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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to just want a boyfriend

14 replies

wantaman · 02/03/2010 08:38

in fear of sounding like a teenager, i just want a boyfriend.

there - i have admitted it.

Probably in 2010 i should not admitt to that, but there it is.

Im divorced, but my life is back on track now. ive good friends, and good (ish) social life.
Nice job, fab DS
but no boyfriend.
People tell me im attractive, i dont think i look that bad, ive got a good personality.
maybe a little bit on the curvey side at a size 14, but not huge.

i dont get it.

I just want a nice boyfriend. someone to be nice to me. for a cuddle and a bit of attention. someone who gives a shit that isnt my family.
someone to talk too

OP posts:

MiffyWhinge · 02/03/2010 08:46

maybe you are thinking more in terms of what you could gain from a relationship than all the things you have to offer?

Kathyjelly · 02/03/2010 08:47

I think all you can do is be happy in yourself and put yourself in places where you are likely to meet a good mix of new people.

Unless you're brave enough for internet dating which I've never been.

I used to take my ds to watch the guys playing football in the park. He loved it and it worked. And Gingerbread is always worth a try

thesecondcoming · 02/03/2010 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chulita · 02/03/2010 08:59

One of my aunts gave me some good advice when I was about 15 - 'Men love a woman who doesn't give a damn'. Like tsc said, men can spot someone who's looking.
I rekindled an old acquaintance while I was working in Mexico and he was in Iraq - a year later we were married but I certainly wasn't looking at all! (In fact it completely scuppered my plans )
yanbu to want one, you probably already know him!

SJaneS · 02/03/2010 09:32

having just read your post there is a lot I can identify with and you've been given some good advice. Of course you can admit you want a boyfriend - you are only human!

What I would add though is don't expect to find the 'one' immediately. I had my daughter in my early twenties and was on my own for ten years. Being a single parent means you have to date in a different way without the spontaneity of a childless person. I dated a number of eliglble single men and its great to be taken out to dinner etc and feel like a desirable woman again. From experience though, single childless men who might fancy the pants off you, don't necessarily want to have any involvement in your real actual life that involves your child. What you end up with is part time relationships that can make you feel even more despondent.

After the last of these relationships pettered out I decided that this was it and I wasn't going to bother anymore. And like the others have said, you often find that you meet the one when quite frankly you don't really give a monkeys! I met my husband at a friends party a couple of weeks later (he'd been right under my nose for years) and I don't think that I would have been in the right place to recognise what he was until I'd gone through a long process of dating disasters!

He was a divorced father of one and being with someone who understood the world that I lived in and that things would need to go slowly made immeasurable difference. Someone above has suggested Gingerbread which might not be a bad option or the internet. Go to the parties that really you are feeling a bit too knackered to go to! You will meeet someone - you just might need to kiss a few frogs first of all.x

Longtalljosie · 02/03/2010 09:40

Oh, poor you. I was single for years on end before I married and I know just how you feel.

Making friends aware you're looking is good advice. As is shaking things up a bit. When did you last meet new people - or is your circle of friends a bit static? If so, consider anything which will get you into a new circle... new job or just changing department for a while (going on secondment did it for me - I didn't meet my husband there but I did meet an old friend of his who thought we'd like each other) - taking up a new interest? I know you don't necessarily want to but it's a means to an end...

damnedchilblains · 02/03/2010 10:09

yanbu to want the connection and affection a partner can give you, just concentrate on yourself and one will come along sooner or later

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2010 10:23

YANBU to want a partner, and your best option is probably dating websites etc. BUT be careful. If you are desperate, or come across as desperate, nice men will back off and predators (whether that's cocklodgers or abusers) will pile right in. Make sure your life is busy and happy, don't neglect friends and interests in your manhunt - a person with nothing on his/her mind but Finding The One is tedious company and off-putting to those who might otherwise be interested.

Lucyellensmumma · 02/03/2010 11:07

what is a cock lodger??

MangoMama · 02/03/2010 13:15

Hey, I could lend you DP as long as you return him in good condition within the next couple of hours ;-)

Aussieng · 02/03/2010 13:31

A persons whose cock is lodging with you for a bit (ie lodging rather than staying permanently).

OP I had a very positive experience with dating websites but I think you need to be in a non-needy place before trying those. Put some time into your existing social life, plan a holiday, take up a new activity and then perhaps try a dating site in a few months time but with a "meet some new people to spend time with and get to know over the summer months attitude" not a finding a boyfriend attitude.

But of course yanbu to think about having a partner. Having a really good partner who you can share life with and who you are in tune with is the best - why would you not want that? OTOH being with someone who is not right for you is the worst situation to be in - so put yourself if a good position first so that when a guy comes along you are with him because he is right for you and not just because you "need" to be with someone.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/03/2010 13:39

A cocklodger is a bloke who targets desperate single women because he wants to move in, be fed regularly and get his washing done in return for the occasional bout of indifferent sex - or, in some cases, he wants sex on tap in return for vague promises of doing 'manly' stuff round the house which he never gets round to.
Basically a parasitic man who thinks that he can convince a lonely woman that any man (ie a lazy, selfish, not even very attractive one like him) is better than being single.

aSilverLining · 02/03/2010 13:45

YANBU, I feel the same now and again, but the advice here is spot on and is what I am trying to aim for myself. Building up more interests, pushing social circle outwards, etc.

Other days I think I am actually quite happy being single and could just enjoy a man and then kick him out of bed afterwards.

Lucyellensmumma · 02/03/2010 14:11

Sorry OP, i meant to say that i totally sympathise and i think having a "boyfriend" is so important, not sure why you would be embarrased about it.

Its all about approach though, i met my DP on a night when i said to my friends - right, thats it, no more men, i aint interested - if i get laid, bonus.......18 years later and he is finally getting round to those DIY jobs he promised to do - seriously, as we type!

Don't give up, theres someone out there for you - "you just haven't met him yet"

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