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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to reveal my CS date to family?

27 replies

MarineIguana · 01/03/2010 09:34

I have an ELCS planned in a few weeks and my mum is clamouring to know the date asap. I know it already, but if I tell her she will tell everyone else in the family including extended family, they will all be on my back, and she will pester us for the entire day by phone and text (I know we don't have to answer but then she will get hysterical thinking there's been a disaster and we'll never hear the end of it). She doesn't live near me and knows I don't want visitors for a few weeks around the birth, but she (and other family members) are not happy about it and basically want a ringside seat (which they are not going to get).

Last time DP let her know I was in labour and when I had an epidural and subsequent EMCS and kept her informed, we had her making shitey comments like how I hadn't learned to deal with the pain properly. (that is her idea of sympathy btw)

There's a chance the ELCS won't happen on the day as you can get bumped back by emergency ones - so it's not lying to say I don't know the date for sure.

Would I be evil to keep her in the dark and only announce the birth after? If you would do this, what would you say to her to keep it vague and not let her know without saying outright "I'm not telling you".

OP posts:
oranges · 01/03/2010 09:36

why don't you give a date a week or so later? After you have the section, you can call and say it was brought forward.

ReneRusso · 01/03/2010 09:39

Tell her a date, and then just say it got brought forward because you went into labour early.

Original poster
MarineIguana · 01/03/2010 09:40

Yes I could! I just didn't want to because .... it's blatant lying and if I lie I always tie myself in knots and make a mess of it, and I'll let slip or she'll probably find out somehow - but you're right, that would be simplest.

OP posts:
Prinpo · 01/03/2010 09:42

Sounds like there's a lot more going on that just not wanting to tell her the date. If you don't want to tell then don't tell, but tell her why not and with a degree of honesty.

tobago04 · 01/03/2010 09:43

Agree with oranges and renerusso
why do people think births are public property? My SIL wanted to be at the birth of my dd,WTF! I can't stand the woman either so i just didn't tell her til after i'd had her
Good luck

mampam · 01/03/2010 09:43

I'm not telling my mother until at least a week before my CS is due.

I haven't even told her I'm definitely having a CS because after I'd seen the consultant and he had suggested this is the best option for me as I tend to have big babies and with DS I had a 3rd degree tear and consultant has said if I tear again I'll be left incontinent from the back end, my mother started into a rant about how all consultants steer women into 'un-nessecary' CS's because it's easier for them and just what they do 'these days'.

I decided at that precise moment that I wasn't going to mention it again until the last minute.

I think you're well within your rights to not tell your mum, especially if it's going to stress you out.

You could always say that everything happened so quickly that you didn't have time to contact her.

mummygirl · 01/03/2010 09:45

I lied for very similar reasons. "went into labour earlier than expected".

I hate lying and liars, but sometimes, whe your lie isn't going to hurt anyone but will protect your sanity, I'm all for it. You don't need this kind of stress right now, so get rid of the problem

Ivykaty44 · 01/03/2010 09:45

Just tell your mum that as with other births people do not know the date - and just because you can't have a natural birth doesn't mane you don't want to have the surprise elemant of giving birth so you are not going to tell anyone when the birthday is gona be - just like a natural birth no one knows till the last day!

So there mom you just like a normal gran aint gona know till the day...

And just tell her dont spoil it for me its bad enough having a section with out you spoiling the suprise

tis all twadle but it may work

yellowcircle · 01/03/2010 09:46

Tell her a date that is a week after your actual CS date. That way, if you refer to it as a "Tueday" or whatever, then you won't slip up.

When you tell her the date, say that it is provisional or something like that and you will continue to be monitored.

yellowcircle · 01/03/2010 09:48

A friend of mine has a due date in April, but I am the only person that knows (because she knows I am not going to pester her demanding to know what is going on). Her entire family (and her husband's family) have been told that the baby is due in May. It's their 2nd she went overdue with the first and found the constant pestering difficult. So this time, she's cut it out!

Original poster
MarineIguana · 01/03/2010 09:49

Thanks everyone. Prinpo you're absolutely right, this is a difficult relationship in which my mum thinks she's close to me but I find her almost unbearable, and particularly when I'm pregnant as I get more emotional which makes it even harder to deal with her. DP also really gets wound up by her and he is the one who'd be mostly dealing with her crap. (It all goes back a long way, very long story).

I could just be honest, but the hysteria and row that would unleash are something I can't face now (and maybe never). She's not the kind of person who would take that kind of home truth on board.

OP posts:
Original poster
MarineIguana · 01/03/2010 09:51

But on the plus side, you are making me feel much better about not telling her. I was expecting a lot more YABUs.

OP posts:
Starbear · 01/03/2010 09:56

You've got helicopter parent as a Mum. I suffered the same problem. I find kind, honesty even when it upset her the best policy. I couldn't stand the family around me when DS was born except my sister and sister-in-law who are very practical people. I did get Sis to speak to my on my behalf as well! My brother was a nightmare he thought it was time to party and got upset when I went upstairs to breastfeed!!!!!
Tell here that you would like some time on your own. Give what ever reason you want but don't say it twice, just change the subject. Say to her when you call, you'll need practical help and give her a list of things to do! That should shut her up. & the rest of the family too.
After 2 months I upset Mum so much (or she upset me) that my lovely brother in law paid for my Mum to go and see my other brother in Canada for Christmas. She didn't come back for 6 months!!!!!

lou031205 · 01/03/2010 10:02

No this isn't reasonable, IMO. She is your mother. She raised you and you are giving birth to her grandchild. People are so flipping selfish these days. Then, 2 or 3 years later "Am I being unreasonable to expect Mum to babysit?" or "AIBU to expect Mum to show an interest in her GC?" You can't pick and choose.

mo3g · 01/03/2010 10:08

I didnt tell everyone my induction date for 1st or c-section dates for 2 and 3 WHY should i when if i had a natural birth they wouldnt know till it was over and i wanted to phone everyone and tell them my news without them already knowing So i say you are NBU

Starbear · 01/03/2010 10:22

Oh! Lou but you could have an adult relationship with your parent. You don't have to be her baby forever. My Mum is very involved with my kid but she now has the freedom to say no when she wants to. She could never say no to my Gran, who said the very same as you 'I brought you into the world etc... emotional blackmail.

Original poster
MarineIguana · 01/03/2010 11:06

Lou, I can certainly see that argument if I was then going to be demanding about her babysitting and whatnot - but the fact is I never want her to babysit and I'm quite happy that we don't see her very often - even what we do is too much.

"She raised you" - hmm well yes and no, she stood by while we suffered at the hands of an abusive dad, she buggered off and had affairs, she wanted to be looked after more than she ever looked after me, and I will never trust her with my DC. Yes she wants a role in my family now right enough, but it's about her needs not mine.

I didn't necessarily mean to bring all this up - like I said, long story - but maybe that "but she's your MUM!" line only makes sense with someone who is a proper mum. Not all are.

OP posts:
4kidsandlovingit · 01/03/2010 11:14

NO dont tell her

YANBU, its your baby, your birth and your decision. She will be contacted when your DC has been born and not before.

I had 3 CS, 1st emer so no one knew it was going to happen, 2nd was at 41wks and decided that day and 3rdwe knew weeks in advance but still only told minimum people.

I got all the crap about when I would be BF from my inlaws cos MIL BF all 6 of her kids. Well I`ve FF all 4 of mine and none of them are worse off for it.

Have a wonderful CS and and tell your "mum" to wait and see like everyone else is.

interestinglino · 01/03/2010 11:24

You don't have to tell her. Even if you had a very close relationship, you still wouldn't have to. If you were waiting to go into labour, no-one would know the date.

My Mother knew the date I was to have a CS.
The day we went in, she assumed that by 10am, I would be tucked up in bed with a little baby, so from that time onwards rang the maternity ward every half an hour to find out why I hadn't rung her! After a couple of hours, the midwife got really cross with her for ringing so often.
If/when I have another, I won't be telling her!

Morloth · 01/03/2010 11:40

Give her a later date, then when it is all over, let her know and just say they changed the date.

lou031205 · 01/03/2010 11:49

MarineIguana, that certainly puts a different light on it

In general though, I just don't see why people can't say "Look, I'm going in, but they aren't sure when things will kick off. I'll phone you as soon as I know."

I did. I phoned my Mum&Dad, said "there's a delay, emergencies." Then phoned to say - "Right, going to have waters broken, won't phone again for some hours, will let you know."

Original poster
MarineIguana · 01/03/2010 12:01

In that circumstance Lou, she would just be badgering us (and possibly also the hospital) by phone, so it's better she doesn't have the day right at all.

I think I can live with telling her a later date but also stressing that there are no certainties. Really grateful for all the replies.

OP posts:
Prinpo · 01/03/2010 12:01

OP, I really feel for you. This sort of worry is the last thing you need when you're expecting a baby.

I think you can only do what it's in your power to do. You clearly don't want to tell her when you're having your baby so don't. Whatever you tell her, I agree with Starbear, in that you should give your reason and say it once only. She'll doubtless create merry hell for a while but stand your ground, don't doubt your judgement and don't rush to appease her. She'll hopefully be like a fire starved of oxygen and just die out after a while (not literally!).

If she's a mememe kind of person then, at a time when you need looking after, perhaps her shortcomings as a mother are all the more apparent to you. I hope that you and DP get the peace and quiet that you want following the birth of your baby.

LisaD1 · 01/03/2010 12:08

YANBU, Don't tell them!

I had a similar issue with my DD2 and stupidly told my mother who spent the entire day phoning for updates and leaving umpteen messages. She then, on the day we came home, let herself, my dad, my brother and his partner into my house (it's quite small)as she had a key for "emergencies" and there they stayed all day and all evening until I flipped and almost chucked them out!

She no longer has a key to my house!

diddl · 01/03/2010 12:12

OP, imo, YANBU.

Just because you know the date doesn´t mean you have to tell anyone/everyone.

I considered my Mum& I close, but both times didn´t tell her until the babies were born & I felt up to visits.