with UsualSuspect, their relationship probobly already is defined.

StepSideways · 04/03/2010 09:39

I think Nemofish has a good point, would your ds be happier if dh played father more, are you certain?

I only speak from my own experience not as a parent but as someone who had a step father introduced into my life at age 8, I never liked him and found his attempts at playing father disingenuous...

I would hazard a guess, and it is only a guess, that if they're not bonded now, they may not be going to.. and to agree with UsualSuspect, their relationship probobly already is defined.

spybear · 04/03/2010 09:50

Are you sure the things he said were not just in the heatof the moment

Maybe he is jsut finding it a bit more difficult as your DS gets older.

Have a chat to him when your not so worked up.

MrsVidic · 04/03/2010 10:34

He probably feels different about his children than his step son and perhaps doesn't want to step on you ExP's toes. Perhaps since he has had his own children he sees things from your EXp's point of view more?

If you DS lives in his house then of course he will be asked to pick up his clothes more than the others as he is older and can expect more responsability.

However, he should try to be encouraging/ supportive- perhaps he thinks if he does this he will feel like he is trying to be his father and feels your son will not appreciate it.

FWIW my step father was critical but we went down the friend route and it was good- he was like my father.

ShinyAndNew · 04/03/2010 10:40

Hmmm, if DH treat dd1 like this, I'd leave him. He doesn't differentiate between dd2 (his child) and dd1. They are both treat equally.

However it probably easier for my DH as dd1 is not in touch with her father and has never met him. Plus she was only a baby when I met him.

Your DH should try and make more of an effort with your son.

Swan78 · 04/03/2010 11:04

If he doesn't want to be a father figure, why is he disciplining your DS and picking up on negative things about your DS? Surely only someone with some sort of parenting role should be commenting on those aspects of your sons behaviour.
My DP does have special days out with my DS when my DD goes to her dads, but in general he treats them exactly the same.
Your DS sounds lovely btw. I hope my DS cooks me dinner when he's older! You must be a very proud mummy to have raised such a gentleman

ClaraJo · 04/03/2010 12:42

My DP has made it clear he has no desire to be a replacement father to the DCs because they still have a very close and loving relationship with their dad. I would say DP's role is more like one of a Godparent if I'm honest (DCs are very close to their Godparents, enjoying a relationship where they get friendship and discipline, but they don't expect them to be substitute parents). That doesn't mean DP doesn't love them, but he doesn't love them like his own child, and they don't love him like their dad. In fact, they can be pally together in a way DCs and I can't be, because I am their mum. And DCs might think DP is on their case occasionally but I'd go so far as to say they actually cop less flak from him than they would from their dad for some of their behaviour!

Anyway, what does your DS have to say on the matter?

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