for being so damn annoyed at my husband?

[theressomethingaboutmarie]

So my DH was made redundant a year ago and got a very nice pay off. I work full-time and have done so since going back to work after having DD who is now 2.5. DH ran a small and unprofitable business from home for the past year. He's run it badly, being late with important paperwork, keeping cash around the house rather than in the bank and then getting whacked for refused payments for bills etc. Moreover, DD has remained with the childminder full-time so I'm pay for her full-time care and all of the bills bar a portion of our mortgage.

Ever since DH got made redundant, he's bitched about being 'on the welfare' and 'poor' which has grated me enormously. First of all, he got a great pay off which he's dipped into significantly due to his busines making barely any money. Secondly, I work damned hard, leave the house at 6am to get to work, get home at 5pm all to keep things running and keep a roof over our heads - we are NOT 'on the welfare'.

Every month since he had to make a contribution to the mortgage (when our fixed deal ended), he's gone on about barely being able to make this months payment when in fact, he's paid it easily (he just doesn't WANT to pay it). He has three white elephants that he can't sell (has £10K tied up in them) due to work needing to be done on them.

Ever since he's been out of work, I've bought all clothes, CD's, DVD's etc, I've been generous. This weekend, I buy myself a dress and a few bits and bobs. On the day that our mortgage went out of our account, he told me that he was not going to be able to contribute to the mortgage therefore leaving me very close to having NO money whatsoever until pay day (31st March!). I know that he's not even touched his overdraft (seems happy for me to use mine though!) and stupidly bought me a ridiculously expensive present for my recent birthday. He then blames me for not recognising his financial situation and for not supporting him and his business. He said that I should not have bought my treadmill (I have 30 minutes each day in which to exercise, if it's pouring down or dark, I can't go out for my run).

I'm furious, in fact, I'm beyond furious as I've worked damned hard this past year. I work like a dog, I've been recovering from a debilitating bout of depression, I've taken on all financial burdens and until recently, despite him working at home, had to do most of the work around the house!

Evidently, I don't think I'm being unreasonable for being beyond fury. Should I have recognised his financial situation despite having all of my other burdens? Should I continue to be a fecking doormat

sorry for the rant and congratulations to anyone who gets through my version of War and Peace.

YANBU.

But you need to sit down with him pretty sharpish and sort out finances. He is running through his redundancy which is damn stupid. He is not running his business properly which is equally damn stupid. He needs to have direct debits in place for necessary bills like mortgage etc. He needs to actually run his business or go find a job. He basically needs to grow up.

First off take your child out of the childminders and leave her with daddy, as he is not working he can run the home and child care.

Second tell him where the job center is as he clearly can not run his own business tosave his life.

Next time he kicks off on one point out just how much you have to do and how useless he is.

Stop buying anything for him outside of the basics like food

you need to talk to him about what money he does have and what he is doing with it. i really dont understand when couples, especially when you have children still have seperate financial lives.

Dear marie, sounds really difficult situation I think you should both have full and frank discussion about whose got what and where the bill are going to come from. Giving him huge benefit of the doubt maybeje honestly doesn't realise situation financially. He might just see you buying a few things and think you have more money than him!!

If he won't sit down well only you can decide where to go after that!!

Good luck xx

Personally I don't underdstand the 'my money, your money' thing. Especially when you have a family and money is tight. Surely you should both be pulling together?

That aside (as I understand every family works differently ) I think you're a saint to have put up with it as much as you have!

Sit down and have a serious talk with him. Sorry to say, he is taking the piss.

thank you for the advice. We run a joint account that, until his redundancy, we both put money into for all of our bills. We have both kept personal accounts too so that we have our own spending money. I certainly do have more money than him MrsNetz but he's quite aware that I pay all of the bills which decimates my funds.

I think what bothered me the most was that he wasn't explicit. Had he said say, a week ago, look, I'm not going to be able to pay this month's mortgage, I wouldn't have bought my dress for example and would have changed my budgeting for the month. I'm also damn angry that he spent so much of my gift and, get this, said that he was "surprised that I allowed him to"!! AGGHHHHHH

that should read, "so much on my birthday gift"

Question Marie... you mentioned your own bout of depression. Is there any chance he's depressed? Redundancy, failed business, white elephants, feeling inadequate? He must be feeling pretty crap on some level (nice of him to turn it into an attack though I must say). Even if he is it in no way challenges your right to be mad as all hell; if I were you I'd riding my broomstick up and down the street.

Brunhilde - yes, I suppose that he could well be. The issue that I have is that my rage has blinded me to his own plight. I feel that I've been so downtrodden and disrespected that I am finding it hard to dig deep and be supportive given the total lack of support I've had. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not so petty as to try to play tit-for-tat with my DH but I'm angry.

It may sound hard but I only really help people (DD excepted as she 2.5) who help themselves. I can't be dealing with the 'poor me' types who just want to be looked after and do fuck all of themselves. That probably makes me sound horrid but I have so little time to give.

Marie you are not blind to his plight.

There is no plight.

He has a nice house, paid for by someone else, all houswork done for him, childcare outsourced and paid for, large redundancy payoff. And he can sit at home doing his "business" with no repsponsibilities that I can see while you slog your guts out to keep everyone afloat.

If he is worried about money, and his business is not succeeding (not for lack of support, but because he obviously isn't disciplined enough to do it properly), then he needs to try and get a job. Simple as that really.

i don't understand the separate money either...

and putting a child in full time daycare when one parent isn't working is insane.

he sounds more suited to being an employee than a business owner.

I'd kick him out and see how he likes being without your money and everything you do for him. Its not like he contributes anything to your life from the sounds of it.