more on MILs

[omaoma]

just posted this on the 'discussion of the day', but realise I'd actually like some feedback on this!

my MIL is fab, sometimes I think I get on with her more than my mum! but if anything, she's too hands off... my parents go crazy if they don't see DD every coupla weeks and travel regularly. ILs live same distance away as them (few hours) yet we prob see them 3-4 times a year? weird thing is MIL is actually in the city every week as she works part time here - she stays with a friend in a different part of town. She never pops round or suggests a time to meet up with DD when she's working here (DD is one). i know she works really hard and it's difficult in the big smoke to 'pop' anywhere, but it seems a real shame she doesn't see her only grandchild very often when she's in town every week... they have a dog at home and that always seems to be the issue about taking extra days out when she's down; i also know she hates to be too burdensome on me. but i always say she is welcome to come any time, so AIBU to be sad and assume she's not that bothered??

She just be very considerate and not want to be pushy. Have you tried inviting her to stay with you instead or making a point of inviting her over. my MIl is like this - never invites us rouind and we always have to make the suggestion but wants us there as much as possible. One of those where you can't win

Could you not arrange to go and visit her at the friend's house?

notime: unfortunately she's only really there in the evenings when back from work - when DD is asleep. which is kind of the problem with her staying over with us instead (altho she does get 5 mins in the morning before she leaves).

MNITA: yeah, I think i just have to be proactive about inviting her. I think I'm going to suggest we meet her near her work for lunch or something at least DD is awake then! it's infuriating tho - it should be so easy to see her but seems to be so hard...

My MIL is a bit like this. I get on really well with her, never had any problems, but despite me inviting her often, she doesn't want to come and see us . The last two Christmases she has gone out with friends rather than come here and see her grandchildren (who are 6, 4 and 2, so Christmas is still very special for them) This year was even worse, because she was just out of hospital and STILL didn't want to come to us. She lives 1 3/4 hours drive from us, so we can't easily pop in. I felt dreadful that she had friends and neighbours running about after her when she could have been here getting looked after, and she knows that. She even went to christmas dinner with her friend and her family- grandkids and all. We were actually quite embarrassed, because it must look like we don't care

I know it can sound sad but I think that most people do what they want to do, so if your MiL is more focused on looking after her dog than her GD, then that is what she wants to do.

Believe me, this makes me sad to accept because I have a similar situation with my own mother, but I think it's true. e.g I always make dinner, have clean sheets, call my best friend, meet deadlines etc because I want to, whereas I don't call my brother because he's an arsehole I don't want to. SO I could say 'oh, we should speak more often', but I don't mean it, because I don't want to.

So you want her to go to you instead of her friends, just so she gets five minutes with your DD?

I am agonising about this myself at the moment.
My mil & fil only live a 20 minute drive away and yet we can go months and months without seeing them.
Unless DH takes DS there, they never bother at all with us ever.

It makes me sad to see lots of gps at the school gates collecting gc, and at swimming, gps sitting on the sides having brought the gc for a lesson.
School holidays you see loads of gp taking gc out for the day, zoos and parks etc.

I dont want to put pressure on them, but was trying to think of a way of maybe suggest to them that if they wanted to they could do some thing with ds (their only gc) on a regular basis, maybe have him for a couple of hours every other Saturday.
But then i dont want to embarass them if they want to say no.

They do love him and are pleased to see him when dh takes ds to their house, but just wonder if they are too shy to ask OR if they genuinely dont want anything to do with him.

Its very difficult isnt it.

Feel just the same here too - my in-laws are separated but neither party wants to visit us and their grandson. At first I thought it was that they were being polite, but last August we took ds to visit them (2 and a half hours away) and the FIL and his wife totally ignored our wonderful boy. It was heartbreaking, in that every time my dh tried to talk about him and what he'd done recently, they changed the subject to something mundane such as what their local butcher has been stocking recently . I left feeling awful, and vowed never to offer up my family in this way to be rejected again. Can't understand why they behave like this, but tellingly, the SIL said "What on earth did you expect - we've been telling you this for years!".

Sorry that this doesn't solve your problem either, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to offload . They never (ie once a year tops) phone us either, so I have made dh promise not to call them to tell them that I'm pregnant, and I just wonder if, when, God-willing, a baby arrives and they hear about it, it will get a message through. Sounds mean, but I've been driven to it by their behaviour.

OP, sounds similar to my MIL. "Doesn't want to impose" + has a cat. Getting her to come visit for longer than an afternoon (she lives 2.5 hour drive away) is like pulling teeth. I went through a phase of being offended on dd's behalf, but now I genuinely believe she just doesn't want to be a burden. Having to beg for visits and reiterate countless times that we want to see her, she's not imposing, of course we'd love it if she stayed overnight etc. still annoys me, but looking at the big picture, it is probably better than having one of those MIL's who pops in uninvited all the time

'in that every time my dh tried to talk about him and what he'd done recently'

C'mon it is boring though, once you've seen one kid you've seen them all.

Yes but he hadn't seen or heard about him since he was 4 months old. I find it a bit odd anyway. He wasn't talking about anything too mundane, just a snippet about him walking and going on holiday. Didn't get the chance to get boring as he was cut off mid sentence when he tried. And could they say that talk of butchers and which birds they've spotted in the garden is really more valid and interesting??

They also totally ignored him when he tried to talk to them, just turning away and talking about something else. I think that's weird.

Maybe he's just more bothered/interested in what the butcher is selling that what his GS is up to...I'm not saying it's nice, but it's true

So many threads could be summed up with 'other people just aren't as bothered about your kids as you are'....it's v sad, especially as I know that when I have a child my mum won't be that bothered because she says she's 'done all that', but we just have to accept it. I wish there was some sort of grandparent agency where people could be matched up though.

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. Before we had children, DH and I were invited over to her home, not exactly regularly, but 3 or 4 times a year. As soon as we announced that I was pregnant, we stopped being invited. She comes over to see us once, perhaps twice a year, but even that takes a lot of organising.

I've made lots of excuses for her over the years - she works full time(but now she's retired); her house isn't child friendly (but my DC aren't tots anymore), she doesn't like the idea of being a grandparent (but now DSIL has a child, who she see all the time) ....

but what can I do, if she doesn't want to be a part DC life, I can't make her. She's the one that is missing out.

OP - I don't think YABU about wanting her in your DC life, but you can't force it. And you'll probably send yourself mad if you think about it too much (I know I have!). Also, it must be difficult to be a MIL and get the balance right between being interfering and being 'distant'.

Yes you're absolutely right googie. It's upsetting to find out, but now that I have I'm happy not to persevere. I suppose at least they don't suggest seeing us and then behave that way, so I'll just forget they exist. The only sadness is that my ds will only have one set of grandparents, and it'll be hard to explain to him why the others don't see him, but maybe that's just my adult perspective and that he won't see it like that 'cos he won't have known differently. At least his other grandparents love him doubley much

thanks everybody good to know i am not the only one! really sympathise with oosta and Lost who seem to have ILs who don't seem to care at all... thankfully not an issue with mine, they def love DD a lot, v proud of her. maybe as has been said, it's just not as much of a deal for her to be a hands-on granny- she doesn't want to be called grandmother/nanny/granny at all for example! and has a very rich and busy life with her friends. or perhaps she'll be more into it when DD is walking/talking. we'll have to see, horses for courses eh?

spiced - of course i don't want her to put herself out just have 5 mins with her GD! the issue is how to arrange more quality time not just to get her here by hook or by crook.

altho spiced, having said that - my parents are elderly and regularly take a 3-hour bus ride here and back in one day just to have a few hours with their granddaughter! i prob have a very skewed image of what 'appropriate' grandparenting is like from them, which isn't helping matters...

I know it's not a very helpful thing ooosabeauta because it doesn't change anything, but I do think that accepting things aren't likely to change is a huge part of dealing with it.

My mum isn't interested because she spent many years nursing the elderly members of my family so now they have all died, she's ready for a bit of time for herself. I totally understand that but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad and admittedly a bit hard done by that all her 'caring' quotient has been used up and my children (when I have them, hopefully not too long away) will not have an afternoon being looked after by granny. Although I have been v lucky with my Mil and I'm sure she'll be great.

"9 times out of 10 people can always manage to do what they really want to do. Everything else is just smoke and mirrors."

So right LeQueen

Sorry I didn't mean to imply that yours don't care in the way that my in-laws don't, omaoma. At least you know that they do. I suppose I forget that all families are different in the same way that all individuals are.

You're right that it's easier once you've accepted it. I understand that other people don't feel the way that parents do about children, but in my Mediterranean-style family all extended family does feel the same, and I hadn't experienced the apathy in my husband's very non-Med. family before. All of my extended family finds it alien. Even my aunts who live further away than dh's family regularly travel to us to go beserk over the youngest boy in our family. (This is not a racist/continentist slur - I also know plenty of very Brit. families who go crackers over all of their extended family's babies)

It's nice to hear of a MIL who will be supportive and that you've been lucky with her.

i think you've hit the nail on the head oosa - about family traditions and expectations. my mum literally goes crazy with withdrawal if she goes 2 weeks without seeing DD and she's got 3 kids and 5 GDs. DH is an only child and we pretty much think DD will be the same... but ILs don't feel they are missing out on anything. but with the kind of family feeling i grew up with, i can't but worry about any other way of doing it, even tho it's prob completely natural to them and doesn't cause them any worry at all..

That's funny omaoma, your mum sounds exactly the same as mine and what you've just said sums up my feelings on our situation precisely. When you have a family who's priority is family, it's hard to understand how people live life not caring or wondering about theirs. Just a totally different mindset! I think I'd always hope to find (anyone's) babies more interesting than home improvements/ garden additions/ butcher's stock, but that's just me

Apologies, oops, 'who's' should have read 'whose'.

could you ask her to bring the dog with her?