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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate "ahh your mother is watching over you"

21 replies

fernie3 · 01/03/2010 09:49

Every time something goes well for me or I have luck (sadly rare at the moment!) certain members of my family take the opportunity to say "ahh yes you mother is watching over you!". I really hate it not only does it imply that nothing that goes right is ever down to me but I also think of all the times that things have gone horribly wrong , if she was supposedly watching over me then where was she all the hundreds of other times I could have done with a hand!.

This weekend my daughter has been sick most of it with some sort of stomach bug, my husband has been useless and I was up most of last night being sick and having panic attacks. Oh and since I have been so out of it lately the house is practically rotting away underneath me because no one is actually willing to help. I put the washing machine on with my daughters school jumpers in overnight, got up this morning to find the kitchen flooded and had to send my daughter in a non uniform jumper because her jumpers were soaking wet in a heap on the floor.
According to my gran my mother must have been watching oevr me this weekend because apparently I am lucky that I hadnt put ALL of her uniform in not just her jumpers.
I wish people would just stop using that phrase would I be unreasonable to reply in this way next time someone says it?

OP posts:
pranma · 01/03/2010 10:03

YANBU but I think it is a generation thing.Sorryabout all the problems you are having-I am quite sure that if your mum could influence your present life she would make a better job of it.

Disenchanted3 · 01/03/2010 10:06

Well you are NBU to persinally feel this way but lots of people, myself and my mother included do like t think that passed family memebrs are looking out for us and I would be extrememly upset if I said so and someone shot me down for it.

So you can feel like that but please don't say anything to your Gran about it!

lolapoppins · 01/03/2010 10:10

My Mum died when I was a child, so I get this all the time, it's so infuriating.

I wish she'd bloody hurry up with the winning lottery numbers.

RoseWater · 01/03/2010 10:13

YANBU they are thoughtless and insensitive.

LadyBlaBlah · 01/03/2010 10:13

YANBU

It pisses me off to when people say it.

I know it is meant as some sort of comfort, but the reality is you miss them and want them back so it kind of makes it all worse and compounds the feelings of loss.

Original poster
fernie3 · 01/03/2010 10:14

lolapoppins, I know she has had 11 years now which is all of my adult life so far to do something even remotely helpful but nope nothing!

OP posts:
Hassled · 01/03/2010 10:19

Yes, it annoys me too. But Disenchanted is right - you can't say anything to your Gran about it, because the idea that somehow your Mum is up there watching out for you will be giving her a lot of comfort.

lolapoppins · 01/03/2010 10:20

Fernie, the crappiest time anyone said it to me was when I thought my washing machine was broken and it turned out to be a stuck 5p. If you had powers to help your dc from the afterlife, would you use them to make sure the waning machine was ok, or do something useful?! That hit a taw nerve with me actually as it was just after ds came home from SCBU - I'd much rather have thought if my mother was watching over me my baby wouldn't have been sick.

IckleJess · 01/03/2010 10:22

I totally agree - if my mum really is watching over me then I'm grateful for the things she may have prevented from going wrong, but then again why hasn't she stopped all of them

I could really do with my mum around at the moment, I'm pregnant with SPD and I just need my mum. DH is being useless and I'm hoping no-one tells me my mum is watching over me right now!

5DollarShake · 01/03/2010 10:24

"I know it is meant as some sort of comfort, but the reality is you miss them and want them back so it kind of makes it all worse and compounds the feelings of loss."

Exactly. You're having a sh!t time, and then you're reminded of your dead Mum - great, now I feel so much better...

Agree - prob best not to say anything to your Gran, at least not in the heat of the moment. If you think she might be receptive to the idea of you dissuading her from saying it, then maybe say something over coffee or some such.

zipzap · 01/03/2010 15:17

Next time something goes wrong and you know your gran is about to come out with the phrase, could you pre-empt it by saying that this time you think your mum had obviously popped over to 'look over' your gran because xyz had gone so horribly wrong and that she would never have let it happen if she had been there?

Also gives you an opportunity to show that you would actually like some real life love, help and support. I think that phrases like that serve to help your gran in dealing with her own grief and to think that she is helping you but actually not doing anything to help you IYSWIM.

I think you do have to say something about it at some time though - OK so it is giving her some comfort but at the same time it is giving you grief which I am sure is not her intention. If it was just an occasional think it would be one thing to ignore it but if it has become such a regular thing then she does need to understand that she is making you feel worse and that's not good because it will spill over into other areas of your life and relationship with her.

hope the washing machine has been simply sorted and that things get better sooner rather than later...

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2010 15:24

I do sympathise. it's the kind of thing that drives me batshit, too as it is (like all superstition) patently fucking ludicrous and not at all helpful to rational people especailly when it's specific (ie claiming that a specific person who's loss you feel deeply is 'watching over you' rather than generic woo-bollocks about guardian angels).
But I also appreciate that you don't want to row with your gran about it, and I think zipzap's advice is pretty good.

cyteen · 01/03/2010 15:31

YANBU. My mum could be doing a much better job of looking after me if she hadn't killed herself in the first place.

cyteen · 01/03/2010 15:32

Should say 'watching over', not 'looking after', although it's true either way.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 01/03/2010 15:45

It sounds like an attempt by your gran to make your mum a part of every day life. YANBU being annoyed by it though.

Do you ever talk about your mum to your Gran? If it's not too painful do you think doing that would help? She might not feel the need to say such daft things if her need to talk about her daughter was already filled.

I know when my Grandad first died my gran would find any excuse to bring him into the conversation because she couldn't stand that he wasn't a part of everything anymore.

If that's not it at all then zipzap's response is best.

sweetkitty · 01/03/2010 15:55

I have been getting a lot of this since MIL died last July.

Apparently she has "sent" DP a boy to try and even things up in our house (3DDs)

SpicedGerkin · 01/03/2010 15:57

What cyteen said!

cyteen · 01/03/2010 16:09

Yikes sweetkitty, better gird yourself for two more then!

sweetkitty · 01/03/2010 16:14

cyteen - utterly no chance of that!

Sunshinemummy · 01/03/2010 16:44

Oh this drives me insane too. My mum died when I was 18 and I met my DH 2 years later. My MIL feels the need, despite ever having met my mum, to tell me constantly that she's watching over me, that she'd have been really proud of my etc. etc. How on earth would she know?

I know she's trying to be nice but it just feels like a false platitude.

Sorry, rant over, as you were

chegirlshadabloodynuff · 01/03/2010 18:59

I get it a lot too. About my DD.

I know people are trying to be nice and sometimes it is a comfort (sorry SGB ).

But she was my DD and I looked after her not the other way round. I particularly hate it when people who dont know me or ever met her say it. How the bloody hell do they know!

I, however, can say it as much and whenever I want and everyone has to smile indulgently

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