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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really need to know!

26 replies

Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 19:48

Following on from my previous thread here

BIL is still here 6w5d (and counting) later. In this time he has contributed towards food, but has done entirely fuck all around the house, even to the extent of putting his plate on the kitchen surface above the open and empty dishwasher. He has not cooked once. Or hoovered, or cleaned the bathroom. He has left his clothes in the washer or dryer and not even acknowledged when I have moved it and put it in his room. He has yet to even acknowledge that actually it has been a bit of an imposition him staying, or even express his thanks. He then didn't bother to find out when the caravan site was open, we (I) had to text FIL to find out. They said 1st march, which was over the claimed 6 weeks but hey ho.

On sunday at 7.30pm after sitting on his arse all day whilst we cleaned the house and the bedrooms, he asked dh if he could stay another night as he was working in Sheffield the next day, which is nearer to us than the caravan. I was a bit gutted and pissed off, as he had obv known this since fri, but went with it. We put dd back in her own room and he went in with ds on his campbed for sun and mon.

Tonight I "casually" said to dh that I wouldnt need to cook for him as he would be leaving when he collected his stuff- dh said oh but he is working in Sheffield all week. I am afraid I have gone a bit ape- after almost 7 weeks I was looking forward to having a shower and being able to come downstairs in my pjs and watch TV, not go to bed. DH fails to see why I feel uncomfortable in my own home and we have had yet again the mother of all rows. During which bil walked in. We were just sitting down for tea. He sat himself at the dining table with his laptop and sat there whilst we ate. He has not said a word about leaving, or staying, but is still sat there now. I am fucking livid tbh- if he asked to stay longer I would not say no, but to just not even mention it and stay put? Have told DH that it is ridiculous the way he panders to him, and of course BIL is used to it. I really feel he is taking the piss.

Have had a cry and am totally fed up. AIBU? Please be gentle, am 26 weeks pg and have just had enough now after 7 weeks of it

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 19:50

no, yanbu.

but you are a grown up too, you could talk to BIL and make it clear that this is his last week with you

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 19:52

Now this I know, but feel like it would cause an argument, like he is DH's brother so it is not my place. I find him really hard to talk to. I know that might not make sense.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 19:55

yeah i do, i am really awful at confrontation, but good at telling other people to do it!

i think you need to decide on an absolute deadline for BIL being there, be that the end of this week, or tomorrow.
tell your dh that you want him gone by then, and that if he won't tell him you will.

maybe it will cause a row, but he can't stay forever!

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 19:55

Oh and I don't just want this to be his last week, that was supposed to be last week! This was supposed to be his last day here, last night the last night- for the 3rd time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 19:56

Thank you, x-posted. I am at the mw tomorrow, if she tells me my BP is high I will not be happy!

OP posts:
clam · 02/03/2010 19:59

On the contrary, it is your place. Quite literally. Your house and they are ALL of them Taking. The. Piss. Royally.

I remember this thread from before and I thought you were being put upon then. Did BIL bring his bed and stuff in the end, so you had to clear out your DC's room? Either way, he said one more night, which has come and gone, so tell DH to GET RID OF HIM, family or no, or he's going to be looking for a place to stay for himself.
Even if they argued that he was homeless becasue of the caravan site being closed before, that doesn't apply now. It's open, and this extra bit is just because BIL can't be arsed to drive back there. Tough.

YASONBU. I really sympathise.

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 20:01

Thanks clam, am so upset I could just hug you for being on my side! Yes dd and ds shared for over 6 weeks, they were totally bollcksed with tiredness. I feel like I have been a mug, but when it comes to "discussing" it with DH he manages to make me look the unreasonable one.

OP posts:
RedTartanLass · 02/03/2010 20:14

Saucepanman have been watching your other thread and wondering how you'd got on. I really feel for you and you're soooo NBU! You're nearly at the end of it, bite your tongue for a couple more days and never ever allow this to happen again.
There is helping out family and there is taking the piss, and this is taking the piss big time!!

AnyFucker · 02/03/2010 20:15

Do you know what...just because he is DH's brother doesn't mean it isn't your choice too whether he stays or goes

Your DH is obviously not going to acknowledge how tired and upset you are (does he usually put other people's feelings before his wife's ? )

tell your BIL himself, ignore your DH

say "tonight (or whatever night you choose) is your last night, we have been more than accomodating but your presence is now intrusive and causing me upset"

ignore any flannel from BIL, or your DH, and stick to your guns

oh, and get that marker-pen mark from off your forehead...you know, that one that spells M U G

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 20:31

anyfucker- no not usually. He seems blinkered to the fact that wrt to his brother he puts everyone after him. I am sort of at a loss to understand why, can only assume that's how he was conditioned by his parents growing up "because poor A is deaf"

It would just be nice to be able to go to the toilet and not have to lock the door, or have a shower and not have to take my clothes or PJs into our tiny bathroom, but to be able to walk the 2 feet from bathroom to bedroom wrapped in a towel and not worry. DH sees this as "my problem" as I am the only one feeling uncomfortable with it. I was so close to telling him to fuck off to the caravan with him!

Oh also he (DH) doesn't understand me because "you help family out".

OP posts:
Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 20:32

Redtartanlass- I have already said never again, and I mean it. But now I am wondering what effect if any my words on that subject would have.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/03/2010 21:30

perhaps you should go to the caravan and leave the fuckers to it...

AnyFucker · 02/03/2010 21:31

perhaps you should go to the caravan and leave the fuckers to it...

and leave the kids with them

it could be lovely at this time of year...a relaxing spring break to re-charge your batteries before the baby comes...

clam · 02/03/2010 21:40

OK. "you help family out."

Think you've ticked that box. Over and again.

It's time to play the pregnancy/health card.

You know the one, "this stress is not good for our baby. You put us FIRST now, before something we regret happens." His first and over-riding priority should be to you. Ask him straight, is it? And if so, is he prepared to act upon it.

And FWIW, it doesn't matter how comfortable they all are at seeing you skulking to and from the bathroom (or whatever), YOU are not, which is all that matters. Say, "You are disregarding my feelings. I find that most hurtful." He's done it for 6 weeks and you've put up with it (proving your commitment to "helping the family out" but this is too much. ENOUGH.

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 22:59

er AF, I think not. It's a static in chester in the arse end of nowhere! (weirdos!)

I told dh (if I can still call him that, maybe plain h, eh) all I want you to do is ask when he is going- if you have not done it by the time I go to bed, I will do it. He did it with seconds to spare but I was in the kitchen so will have to wait till he comes to bed to ask him- isn't it just rich, I am so worried about his family making me out to be unreasonable

BIL is going to Ireland fri am, which makes me think his plan all along was to stay until then (we're near the airport). The dishonest fucker .

I know IANBU, but seem to be having trouble getting dh to understand it- I get that he thinks what's a few more days, but it is not that, it is the assumption ffs. His wife (my sil) has not spoken to me since he came to stay, gone from messaging me every day to nothing. She has also not acknowledged that he is here or said thanks. I am waiting for her to message me once he has gone as if nothing has happened then I shall tell it to her straight. She put on my fb "hope he is helping you with the chores" and I had to stop myself posting "is this a joke?!"

OP posts:
Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 23:02

clam thanks for your response/support. DH so does not get the "comfortable" thing- or the outstaying welcome thing it seems either. I think I will guilt trip him on the stress- he always thinks I overreact about the baby when pg because we lost our first, so I do stress. That makes him sound like a shit- he really isn't, his one major fault is not telling his family where to get off. Anything for a quiet life, but at my expense where they are concerned- it's all just put down to me moaning [grrrr]

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 02/03/2010 23:15

Fuck me, he thinks you are over-reacting because you lost your first baby?

Surely that should make him more sensitive to you having a peaceful pregnancy? Words fail me...

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 23:26

I knew I wouldn't put that well

I meant he is used to me stressing that something is wrong with any of the subsequent babies, I annoy myself with it tbh, I get monitored a lot but it's hard not to worry. DH is/was great throughout everything- but I don't think he thinks/realises that having his brother stay makes my pregnancy not peaceful iyswim.

OP posts:
victoriascrumptious · 02/03/2010 23:32

Dear God, I can't believe this is STILL going on! I am so angry on your behalf

Original poster
Saucepanman · 02/03/2010 23:41

me neither VS. What's annoying is that DH genuinely has been doing the lion's share of everything, as I made the point that I would not- so he then thinks I have nothing to moan about as BIL's presence isn't making more work for me to do! Like he would be doing all this if he wasn't here! It's up to him if he wants to fanny around waiting on him but I certainly haven't.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 02/03/2010 23:49

Bloody hell, saucepanman. I would be LIVID.

As for the 'DH is doing everything', I bet there's other things he's not doing because of that, though, right? Having small children is a zero sum game. If he's doing much more housework than usual, something else must be slipping; spending time with the children, running errands, whatever. If he's been able to pick up an extra two hours of chores a day without something else being overlooked, he used to have too much time to himself!

You poor thing. Hang in there, love, it really is only a couple more days now (which I know isn't the point, but at least there's an end in sight!). I don't know how you get it through your husband's skull that he's taking the piss, so all I can offer is sympathy.

zipzap · 03/03/2010 00:13

WOuld have been very tempted not to hold back and put what you really thought on fb - after all it was his wife that asked...

even if you had to say something along the lines of 'I wish...' or if you're brave enough 'well you'll have to ask dh as I'm severely suffering with being pregnant and said that I couldn't cope with us let alone one more - so if he wanted his brother here he had to make sure he looked after him. He seems to have done that (husband that is) but I wasn't expecting it to be at the expense of me and kids but hey ho, hope that when my kids are older they have good relationship too...'

If you don't answer something like that seems to be an assumption that everythhing is tickety boo OK - when really it's not...

clam · 03/03/2010 20:12

Well? Is he still there?

How was your MW appointment. Hope the BP is reasonable.

Still cross on your behalf.

Original poster
Saucepanman · 03/03/2010 23:59

Ooh hello

Guess what- he has gone! hurrah. And he did thank me profusely for having him to stay.

MW appointment was fine. And quick! Perfectly normal average pg, and BP was disappointingly fine! Thanks for asking, and general hand holding through this

OP posts:
clam · 04/03/2010 17:12

Excellent news. So, a pyjama party tonight, then?

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