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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

in thinking Facebook isn't the place...

18 replies

cantmummyhaveabreak · 02/03/2010 16:29

Bit of a sensitive issue, and may be seen from both sides, i'm open to all opinions but i dont think i feel i'm being unreasonable.

Long story short, BF's DH cheated on her while she was pg with her last baby. He left to be with the woman he cheated with, got his gf pg before his DW gave birth.

Lots of their argueing etc went on through FB which i didn't think was the place really as everyone could see.

Fast forward a few months and he wants my friend and their DC's back, but didn't want to leave the gf while she was pg. Expected friend to wait around waiting for him. There was poroblems with his gf's baby and she was stillborn. Pictures have been put on fb of the baby, along with about a weeks worth of name announcments before the birth when they knew what was going to happen.

He is still friends with myself and DH, and also still friends with his DW on there. The pictures showed up on all of our 'most recent' updates. I mean i respect what he's going through, but feel it's a bit insensitive to his DW to put things on there when he expects her to get back with him in a couple of months. I also feel it's insensitive to his GF who has just gone through all of this too.

I actually think it's a little disrespectful to his baby who has been the epicentre of all this turmoil. The poor baby had her birth anounced on FB... then photo's- i feel something so sensitive like this should be kept quite private between him and his GF and their families. In a few months maybe i'd feel differently if it was used to raise awareness etc, or to share memories with their closer friends... but to put it on as full public display within hours of her birth.

My friend feels so bad that she's had to see his other baby, she didn't want anything to do with all that at the moment, he'd been lucky that she was thinking of taking him back. She was hoping him and his gf could get over what happened to their baby and then maybe she'd take him back.

This is really hard to write- and i'm not intending to upset anyone, i'm just trying to get it all out of my head and written down the best i can. I know it's a delicate subject- and i'm sure IANBU in thinking FB isn't the best way to go about sharing the news they've had...

Jury's out....

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 02/03/2010 16:31

the whole thing is sick
still, he's lost a baby so i suppose he's dealing with it how he can
so he wants to get back together with wife, who was expected to wait while he played families with gf and baby, until they were 'settled' and he could leave them again & go back to wife?
what a catch
and i think she's deluded

compo · 02/03/2010 16:32

yanbu

but maybe all his friends on there are close friends and he wanted them to iknow what he was going through

his wife, your friend, should have deletec him so she didn't have to see anythign she didn't want to about his new relationship

MamaG · 02/03/2010 16:34

I think it's their business tbh

yoru mate's ex is obv a dick, she shouljd block him and move the fuck on.

cantmummyhaveabreak · 02/03/2010 16:35

they did stop being friends after he left her.... but since he asked her back i think they became 'friends' again...

He has lost a baby, and he must be feeling all sorts of emotions- i cannot begin to imagine as i've never been throguh it myself- but i felt the dread of thinking i was going to loose my baby, and that was hellish enough.

He has 200+ friends on his FB and i'm sure not all of them are that close...

OP posts:
cantmummyhaveabreak · 02/03/2010 16:37

oh should add I also feel BF is stupid to even consider taking him back after what she's gone through, and so does her family... but it's her life at the end of the day. I can only advise so far.

OP posts:
MamaG · 02/03/2010 16:38

i don't really understand why you're so het up about this tbh

if it bothers yoru mate she should block him

if it doesn't bother her, why are you posting?

it doesn't matter if he's got 2 or 2000 friends, eh can do what he wants, its up to your mate whether or not she sees his stuff

compo · 02/03/2010 16:38

the poor poor girlfriend
she loses his baby so he goes back to his wife
she must be going through hell

StealthPolarBear · 02/03/2010 16:38

does the OW know about this plan? or did she, before she lost her baby, which i imagine is making anything else unimportant

cantmummyhaveabreak · 02/03/2010 16:43

MamaG- i'm postiong because i'm a little bothered by the fact that on my FB i saw a picture of his baby- no warning- picture just sat there...

BF has phoned me upset because she also saw it...

Initially i more felt for his GF and his baby that he'd chosen to just put the picture on knowing who would see it, and not at least putting some privacy settings so only certain friends etc could see. His poor gf has been through all this, unaware that he wants to leave her soon to go back to his wife. And their stillborn baby should be something a couple and their family share together before plastering photo's all over the internet, no? Or is that just me?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 02/03/2010 16:56

Yes, I agree, I really do some things are best kept private. Call me old fashioned.

Are you advising your friend not to go back to this sorry excuse of a dh?

LIZS · 02/03/2010 17:01

I think FB isn't the place for lots fo things but some people simply feel the need to share all without any thought for consequences or extent of acquaintacnes it may reach. Why is your bf even looking at the FB pages of someone who has caused her so much hurt ?

sb6699 · 02/03/2010 17:04

Some men are hopeless with their emotions so maybe its just way of coping with actually having to "talk" about it iykwim.

Separate issue is how is treating his gf and dw. He left his dw literally holding the baby and was planning on doing the same to his gf so he could fuck off with whoever he fancied most at the time - lovely!

wannaBe · 02/03/2010 17:07

No, facebook is not the place to play out your life, however tragic your life might be.

And am I right in assuming that he is still with the gf but that the wife is considering taking him back? so essentially she's now the ow?

He's a tosser. But your friend is an idiot if she even contemplates going back to him.

cantmummyhaveabreak · 02/03/2010 17:14

bibbity- yes i have told her that if i were her i'd not even consider taking him back. She was left to cope with her toddler while heavily pg, she's now suffering from depression and trying to cope with 2 DC's and all the while he's been with his GF, up until recently, happily playing the doting boyfriend. I have been there for my BF- but there's only so much i can do with having 3 young DC's myself.

Liz- it came up on my 'home' of FB- i didn't have to click on his pages or anything- so i'm gathering the same happened for my BF.

OP posts:
SpicedGerkin · 02/03/2010 17:24

Actually i think YABU - As it isn't for you to decide what others can share on FB.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 02/03/2010 17:39

ewwww, yanbu. I hate oversharers on fb, whether it's of the tmi variety "Chris Jones has just been for a spectacular dump" the sexual tmi variety (I have a particular squaddy friend who posts some pretty graphic stuff about his exploits often as they're happening or about to happen, which is pretty cringy)

or the uncomfortable breakup kind which are normally drawn out, bitter, and involve the couple concerned announcing that they're single/in a relationship about fifty times. Then they get all arsey when you tell them to make their bloomin' minds up or (preferably) shut up about it.

But to post about a stillborn baby with photos as it happens is a new kind of hideous imo. I'm very sorry for them, and I'm sure they didn't mean for it to be taken that way but it's all pretty unnecessary.

Morloth · 02/03/2010 17:45

You can hide people without taking them off your friends list. As you mouse over a post it comes up with a hide button on the top right hand corner.

They are free to post what they like and you are free to not know about it by either hiding them or de-friending them.

Oh and your friend is fucking crazy to be considering taking this dick back.

FioFio · 02/03/2010 17:49

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