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Original poster

how do i make new friends

26 replies

fishingboat · 03/03/2010 13:09

I have lost two of my friends recently not going into it things were said on all sides and they decided they don't want to be friends with me or my family anymore. This has affect me deeply I was feeling low after the the birth of my 2nd child who is now 1 anyway but with all the stress of this fall out it pushed me further to the edge. My doc has put me on anti depressants whish have helped to take the edge of it. I try to keep myself busy going to groups with my daughter, I have lots of acquanunties to talk to but not one real friend. My other child is 6 she is really out going at school I try to invite children for tea to see if i can get to know the parents a bit better but this doesn't seem to work. My doc refered me for some therapy and it was conclude I stuggle with my confidence and being assertive, which I am well aware of. It breaks my heart when I see my 2 old friends laughing and giggling together in the school play ground as if I'm not there, although I am never sort of anyone to talk to. I long to have a close friend again some to ask for a coffee but I don't know where to start. I have asked home start for help as i have no family living locally they are coming to see me mext week and i'm waitting for my next app with therapist. I just feel so lonely i don't know what do do with myself PLEASE ANY SUGGESTIONS

OP posts:
junkcollector · 03/03/2010 13:19

Why don't you join your local NCT? They have lots of events for mums locally and it's not just for babies.

www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/home

They are always looking for volunteers to help out too, which could be a good way to make friends.

junkcollector · 03/03/2010 13:21

PS Why don't you ask one of your aquaintances for coffee too? Just casually in the course of conversation. " I'm going for a coffee at.... fancy joining me?" or something.

junkcollector · 03/03/2010 13:21

PPS also might be best to post this in 'relationships'. People are nicer there

Original poster
fishingboat · 03/03/2010 13:23

How do i do do that??

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 03/03/2010 13:24

Sorry about your so-called former friends. Hard to pick yourself up from that kind of thing.

Friendships, ime take time and shared experience to build. I moved to a new place just before having my first child and forced myself to be outgoing and sociable. If you pretend to be confident about it hard enough, you kind of end up believing it.

I would talk to my daughter's friend's parents in the schoolground, about nothing much;
look on mumsnet local in case there is anyone near you; and invite people I'd met at baby groups etc for coffee/park/play with their kids. Anyone who seems friendly. I think it's a bit like dating in that you have to kiss/provide biscuits for a few frogs before someone "clicks". And don't expect too much from people too soon - just some nice company whilst looking after the kids.

Good luck

redskyatnight · 03/03/2010 13:25

I've spent many years trying to make friends with other parents. I've come to the conclusion that it's pretty tough to make real friends on the basis of having a child of the same age.

So I joined an aerobics class (ie something I was interested in) and have since made a couple of good friends. Having a shared interest is always a good starting point.
Is there an evening class/ group you could join? You might find that doing something for "you" helps your confidence anyway.

GypsyMoth · 03/03/2010 13:28

netmums is good too....

Original poster
fishingboat · 03/03/2010 13:29

I often think of inviting people for coffee but then fear of rejection takes over.

OP posts:
GeneHuntsMistress · 03/03/2010 13:31

oh fishingboat im so sorry sounds like you are having a tough time right now.

really good advice from Mazzy there, i echo everything she says especially the "acting" bit - if you act super confident and happy and positive, it DOES make you feel like that for real!

also is there any chance of having a little time to yourself (do Homestart babysit? dont know how it works. or maybe youngest goes to playschool while elder girl at school?) anyway if you do, then would suggest a class of some sort, weekly, where you do something you really enjoy. You need to build up your self-esteem; do this by doing something you love which will make you feel good about yourself.

i wish you well

Original poster
fishingboat · 03/03/2010 13:34

thanks for replies taken them all on board,just need to put them into practice now

OP posts:
Oblomov · 03/03/2010 13:36

Making friends is hard. Really hard. My sil has moved. she has just started to make friends throught eh church. nothing came of the playground. she misses her neighbour badly. i think they popped in and out and had children of the same age so went on days out. that is a special friendship and rare.
I have made a new friend. another mum in the optehr reception class. she lives just round the corner. I have other acquanintances, and a nice lady i invite for coffee, but it is only to a certain level. I appreciate the new friend i have made becasue i desire deep meaningful freindships, rather than acquaintances.
whats the worst that can happen, if you invite someone to your home for coffee. thay say no. come and then don't invite you back. let it go.
get involved with school. offer bake cake at summer fete. you might meet a nice mum from year 3 that you would never have otherwise met.
and join nct, areobics aswell. but appreciate that this is hard. it takes alot to maintain a real meaningful friendship. rare.
so be strong. and just get on with it.

BratleyBackToNormal · 03/03/2010 13:38

Oh FishingBoat

I've been in that situation where you see your 'friends' chatting away and you just feel like a right fool, its not nice at all.

Try striking up a good conversation with one of your aquaintances at the play group who you get a good friendly feeling from, and ask them if they fancy a coffee back at yours and let the children carry on playing together, or taking the children to a local play area one day that week maybe?
Suggest that you'd like to take DD to (X place) but you dont fancy going on your own, they might suggest going with you.

My DH is in the army and we've moved a few times now, I know how frustrating it can be just wanting someone to have a brew and a gossip with.

Home Start sounds good, there was an article about them in one of our army families mags not long ago, hopefully they'll be able to help.

Do you know if there's any MNetters in your area? Might be another option!

GypsyMoth · 03/03/2010 13:39

are there mumsnetters near you?

BratleyBackToNormal · 03/03/2010 13:41

Crikey how long did it take me to type that reply!?
Loads of good advice while I was sorting DS out!

chickydee · 03/03/2010 13:57

Hi,
A couple of ideas that helped me, and now I would certainly advocate giving it a go!
At school if there is a PTA, join it. Wether you have any ideas for fundraising or not, it will be good fun, you'll make new friends, and then you can help out at school fairs etc.
Also, if there is a playgroup or a toddler group ask about joining the committee or just helping out occasionally.
I found that offering my services free showed people that i was a nice person, and then you can let your personality shine through.
Good luck xx

Feelingforty · 03/03/2010 13:58

I know what you mean as an old friend & I fell out & we were very close.

I tried to make friends at the nct but found that didn't work, because the groups close to me where only set up for new mums. I would suggest ringing all your local toddler groups & asking if you can have a trial go - if you find one you like, it does take many times of going before mums start talking (it's such a shame) but it does happen. As DC is 1 now, it should be fairly easy to pick up with other mums that have similar age children.
Just being smiley at the other mums, saying hello is a good starting point. People do seem to take a while to warm to a new face, but appearing friendly rather than pushy will help.
HTH & where are you ? we're all asking in case you live close !

BratleyBackToNormal · 03/03/2010 14:03

lol, all of us jumping at the chance to find out if you're near us! What does that say for you FishingBoat!?

Original poster
fishingboat · 03/03/2010 14:16

i live just outside of grimsby, Feeling forty what does HTH mean

OP posts:
Feelingforty · 03/03/2010 14:30

HTH = hope that helps

Sunshinetoast · 03/03/2010 14:47

Hi, making friends can be hard. I've moved a couple of times in the last few years and really had to work at it. You've had lots of good advice so far.

The other thing that worked for me was going to groups at the local children's centre. I went to some groups with my DC and they also had groups for parents where they ran a creche for the children. I did all sorts - first aid, parenting, cookery, relaxation classes. The groups were fairly small so it was easy to talk to people and they were set up to allow time for coffee and chat. After a few weeks of talking to people once a week it was easier to ask them for coffee.

Also I looked out for other people on their own in the playground, at groups etc and started chatting to them. It is amazing the number of people who want to make friends!

porcamiseria · 03/03/2010 14:55

some thoughts

Firstly good for you for admitting to this! Loneliness is such a common human afflication, and motherhood is a lonely lonely job sometimes.

Local playgroups
Churches can be VERY friendly, even if not majorly religious its worth trying
Excercise classes, walking groups etc
Charity and volunteering- PTA, homeless, NCT. elderly, whatever floats your boat
Try some new hobbies

The main thing isa to get busy and into a routine, this in its turn will make you feel better then your fear of rejection becomes less acute

Good luck, and hang on in there

Tiredmumno1 · 03/03/2010 15:02

Shame you live so far away, i have no friends either, its hard and lonely, i think i am learning to live with it. I have lived here a year and a half and get snubbed most of the time, its almost like as i havent lived here for all my life, we automatically are outsiders.

Original poster
fishingboat · 03/03/2010 15:23

Tiredmummo where do you live?

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 03/03/2010 16:23

I Live in bedfordshire fishingboat

Original poster
fishingboat · 12/03/2010 13:13

I would just like to add I have been in touch with HOMESTART they are very surportive, just getting out there and talking to people is making a real difference, changed my outlook feeling loads better thanks for all the replies they were a big help

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